Sat morning d3 woke us up she dragged H out of bed to put her kiddy programmes on and told him she was hungry. He put tv on and came back to bed so i went to fix her breakfast.
After giving her breakfast i asked H nicely if he wanted anything, he asked me if i was making it which i thought was a silly question as i would hardly ask him if he wanted anything to then tell him to go make it himself (but i see now that this is something he would do) i told him i would make it thats why i'm asking if he wanted anything, he then replied that he wanted the works he wanted a full english breakfast and wanted everything, i'm not sure f he was trying to wind me up but i just said okay and went to make him 'the works'.
Moments later he shouted to me he wanted pancakes now i'm not cook and find making pancakes tricky i said back okay, he shouted back did i hear him, i said back yes u would like pancakes, all the while thinking and saying to myself, just keep the peace just keep the peace, i repeating it like a mantra. A few moments later he shouted don't bother doing the pancakes, i said back okay.
A few moments later H comes into the kitchen raging at me that if i didnt want to make the breakfast i didnt have to and that i must stop slamming the doors at this point i had a pot in my hand stirring the beans and was singing along to one of the programmes our d3 was watching, i looked at him in astonishment and shock he looked at me and went off back to the bedroom, i then found myself carefully opeing any doors and drwaers as to not antagonise him any further (but for the record i had not been slamming any doors in the first place i was happily singing along to the programmes).
I finished cooking his breakfast and brought it to him in bed he was all curled up in bed watching tv and told me to just put the food down, whcih i did and went ot get his drink and put that next to his food.
I then went to put the washing machine on, tidy the kitchen and get my own breakfast, i then thought to further keep the peace i will eat my breakfast in the bedroom with him and d3 joined us at this point H was eating his breakfast. Once i had finshed i took the plates asked him if he had finshed his drink and went to wash the dishes and do rest of houeswork.
I woke H up when it was tme for him to get ready to go to work, i was feeling tired now so went back to bed, H popped his head round the door and said see u later i said bye and d3 gave him cuddles.
5 min later H comes storming back in shouting at me that im lying on his phone why have i got his phone i feeling shocked and stunned yet again got up and looked and i wasnt lying on anything he then dragged the bed sheet off me to look for his phone, it turns out it was on his bedside table he told me to give it him which i did him of course snatching it out of my hand and throwing the bed sheets on the floor and left again.
I picked the sheets off the floor and went back to bed still repeating to myself keep the peace keep the peace. About 10 mins later i get a text message from my H saying 'don't bother coming down to his flat next week until i sort myself out' i was absolutely stunned by this and it instantly brought me to tears, it lit a fire in me and i got me and d3 dressed grabbed a few clothes and promptly left to return to the house in the other city.
I had to see this man for what he is which is a manipulative controlling narcisitic bully. The manuipulation part comes in as i had see one of his friends earlier in the week who told me that he had been ivited by my H to spend a few days with him at the flat the next week, so i knew that at some point my H was going to make some excuse as to why i should not come down the next week and there it unfolded he was spoiling for a fight so that he could ban me from coming down whilst he had guest in OUR flat, i cooked and cleaned, i paid the bills, sorted out whatever was needed to be done, i was the one who travelled endlessly for 3 days straight travelling back and forth between the citites to find the flat, i paid the bills and here i was being banned from the flat because it suited him. Instantly with his track record if he had invited his friend to come to the flat withour my knowledge who else was he inviting and again in the future i would be banished again to suit his selfish narccistic needs, this is no midlife crisis nor troubled childhood this is pure shelfish narcissism.
When H got home later that night to find me and d3 were not there (we werent due to leave for another 2 days) H text me saying 'Ok see u went home, thanks for saying goodbye love u too' to which i did not reply i seriously think he has a problem as how can he seriously of thought i would stay another 2 days after he has banned me from coming the next week??
The past few days he has been sending me texts saying 'u not going to say anything' then saying 'i see u like to play games well u will find out what happens in the end' then saying 'i need ur help' then saying 'hi d3 love u miss u loads' at this point some 4 days later he had pulled at my heart string and not wanting to keep d3 totally away from him i let her phone him, they spoke briefly then he immediately text me saying 'good to see i can still speak to my own child' i at this point am still not replying to him.
Since then evry morning and evening he has been texting d3 saying 'daddy loves u' 'daddy misses u' etc... i nor d3 (who couldnt anyway) have not replied nor phoned as i see now that this is still more of his manipulation and controllloing tactics.
I have been read and re-read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft which has scarily explained so much. I was one of those women who constantly said something is wrong with this relationship but not knowing what it was made me feel like i was crazy and that i was the problem but now i see this relationship was very abusive.
I'm still not replying to anything he says until he at least aknowledges me in that i am a real person, until now he still hasnt asked why i left, if were even okay, if we need anything, me and d3 are sleeping on half a sofa and luckly have a fridge and cooker but nothing else, he has everything else the house is empty except for old trashy things to throw away of no everyday use and he does not seem to care.
But the way i feel is that i would not care if we had no house running away and keeping as far away from him as possible is all i can think to do right now. I tried to save this relationship for so long i put all my energy and strength into it, i gave and gave until i had no more to give and it was either give in and do whatever he says or use whats left to save me and d3, which i did and i am still doing.
I now see the elephant in the room and the elephant sees me the elephant is looking straight at me and i can no longer act as if i have never seen him.
I guess not all marriages/relationships can be saved.
wow d3... i read your other thread and half of this one and I had enough...
While we always say here that we need to own our part in the breakdown of the M, I can not imagine anyone with sense about them suggest that your H is abusive... and it is appropriate that you place as much physical and verbal distance between the two of you as you can at this point, including the incident with your D3 and the dark bathroom...
While I know the egg shell thing, trying to keep the peace and all that, I cannot remember having quite the obvious attacks that your H has been bringing on, such as the breakfast incident...
I have my own developmental issues, most of them worked out... but no matter how much work I did to get over them and how strong I was, spending 11 years with a similar personality as your H (the blaming, projecting, discounting, etc...) no one is strong enough and no one should ever have to put up with that and I found some of my traits coming back... I've been working to correct that... I'm almost 100% back, having been physically removed from that for almost a year...
Get yourself safe and take care of you and your D3... find a support group or just a number of supportive friends... and figure out where you want to go from here...
Oh, and considering you're at 58 posts now, you should no longer be moderated so your posts should show immediately on hitting submit...
Thank you for your support, i know understand and appreciate that this site isnt really for those who are walking away from their marriage.. ur words have brought me comfort so again i thank you :0)
I understand i have my own issues and for the most part have been working on them, reaching were i am today is a huge 180 for me as usually i'm always fighting for our relationship, i know i could have sorted this out so that at least the peace was kept but i just had no more energy in me, i was psychically and mentally drained. I presume that alot of LBS wont be interested in hearing what a WAW has to say but you do need to see the shoe from the other foot. I am sad to see this end i loved him with all my heart and then some, i did anything i could to make him happy but at the end it was just more of the same, i do hope we can be friends.
Friday i text H in the morning to let him know i had paid his bills as i didnt want him to get into trouble and will be sending is online card to him registered post.
H then kept phoninh, i was at work so didnt answer, he text me saying 'answer your phone' i text him 'can't' H replies he wants to know whats going on, so unfortunately i let him know exactly what i thought of him (in hindsight i should not have gone there feeling so emotionally, this was the reason why i had not responded to him already)
I ended up sending him 10 messages at one go, H replies that if i want to sort this out i will be in the flat tonight if not its over. Again i do not understand how he does not see this as controlling and manipulating behaviour, needless to say i didnt go i couldnt go anyway and felt this was an unreasonable request.
We ended up speaking on the phone and that just made matters worse but what got me was all of the name calling and put downs he was throwing at me, i never was did any of that but noticed if i made a point he couldnt argue quick enough he would put me down, the one that stuck was that i do nothing, i come to HIS flat and do nothing just take up useless space, anything i do claim that i did a trained monkey could do it and the trained monkey would do it better.
I didnt argue back i couldnt as i began to feel worthless again. I text H saying 'Ur right were going nowhere right now we're both too angry and hurt to do this right now. I need some time and space to sort myself out. Lets agree that d3 will call u at least every other day and we will check in with each other at least once a week for now'
H text back 'You think thats going to sort you out'
I text back 'i'm willing to try it'
H then calls me and says that he's not waiting around for me i say to him i'm not expecting him too i understand the message was vague so how about he gives me a week, H then says that i am not worth waitng a week for and that i'm nothing and if i want a week then he'll be off doing his thing with someone else, i told him he was being unreasonable especially after all the hurt he had put me through i was only asking for a week.
H then went into what i call a rage, more put downs and self pitying saying how he is the bad guy its always him i'm perfect, i told him how i have never said that i was perfect and have done thigs too but i still need a week.
The conversation ended with H stating to me that i'm a crazy psycho have i heard myself i seriously need to get some help as i've lost my mind etc...etc... but the part that hurt me the most is when he said that he seriuosly thought that i had killed our d3 and buried her in the garden!!
wtf!! dumbfounded is not the word, my heart completely broke then and any hope that i had left had evapourated as i could not believe he could think such a thing about me, i told him as he trully believes that all though it had been a week and he still went to work he couldnt have been that bothered about me killing her AND burying her, that he should hang up right now and call the police and his family to get her body and hung up.
H then kept phoning and phoning, he then sent a text saying, 'if u dont answer the phone i'm not going to try anymore, All the best'
H phoned again i've still not responded in utter shock now, then an hour later H text that he knows he's messed up he knows i was always there for him, that he knows d3 is okay etc etc
I havent spoken to him since, H did text that he will sort out the divorce in Nov and collect whats left in the house (meaning i will have absolutely nothing as me and d3 are already sleeping on half a sofa) He has also put us a seperated on FB and left the following statement on my FB page
'breaking up is like a broken mirror, its better to leave it broken then hurt yourself trying to fix it. It hurts that i meant everything to you like u said i mean nothing to you. It hard to tell your head to stop loving someone when ur heart still loves them it likes telling trying to remeber someone you never knew. In time i will get over you'
I'm not even going there!!!
plan to continue to tidy the mess that was left when moving and will let d3 phone him tonight as i know he has a comp this weekend so could do with her support.
I read your thread and I swear that I was the same kind of man your husband is...to a "T". And my exW was the same kind of woman you are. You have to walk on eggshells all the time because of his explosive negative behavior, even over seemingly small things. The problem is him, and what he feels inside himself. He blames you, even though you have nothing to do with it. He tries to control his environment to avoid the bad feelings he has within himself. His strategy of trying to 'control and manipulate' fails for the simple reason that the primary cause of his bad feelings (anxiety, failure, inadequacy, powerlessness, unloveable, etc.) is within him, not in his environment (you). This form of abuse, as do all forms of abuse, results from a failure of compassion. He stops caring about how you feel. It'd probably be less hurtful to you if he never cared about how you felt, but at one time he did care. Now it feels like a betrayal when de doesn't. And you adapt by walking on eggshells to try to keep the peace. That's an awful way to live. You second guess yourself so much that you feel as though you've lost yourself.
I'm gonna recommend a book to you, it's called 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosny. It's about turning your resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive relationship into a compassionate, loving one. I wish to God I'd have known about this book and the information inside of it years before I learned of it.
I completely understand your anger and rage.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
thank you for your reply and recommendation on the book have now ordered it (have been reading so many lately). Thank you also for the insight from a males perspective especially one who feels they know how my H might feel and think. I really value your insight so please do chime in and feel free to offer any further assistance it is very appreciated.
I have now started to realise that my H has a problem within himself which he conflicts with, in the sense that he has an image of his sense of self but his practices do not live up to them so he does not know who he is.
We have not been together for a while, his job gave us the oppourtunity to live apart (he is in another city now)we have been in true recon since Nov and i have noticed many changes in him.
A major talk we had at the beginning of recon were he apologised for a heck of alot of things admit his short comings admitted not knowing whats going on in his head.
This for us has been a first i have never seen him being so sincere and remorseful, his apologised in the past for things but never been this remorseful and admit guilt.
My rage came about because of the pain i had hung onto without realising it, it was brought to the surface when i checked his email (he knows i check) and saw that the OW had contacted him yet again and saw red, H had replied that he needs to be left alone but i never really saw that bit was too busy being in rage.
Once i had calmed down i realised i was playing straight into OW plan she had constantly being contacting my H in hopes of being a thorn in our relationship, in hopes of me finding out and ending the relationship (she even contacted H on our anniversary in an email he did not open saying 'hey, i miss talking to you, why dont you come online anymore? ive got a new computer so i'll do whatever you want online you can see me now, xxx) this helped to show me they hadn't had contact in a while at least.
Just after i went into rage my H suggested we try MC and IC as we cant do this on our own and we need to sort us out big time.
Last night i recived an email blind copied to me;
"Hi OW
Thnaks for your last email.
I know i always call on you when i'm going through s**t, then after that i don't call you. i know you said i got until the 9th to reply to your message.
I know I have been going through some hard times over the past weeks, thinking about it over the past year and i'm just taking up your life. I'm not going to keep you on the back burner. Its best we just call it a day no point in playing games.
You need to move on with you life, yes we had fun and that was it. It just lasted to to long we should have call it a day long time a go, in fact it should never have started.
If I do try and call, text or email you just dont reply its just me being dumb. We need to move on and stop trying for someting thats not going to happen, If it was going to happen then it would have, all we are doing is just wasting time and money point less.
Hope you understand what im saying, half of the time I dont make any point.
You need some one thats going to be there for you and love you. I dont love you at all i'm sure you worked that out a long time a go but not choicing too.
Wish you all the best in life
Bye"
To me its a formal start something which my H has never done before, anytime he has contaced OW he always got me to write to her or did it in front of me at my request which i see now was just forced so the contact never ended. This time he has done it himself no prompt from me so this is a 180 for him.
Now i'm thinking softly softly catch a monkey in terms of our relstionship. my H has said to me that me leaving him really work him up and scared the hell out of him, it made him face feelings he hasnt had to face before.
i quote i read in one of the books ive been reading is now my motto and has helped alot which i now have murged with my as always keeping hope and love alive. now it is;
ACCEPT more and EXPECT less and you'll have fewer disappointments whilst keeping hope and love alive
(just to journal after reading the accept and expect quote i started to accept that my H was confused so cudn't make a decision instead of expecting him to do what's right, also i accepted that he cud not give OW up as he needed a distraction and instant gratification from our problems instaed of expecting him to end it immediately (this was before he sent email to OW) and you know i havent felt as disappointed in him))
BTW, the reasons that I felt the way I did, which caused me to treat my loved ones like I did...those reasons don't mean [censored] to the victims of my behavior! It helped ME to know why I acted like I did, so I could do something about it. But the bottom line is this...I had no right to treat my loved ones like I did. I have no excuse for treating my loved ones like I did. They, understandably, felt (and still feel) rage and anger toward me because of the hurt that I caused them for years! I can't change the past. If I could take it all back, now that I know better, I would. I can't.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
