Hi. This is my situation. We Are High School sweet hearts. We’ve been together since we were 13yrs and 14yrs old. Both of us have never been with anyone else.
My wife had just had the year from hell. She had 3 operations, Problems with work that went on for 3 months where they were trying to fire her for something she didn’t do. This was all very stressful on both of us and did put pressers on our marriage. So we decided to go on vacation. We went to Florida and had the best holiday we’ve had in years and by that I mean me and the wife was very intimate with each other all holiday. On the way home my wife said to me that that was the best holiday we’ve had in a long time and that we should come again at the end of the year on our own again. (Us and the two kids. As we normal go with friends of ours and this time we didn’t). I agreed with her and said we will arrange it.
When we got home to England my wife was telling everyone what a good holiday we had and that we was arranging to go again in November. I came back form that holiday more in love with my wife than ever and I thought she was in the same place as me. A customer of mine that worked in the same industry as my wife had heard about the problems my wife had had at her place of work and asked me if she wanted to talk with him about a position that had come up at his company. I asked my wife and she said yes I would love to get out of the place I work at now. The only problem was that the salary was $7500 a year less and I was worried about how that would affect our standard of living. So I was not as enthusiastic as I should have been about this new job. But I said to my wife it’s your choice you have to go to that place of work. So my wife takes the new job. She worked her notice of 3 weeks and then started this new job. After the first day I asked her if she liked her new job and she said yes I am going to be very happy here. After day two she came home and just sat on the sofa and didn’t move all night. I asked what’s wrong and she said nothing. I said I take it I am making tea and walking and feed the dog then. She said nothing so I got up in a mood and did all the jobs I asked her if she wanted anything to eat and she said no. and then went up to bed.
When I went up to bed she was asleep so I thought nothing of it and got into bed. The next morning I put my arm around her and as I did that she got up straight away but I didn’t still think anything of it. I sent her a text at work and asked if everything was ok and I never got a rely. So I went to meet her from work and walk home with her I could tell she was not in a good mood so I asked what’s with the death walk and got no answer. When we got home she sat on the sofa and said we need to talk. So I said ok what up and then came the bomb. I am depressed and rightly or wrongly I blame you. I said in what way have I made you depressed she said it’s all your moods, being grumpy, having a go at me, putting me down all the time, telling me I’m pathetic , I will admit that I do these sometimes even calling her pathetic, But I never meant it. It was a way to get her to have a go back at me when she was running away from an argument. I really worshipped the ground she walked on.
She then said I’m thinking of going to my mums for a few days what do you think. Well I said if you think the grass is greener on the other side them f**k off then. Not thinking she was serious. At this time it was time for my son to go to his athletics training so I said I will take him a talk when I get back. When I get back she is sat on sofa with a bag packed and I say what that she say it my bag I am going to my mums. I ask what about us she says I need time and space from you and then we will see if we can pick thing s up. And then she picks up her bag and leave’s at 9:33pm 27 July four weeks after our holiday.
I did all the wrong thing over the next few weeks pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. I then sent her an email that I open up my soul to her. Saying how sorry I was and that I can change and the I love you’s. I then had access to her email account and decided to snoop. I found that she had sent my email to a male work colleague of her at her old place of work within minutes of me sending it and asking him what his thoughts are about it. I felt betrayed so I rang her and told her that someone had told me that she was seeing the bloke and sent him my email. She said I will come and see you tonight. When she arrived I looked her in the face and asked her if she was having an affair. She looked me back in the eye and said no he is a friend. I asked have you been meeting up with him she said yes in town for a coffee. (This hurt like hell). She reassured me there was nothing going on and she left back for her mum’s.
The day after she calls after work and says to me that she wants to get herself a flat that she had seen. So we sort money out so she can get this flat all the time telling me that she needs time and then we will get back together. So I go along with the flat I also help her move into the flat with furniture and thinking from our house. Two weeks later she says do you want to come and have tea with me at the flat. I am over the moon this is us starting to sort thing out. So I tell my sister that I am over the moon about it and she starts crying I say what up and she then tells me that someone had seen her car outside a flat (not hers) and that she didn’t go home all night the car was still there at 9am the following morning. So I went to see this bloke at his flat we spoke for 2 hours and he convinced me that she slept on the sofa and that they was just friends. I went to her flat at 2am and got her up and told her I know you stayed at his flat all night she said the same thing as what he did. Just friends. All this time we have still been seeing each other and going out for dinner and things. I logged on to her email’s again and found that she had been sending him photos of her new hairdo and asking him if he still liked and his reply was Ho Yes!!!.
She has since been and seen a solicitor and sent me a not nice letter telling me she wants a divorce ASAP. Since this letter I have been Dbing and not contacted her for two weeks now. She did ring me one time to see how I was as she had herd that I was ill. But I was short with her and didn’t come over very well (I know but it’s so hard to even hear her voice). There is more that has gone off but this is where I am at the moment.
Me 38 Wife 39 Married 17 Together 25 D 12 S 9 Bomb 07/27/11 Separated 07/27/11 OM EA Poss PA 08/30/11 PA confirmed 10/23/11
Last night I went up to W's flat and OM car was there. So went early this morning and OM car was still at her flat. I was so annoyed I wanted to trash his car up but I didn’t. I just went home. This is a 180 for me as I would have normally gone in the flat to confront them.
Me 38 Wife 39 Married 17 Together 25 D 12 S 9 Bomb 07/27/11 Separated 07/27/11 OM EA Poss PA 08/30/11 PA confirmed 10/23/11
What is the best way to DBing when there's a OM? And not having any contact.
M8, I am sorry that you find yourself here. Have you read the Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? It will help you navigate through this mess.
I'll be back....just wanted to bump your thread.
There are great members on this board that can help with this ^^^ question. Time and space. A lot of it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
If there is an OM, there is nothing you can do. Sorry for the harsh truth, but your W is so focused on her relationship with the OM that she is oblivious to anything else. Reading the Divorce Remedy might help you sort out your own feelings and emotions, but it will provide little to help deal with the OM.
Some people say to confront your W about the OM, but that might cause her to go more "underground". Other people say to let the affair run its course, but that could take months or longer.
I will tell you this: do not snoop. Do not check her phone, her e-mails, her online accounts, Facebook, do not drive by her house to see if the OM is there; this will only hurt you and make her angry if she finds out. She will do what she wants even if every one of her friends and family members are furious with her.
Your best bet is to completely detach from her. Do not mention his name or acknowledge his existence when you talk to her. Be as aloof as possible. Be mysterious; not in a fake contrived way, but share as little information about yourself as possible.
This is going to be very difficult, perhaps the most difficult situation you have ever been through. You will need to exert control over your thoughts and emotions if you want to have any chance to save your marriage, and even if you do everything to the letter, there are no guarantees.
I have been through this and am still going through it. My W had an EA and the OM moved across the country to live with her. She has no remorse, and blames me for the marriage woes that "drove her to this." Don't fall for that if your W tries to sing the same tune. Don't let your thoughts and imagination drag you down. Easier said than done, but it is essential for your self-respect, self-esteem and sanity.
This is not about you. It is about her and her selfish choices. Concentrate on your own well-being and try not to look into the past.
Post here often. It helps.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I find that in my sitch, i don't even acknowledge the OW. I know where W has been --- I refuse to use the OW's name, refuse to say anything about her.... At the very least it helps us remain (appear anyway) aloof and gives us some dignity. I was in R once before where there was OP. It was drama-- drama ---- drama.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Don't drive yourself insane. Don't check on them. It'll only make it worse. Most after divorce relationships/affairs last less than 9 months, rarely make it past 6 months. "The grass on the other side may look greener, but it still has to be mowed." I pray/talk to God a lot. I focus on work or my kids. Mine is still my world and she knows it. We actually had a mini-argument tonight and she said, "See why we're exes?" "Nope, still don't." I won't lie to her, but I don't volunteer much either.
M-34 W-31 2 S,11&11 1 D, 6 T 13 YEARS M 12 YEARS ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009 We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
