Trying to make it to the bye week

[MadeToSucceed]

A very good man asked me recently how he could pray for me. I didn't have a response because I think I'm finally allowing myself to feel the anger and right now, I don't know what it is I want so I didn't know how to respond. I'd hope that I'm able to deal with my feelings of anger and deal with my feeling of betrayal so that I can forgive my W, even though she is still "hurting me" with her actions. I know I can't look at twitter or Facebook or anything that relates to her anymore so I'm not going to torture myself that way.

25 warned me that it would take time for me to "be ok" and that I'm not there yet and she was right. I don't know what it will take but I'm determined to not let this break me. Inside, I still love my W and I would like to say I still want to be with her but right now I just don't know. I'm in pain and still have to deal with it properly. The woman who knows OM very well flat out told me yesterday that she thinks my W is stupid because of all the dirt she knows OM is currently doing and that she believes eventually my W will break down and try to come back when it's all revealed to her but I just don't see it and right now, I don't know if that's even something I want.

I've decided the best thing I can do is look out for me. I'm going to text my W back and let her know I'll honor her request and communicate how to go about exchanging the final things with her assistant. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of being in this funk. A new and renewed MTS has to be born and if that means she can't be in my life in anyway right now, then so be it. I'd like to leave that line of possibility open for reconciliation but I feel like she'll use her pride and new found resentment towards me about the financial end of things to prevent her from doing just that.

But I'm still committed to being a better MTS. Right now I need to focus on getting on track in school. I need to finish out these last two months of this semester strong. I'm also going to get back into looking at some routine GAL'ing. I've gotten away from workouts these past 2 weeks and haven't been getting enough sleep so I'm going to start there. I'd like to still come here for support, help and advice because I don't know where this thing will lead me.

Thank you all. 25 are you out there? jb? west? sandi? telemark? CS? Starsky? I need you folks right now. I have to right the MTS ship. Tired of taking on water.