Trying to make it to the bye week

[MadeToSucceed]

Early Thursday morning my parents went back home. I went to work in a bit of a daze and ended up having to take a quiz Thursday night that I'm sure I bombed. I was just in a funk of sorts.

Friday came quicker than I expected and luckily for me, I was getting to do some serious GAL. It just so happened that the bachelor party of the wedding I am in next weekend was upon us. So on Friday I headed to Vegas with the groom to be and 4 of the other guys in the wedding party. We had a good time and I was able to escape all of this for a period of time. At one point, though, while we were out on Saturday night I looked at a friend of mine who had also been through a divorce and we both kind of just knew what the other was thinking. We kind of just started talking and asked the rhetorical question of "how did we get here?" but ultimately we each realized we would be ok in the long run.

Sunday morning we headed home and when I got back my brother and his girlfriend had actually come up for the weekend to visit an automotive school he wants to attend so they were at my apartment. We went to eat and then they helped me wash some clothes before getting on the road. I went to pick up my Little and I took him to see Courageous with me. I choked back tears the entire time. I got a lot from it but with it being so much about what it means to be a man and father I couldn't help but think about how bad I wanted my W to be the mother of my children and how we had a life planned out for us and all that. But that is gone now and I'm having to deal with that.

After I dropped my Little back off at home, I flipped on the radio and hear that OM #1 was injured in his game. Minutes later I hear OM #2 was also injured in his game on the same day. I can't lie. In the moment I smiled. I was momentarily happy. Then I quickly realized those weren't Godly thoughts nor were they "me." And then it finally dawned on me. I was "happy" because in actuality, I'm mad! I'm flat out angry! I suppressed it for SOOOOOOO long because I felt like it was my only shot at saving my M. Now that I can't save my current M I can finally feel. I'm flat out pissed. My W turned my life upside down. Not to mention minutes after this her assistant texted me asking for an address that my things can be delivered. It's just NOT FAIR. And I know life isn't fair and others have it worse and I'm blessed to even be here and alive but still....I'M MAD!

I was glad I was able to recognize that because I've been dealing with these underlying feelings the past 10 days or so and couldn't place my finger on it. Having identified it properly, I think I can focus on feeling it and working through it. I feel betrayed. The person that "knows me" better than any other walked away. When I have a joy or a pain I want to share, I no longer have a person on the planet that understands the true source of that joy or pain. I'm "single" now. What does that even mean?

All of these things have stunted/slowed my growth in the past 10 days or so. I've struggled in my personal prayer life. I've had trouble praying for my W. I looked at her public twitter account and saw she was talking about all the fun she had at a party in OM's city and then I even saw where she'd taken a picture of OM getting a tattoo yesterday. I suppose after our mediation she flew out to see OM and now that we are D, everything is ok for her. It just all pisses me off! I'm mad as hell! But I also know that it's ok to be mad but that I just can't live in it.