Looking for the silver lining...

[AntoniaB]

IB I don't know if it's that we don't respect ourselves enough...I think it's more that we have this 100% belief in our marriages and in the other person, and we can't fathom a life outside of that, and we know that morally it's "right" to try to hold it together despite what they do to us or the marriages.

I think you were willing to sacrifice your self-respect to hold the family together because you saw the family as "more important" at that time. You probably thought if you could hold the family together, your sacrifice would have been worth it, and you could always "rebuild" your self-respect later. That's how I felt too.

I probably owe XH a tiny bit of thanks for making the break when I would never have done it. I remember him saying "how many times do I have to hurt you for you to let me go?" He knew I'd sacrifice myself over and over for him/the marriage. I kept saying that I could forgive what he did, and he kept saying "but I don't think I should be forgiven."

Maybe your XH feels the same way. I think on some level they KNOW that we are people who are stronger "morally" and would not be tempted to betray a partner, and they know that they aren't that person, which is why they so often choose an OP who is morally bankrupt as they are. I mean, my XH chose a woman who left HER 6 year live-in boyfriend the day my XH left me. Who was the one person in the world who wouldnt' judge him? Her.

Bottom line is that we did our best to hold marriages together because that was the "right" thing to do...the ethical and moral thing to do. It doesn't mean we lacked self-respect.

I think the test of self-respect comes much later, if the X comes back and we just throw ourselves at them after all we have learned and ignore it if they are not changed at all, and I just don't see you or me doing that :-)