What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[workinghardguy]

Just a quote to start my day...

"It is human nature to hate the man whom you have hurt." - Tacitus

[sandi2]

W texted me during service about wanting to change plans so she could go Halloween shopping.

Being too available and predictable. Also, babysitting for her while she had the afternoon to "shop". Who goes to buy costumes without the kid?

And then she goes home and takes a nap. This would have been a good time to beat her to the punch (before she heads to take a nap) that you are leaving (alone) and don't know what time you'll be back.

Asked W what she wanted to do for supper

If you were not going to leave, why didn't you just cook whatever you and the kids wanted? Make it about them! Make it a fun event.

I grilled up supper and her and S watched a movie while eating supper.

I cleaned up supper

Chief cook and bottle washer? While they watch TV, you cook and clean up after everyone? Why not have the older kids involved with clean-up? That presents a bonding time with parent-kids. They might not like it at first, since they are used to being waited on, but eventually they would start talking about things going on with them.

Had a few interactions with W and she was ok with me, but just owly and grumpy overall. But not grumpy and owly with me... again, weird.

Does that mean you tried to start a few conversations with her?

At one point, when we were alone, I asked her if everything was ok.

She said she was fine. I told her she seemed upset

You were pressing! I know what you said about the C, but you were pushing her.

[workinghardguy]

Yes, I was too available. My first instinct was to say "too bad, deal with it" but I didn't listen for some reason. The shopping without kids is because of poor planning... last weekend before Halloween and the SS and SD are with their dad.

The rest of the items though are a bit contextual... my mom was over visiting when W got home and took nap. I didn't really want to get up and leave with my mom visiting.

As far as dinner... I actually did say that this was what I had picked up for dinner. If she wanted something else she could make it. S had already eaten.

This is the one issue I have with your replies Sandi... you make huge assumptions and then post semi-attacking replies in response. Of course the kids helped... we have a routine. SS loads the dishwasher, SD clears the heavy stuff, S clears the light stuff, W helps the S, and I do the hard pots/cooking items. They just paused the movie while we did that. I suppose I should've said "we cleaned up supper" but whatever.

As far as pressing... I just don't agree. The last time I saw her this sad and with these non-verbals was three weeks ago. I didn't ask her then what was wrong. A week later she tells me that on that night she was very, very depressed and had thoughts of self-harm. So, if it's pressing then it's pressing but it's a heck of a hand to be dealt. I'd rather press once in a great while and maybe intercede before something tragic. This is the first time I've asked her what was wrong in months. I certainly can't ever have a hope of recon or any type of R if she's dead.

[workinghardguy]

So maybe I'm there... I think maybe I've finally gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. I mean I care... but I care about my W as a person and as the mother of my S. But if she splits, she splits. If we end up apart, c'est la vie.

This morning I had a message from a friend who found out what's going on. He was really sorry about it and all that. I read it. I read it again. I got sad. I cried... but only for about 30 seconds. Then I realized what the heck am I crying about?

What we have now I don't want. This isn't any fun or healthy. I'd rather have nothing and be by myself than this for the long, long term. If she doesn't want an R then she doesn't want an R. It doesn't say anything about me. I'm the one who is working to improve me. She's the one doing nothing but self-medicating and avoiding her problems.

Really, the only thing that gets me is my S. That's what makes my heart hurt still. If this was going to happen I wish it happened when he was 10 or 12 or 15, not 5 going on 6. But kids survive divorce all the time, and if I do this right, study hard, and make him the priority then this will still work. As far as my SS and SD... well, I will do what I can but I can't do all that much. I will have to settle for being more of a really nice uncle I guess.

So yeah... good luck dear, I hope you find what you're looking for. If that ends up being us, ok. If not, I'll be ok and I'm done letting you hurt me every single day. Done letting you tear my heart apart morning, noon, and night. Done wondering if that text message is from you. Done. I'm going to live as if I'm alone and if you want to rejoin this R then by all means walk back in. Otherwise... good luck and I love you, but that doesn't mean I have to let you do this to me anymore.

[Grace_O]

A week later she tells me that on that night she was very, very depressed and had thoughts of self-harm.

Is she on AD's and seeing a C? Is she alone with the kids? That she has suicial ideations is a huge red flag. Is there a plan in place for when see feels this way? Sadly, this is a landscape I'm familiar with. She needs to get help. Now.

HUGS

[sandi2]

I was not "attacking" you. I was trying to point out where you were doing the things I had mentioned in my previous post. I was trying to give you examples of alternative actions you could have taken.

I was not assuming. I was going by the information you had posted about the day. If you said your mother was there visiting, or that the kids joined in to help with kitchen duty, I missed it.

If you get upset at my replies, I can bow out and leave it with you. I'm not trying to upset you any more than you already are. That's not the mission here.

[workinghardguy]

She's on wellbutrin but refuses to see a C. The only plan is that when she feels like this she can talk with me. She's rarely alone with the kids ( probably one of our issues). And yes I'm quite scared of what might happen after June if we split and she is alone with the kids half the time as life gets essay more stressful for her.

[workinghardguy]

Sorry Sandi... I do appreciate it even if I push back. Finall came to a real detachment point this morning and while freeing it really hurts too... Guess u got the first brunt of that

[Grace_O]

The plan I have in place is for a D, so it's different than with a parent. You may need to insist on a C. Would she be responsive to a convo regarding kid safety or do you think she would turn it into "you're trying to take the kids from me?".

[workinghardguy]

I have insisted on a C but it's gotten me nowhere. Come June, should we split, there will have to be more conversation, but I do think she'd see it as me trying to take the son we have together.

Assuming we split and things go as we've discussed I'd still be highly involved and interacting.