H and I went for a walk earlier and he told me this from his perspective:
"I wasn't happy, I was not feeling anything with you. We had so many fights, so many things happen, it piled up and I couldn't find you anymore. I felt like we were roomates"
"I gave up on our marriage. I was wrong not to come to you first and work things out. I just gave up and thought what I was doing with ow, was the right thing"
"I felt like I went crazy and I didn't feel good about what I was doing when it was going on. I hated hiding from you but I needed something to change and I didn't know how to change it."
"I feel calmer now, and I want to move forward with you. I don't want to relive and rehash everything all of the time."
"I won't let this happen again, I've learned my lesson. I know that I have lied in the past and promised to never lie again. I want to build trust again. Is that possible?"
These are some of the things he said...
I'm really happy that he's at this point.. but I feel like a mess inside. I feel frightened inside, while projecting an image of calm.
I did open up for a moment and I told him, "I was so afraid, and I felt very destroyed inside."
When I said that he started crying. And he said, "I was such an idiot. I was a complete idiot and everyone probably thinks I have been idiot".
We talked just a bit longer about rebuilding trust. You see, he has lied in the past about something that broke our trust. It wasn't cheating or anything like that. But it was a lie. And he promised to never lie again, and then he went and did all of this with ow.
I'm back at square one. I'm scared. If I put my heart out there... will it get stomped on? I don't want to be a year or so down the road with him, and relive this nightmare.
Now I need to think about what I want. I want my h. But I don't know how to move forward when I feel shattered inside.
