GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AJM]

So much to say, so little space....

I have avoided the "meat market" bars, I guess for 2 reasons: I don't want to feel objectified by leering guys undressing me with their eyes, which is what everyone I know says will happen if I go to places like that, and also, I'm kind of afraid that if that does NOT happen, it will shoot my self-esteem WAY down. Isn't that crazy? I don't want to get hit on, but then if I don't it will validate my feelings of invisibility, ha ha.

What everyone you know says??? What about you? What do you say about it? Have you tried?
See, this is about you. Your journey. What you like, dislike, want or don't want. Not about others is it?

Like you, though, I can be a bit too direct - and too self-sufficient. I think a lot of men like a woman to be more vulnerable - I need to remind myself that it's ok to let a guy see I might need his help sometimes.

<sigh> It is ok to let a guy see you need help sometimes. They are NOT your enemy, silly. But they are different. They see things differently. Then again, do you want a guy that only sees what he wants to see??? More later in the post.

I was talking about this to Eric and he said maybe now I'm looking TOO eager. I can't win ;-)

How about looking like yourself and possibly interested and approachable?

I would literally hate myself if I were to revert to my old girly girl damsel in distress behavior...and I do think that around here, that's what men want.

Now I think you started down the right path figuring out what you wanted. Then you went and equated it to hunting men. Maybe it is what some of them want. Maybe not. But you really don't know do you? More later....

Anyway I feel like I'm going to have to start paying to get massages just to deal with this type of loss. How absurd is that? But I can't seem to find any literature out there about this particular post-divorce problem, and without a book to guide me I'm lost ;-)

What's wrong with that? I did the same thing. For the same reasons. Twice. Liked it, but don't always have the time.

And no, a wedding band doesn't necessarily put men off.

Women either...

I just feel like this is all so ridiculous, you know?

I think some of the thinking that is being done may be on the ridiculous side. I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I'll explain below...

Honestly, I feel like I'm dealing with a bunch of sappy dudes with this online dating venture. They give off such a needy vibe it's unbelievable.

. Huh. Just the men? Or is that just what you see because you are looking there? Just checking. What vibe do you give off do you think? Curious to know.

run the risk of getting built up and then there being no chemistry at all when you meet in person

Risk? Did I hear the term, "risk" thrown about?


Look. The thing is you need to be able to risk. Risk having your heart broken - again. But you need to explore. You said it yourselves - you only knew the one guy for so long and had been somewhat set in your ways that you really and honestly may not know what you like these days. It's not ridiculous. It's silly. It's fun. It's lighthearted. It's sometimes scary. It's sometimes more exhilirating than scary. Kind of like a ride at the amusement park.

Stop worrying about what men want. Start worrying about what you want. Because when you figure out what you want, you'll find yourself among your "peeps". You will be accepted. You will be among your friends. You will meet people with similar values, goals, dreams, experiences and you will find somebody who wants to be with you because of you. And you may find you want that too.

Be yourself. Be real.

I can tell you from my perspective, I am SICK AND TIRED of unreal people in my life. I've had it. I'll throw them all out before I'll accept being with somebody who is fake. I'm all about somebody who wants to work at things and is interested in things because of me. Don't get me wrong. But don't cross that line into being something you are not. I'll toss you right out of my life and you'll bounce as you pass the curb. I expect the women in my life to do the same to me if I were to be that way. I really and honestly do. My friends too.

Make it real or else forget about it. Don't even come close to lying. Don't assume you know what I want in a woman (that brings up a good joke...for another time though). I am a grown man. Ask me. Test me. See. That's what makes it interesting. Two people that are figuring each other out. Feeling things out and bumping along. Bruising. Healing. Working towards getting to know each other.

I will say that my first long term relationship after my ex was long distance. The biggest issue I had with it (besides my own head space) was that we always got along. It wasn't real. Every time we met things were great!! She's a great lady. Really. We met on avg about 2-3 a month. Worked well for a long time. But along the way I realized we never learned to fight. We never learned to have a progressive relationship. We connected on many levels but we (I) couldn't take it any further because of the distance. There may be a time when the distance is too much. I was willing to find out and I was willing to lose. I did both and I'm glad I know her. I'm sorry it didn't work out but I'm not sorry we don't see each other any longer.

Risk. If you cannot risk, you cannot receive.

Be you. Don't be somebody else. Don't live somebody else's life. Get out and explore. See what it is that you want. What you really want to get out of life and stop taking other people's opinions about it....

AJ