GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

I used to really give off that vibe, I thought, by not making eye contact with people or not smiling but just sort of looking what I'd call detached or distracted. For at least a month or so now, every time I go anywhere, I really make a point to make eye contact with people, say hello, smile, etc. So I don't feel like I'm giving off that vibe. I was talking about this to Eric and he said maybe now I'm looking TOO eager. I can't win ;-)

I do think that I am in a horrible place geographically to meet men who want smart women. I only have a master's and I'm more educated than most people. Those with master's degrees around here all got them from a school that sprang up pretty suddenly and has a terrible reputation as all but a diploma mill, with classes that have no academic integrity. Entire school administrations around here are run by grads from the same program, which just keeps hiring its own grads as part-time instructors.

I used to be VERY needy and could easily have seen myself asking men for help with things in my yard...you know, "can you come over and lift this load of stone for me?? (batting my eyes...) Well my "princess" persona was the first thing that I worked on to get rid of entirely, as it was the thing that XH criticized me most heavily for. Initially I got rid of it to prove to him that I was tough...but over time it became so empowering to be able to do it all myself and not have to use my feminine wiles to manipulate men into doing things for me, that it really stuck. I would literally hate myself if I were to revert to my old girly girl damsel in distress behavior...and I do think that around here, that's what men want.

Case in point: I've been matched with hundreds of men on eharmony over a 4 months period. ONLY ONE out of at least 500 was from this area. That's a computer saying that there is no compatibility, you know? All objective. I get the most matches from the Philly, Washington DC, or Metropolitan VA areas...2 or more hours away, and not only can I not leave this area because I would commit professional suicide if I did, but I don't WANT to leave my job or home. Not for anyone.

I do feel very doomed to never find anyone. And what eats at me more than anything isn't really the loss of a confidant--because I have loads of friends. It's the loss of physicality. I don't even really mean sex. I mean, holding hands. Getting a hug. Smelling a guy who smells GREAT, up close. My skin just sort of aches for some feeling of touch. I no longer mind if I get bumped by a stranger somewhere. At least it's something. I have a cat who likes to sit above me on the couch and pull my hair and I let her do it..and sometimes she hurts! I let her do it because it's at least a sensation.

I met a woman recently who is best friends with one of my friends. She is attractive and smart and funny as can be. She went 9 and a half years without a date or physical touch after her divorce. Then she had a brief fling, and now it's a few years later and she is still alone and rarely if ever finds anyone to date. And she DOES go out to meat markets, too.

I am so fearful that I'll end up in the same boat. Tomorrow is my 500th day since the bomb. It seems so long, but it also seems so short compared to how long it might be before someone ever holds my hand again.

Anyway I feel like I'm going to have to start paying to get massages just to deal with this type of loss. How absurd is that? But I can't seem to find any literature out there about this particular post-divorce problem, and without a book to guide me I'm lost ;-)

I realize that this can all be fixed with a quick fling with some random guy, but that's just not for me.

So I let my cat pull my hair to substitute ;-)