Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Yesterday H called and came over after work to see the kids. We were both polite and nice. I read somewhere in these boards that it is a good sign when your spouse shows anger towards you because it means they still care. My H has absolutely no anger. He is pleasant and has told me he wants me to date, be happy and be friends.

I can tell that he doesn't miss me AT ALL. Plus anytime there is a mention or reference to OW, he expresses complete happiness.
I regret so much what I have done to him. I have lost him and realized too late how valuable he is. Now, another woman has his love.

I was perusing some books on amazon on emotional abuse. H says that our marriage was 13 years of emotional abuse. The way one book describes it is horrible. I had a lot of anger and according to the book, I am a horrible, horrible person. It says there is almost no hope of a verbally abusive woman to change and that relationships that suffer from verbal abuse just don't survive. The abused spouse ends up meeting someone that treats them right and never turns back.

As I read, I cannot believe I was that horrendous person, but I was. I don't think that going dark on my spouse will work. He truly believes I was mean and he was afraid of my every reaction. I need to show him that I can have a R with him where there is no anger. Regardless of how I felt in our marriage or what part he had in it, I need to put all that aside and just become a completely new person.

And then, and only if his R with OW ever fails (it becomes stronger everyday), then maybe he can someday trust that I have changed. Right now, it is just unfathomable in his mind.

Forgiveness is really becoming harder than I thought. I still beat myself up for my mistakes. I need to work on that some more.

I guess I am really down today after reading that book...

I hope that if anyone is following my thread, they can offer some advice / support.
thanks!