What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[workinghardguy]

So maybe I'm there... I think maybe I've finally gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. I mean I care... but I care about my W as a person and as the mother of my S. But if she splits, she splits. If we end up apart, c'est la vie.

This morning I had a message from a friend who found out what's going on. He was really sorry about it and all that. I read it. I read it again. I got sad. I cried... but only for about 30 seconds. Then I realized what the heck am I crying about?

What we have now I don't want. This isn't any fun or healthy. I'd rather have nothing and be by myself than this for the long, long term. If she doesn't want an R then she doesn't want an R. It doesn't say anything about me. I'm the one who is working to improve me. She's the one doing nothing but self-medicating and avoiding her problems.

Really, the only thing that gets me is my S. That's what makes my heart hurt still. If this was going to happen I wish it happened when he was 10 or 12 or 15, not 5 going on 6. But kids survive divorce all the time, and if I do this right, study hard, and make him the priority then this will still work. As far as my SS and SD... well, I will do what I can but I can't do all that much. I will have to settle for being more of a really nice uncle I guess.

So yeah... good luck dear, I hope you find what you're looking for. If that ends up being us, ok. If not, I'll be ok and I'm done letting you hurt me every single day. Done letting you tear my heart apart morning, noon, and night. Done wondering if that text message is from you. Done. I'm going to live as if I'm alone and if you want to rejoin this R then by all means walk back in. Otherwise... good luck and I love you, but that doesn't mean I have to let you do this to me anymore.