@ JS - Yes.. I do feel ready to "drop the rope". It's soaked in acid and I feel my hands are too far gone to hold on any longer.
That was kind of a gross picture.. sorry.
But there is a part of me that isn't ready to give up. There is no pride in this saying.. I just don't want to. I feel like I'm putting conditions on my love for her - although I also fear that if I don't.. I will hang on forever because of that love.
But there is no reason to try and get blood from a stone any longer.
Journaling - My wife got back to me pretty fast. Our next session is November 1st. I got upset with her that she responded so fast.
I get upset at her for taking care of something. I mean I want her to be responsible, but because it's in regards to D.. I don't want her to be??? Because I show her tough love and she doesn't buck against me.. I get angry at her??
That's dumb.. and conditional love.
It's like if I admit the positive in her, I can't continue to be mad at her for leaving me. If she is changing for the better, than I use the justification that she is the same w.. because she left me.
It's like I have to be right or the better person because I'm the LBS. Because I need some explanation for her need to cut me out of her life.
I just need to pray to God for a changed heart in this area. If I show her tough love and she reacts in good way.. or if I set boundaries and she respects them.. then I need to be okay with it. I need to be okay with more 180's not equaling recon or even her speaking to me.
I need to not let my hurt and pain twist my intentions to show her tough love or loving from a distance.
The first round of 180s were easier because they were benefiting me. It was me working on myself.. loving myself. These next 180s will be much more difficult. They will require me truly loving my w. In a time of such pain, I will have to love her more than I ever have. I will have to love her the most in a time where she has loved me the least. Man.. the timing is a b!tch.
I'm sad that this is really a lost cause. I'm sad that I will be rejected regardless of what I do.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
