new to this..

[gunny]

Hello Learning,
Sorry you find yourself here. I would suggest you take some time to read some of the posts on this forum. You will learn alot by reading, get strategies and ideas. Read the books, DR, DB ETC, and have an open mind and ears. You will learn much,
Good luck!
Gunny

[luvhurts49]

I am in the same boat L2L. My brain has never been able to shut off, which has made me such a great problem solver and is great for my line of work, but when it comes to R and my own M, it is a complete nightmare.

And because I have this uncontrollable need to talk to my friends and family about how I am feeling, I am slowly loosing my friends because they are getting tired of hearing about it and they are tired of seeing me so depressed, unhappy, and at may times, unstable. I try to keep up appearances for my kids (when I have them), but it is hard because when I see them, I think of my W and that starts the whole unhappy stage again.

I have never been a very outgoing person even though a couple of my friends are. When I am able to get out with my friends, I usually do not have a very good time because I either don't know how or because I'm thinking of my W.

I wish I knew where to start L2L, because I would like to know as well. Unfortunately, I live in a smaller town where there isn't much to do besides going to the bar and I'm not into the whole bar scene.

[totallygutted]

ok, so i need some serious input, I am a 40 yr old women that has found herself in a place I never thought I would be, I wasnt silly enough to think marriage was easy and I can look back and see the would of, could of and should ofs.. but for right now this is how it is.

I need to find things to do with myself, positive things. problem is I have no idea what to do, I feel as though I have no friends, no interests and outside of my work and children I really do nothing.

My brain wont shut off, it is constant panic of what my H is doing, this is not healthy for me or my children. I need to find a life! but where do you start?

The thing that saved my life was exercise and meditation. I had an old 12 speed bike I started to ride everyday on a nearby trail, at the end of the trail some days I was okay, on others tears would stream down my face as I watched happy couples walking by , but I kept at it and day by day things got better. I meditated on ridding my heart of pain, bitterness and resentment, asked for guidance from within and without. The Impressions through this guidance was the pain would only go if I began to "work on myself" and be the "best you can be for your children and everyone you meet, whatever positives you put in will be returned" I know it sounds like I'm delusional, but when I used to trust my gut instincts and listen to them before I never found myself in the position I'm in now...

[Valeska19]

L2L
((())) Sorry you are struggling with the GALing.

I started by grabbing a piece of paper. I wrote down stuff that I always wanted to do. I wrote down stuff that I wanted to do with w, I wrote down stuff W didn't want me doing (you would have to read my sitch to understand that better).

Some of it was random.. ie - wanted to pierce my ears a 2nd time. Some was typical - wants to own a jeep as my 1st new car.

Putting it down on paper made it real. Then I attached timelines on when I could do it. Then when I did it - I physically crossed it off my list. That motion, even though small, felt so rewarding.

There is also a part of GAL that can be painful. I wanted to try new things, but in order to do that.. I had to deal with my demons. Learning new dances meant I had to let go of my fear of looking like an idiot. Going to social events meant I had to be comfortable with talking with strangers.. etc.

No matter what it is - it's personal growth. Whether it's getting over demons, helping keep your sanity, detaching.. these are all things to help you become a BETTER you.

So come on.. what would you do if you money, baggage, children, marriages, weren't in the picture?

I know you can think of something! Write them down here. We'll be your biggest cheerleaders!

[NLW]

Ditto, L2L,

I gave myself over to family and work - pretty much because I had to; there was no time for anything else these last few years.

Now H is gone and I have even less time to do anything other than see to the kids and my home.

I have been trying to get to the gym, as I still have some time left on a previously paid membership. I also try to get out with my kids whenever I can - shopping, movies, sport, running, visiting grandparents.

And I've just told my closest friend at work about my situation (reluctantly). So I think I will be able to start to visit with her and GAL in that regard, too.

But like you, my brain won't shut off and I know this is not healthy. I'm hoping that it will change as time passes....

[Grace_O]

The thing that worked best for me when my mind was racing was something physical. The endorphins helped me feel better in general and I was always better able to stop the spinning.

I know that work and kids can be all consuming. What do you do when he sees the kids? Does he have them for enough time that you could get out? There are sites like meetup that are people getting together with the same interests. There are a ton of groups within a resonable driving distance of me. Dancing, walking, photography, dinner and a movie etc.

You may have to force yourslef at first and that's ok. After awhile you will settle into what you really like best.

Take care

[learning2listen]

so today is a very difficult one, I have found the pain to be increasing rather then decreasing, lunch last week was nice, and to my knowledge nothing has happened to him to make him angry or aggitated.. but he has definately withdrawn again. I can feel it. I am not a priority, we talked about having lunch today and I have heard nothing, he leaves tomorrow for an out of town meeting.

I feel like too much time is passing with out him around and he will soon replace me. I feel depressed. I honestly dont know how to continue just acting like this is no big deal.


He has not acted as though this is at all affecting him with the exception of saying he misses the kids. He is not using cruel words anymore he is just silent to me.

I am tired of trying to hold it together, I see the changes I am making and some are good, some on the other hand, are just plain not me.

[Rick1963]

L2 I know those feeling too well. My W acts the same as if this is no big deal and can't wait to get away from me. But I know your H is hurting and confused and probably feels just like you do. You can not show that you are desperate or needy. You need to look good at all times and act confident even if you have to fake it. Act as if you are moving on and that you will be ok with out him. That is what the old timers who have succeded tell us. Hang in there

[Grace_O]

L2L,

The changes you make always need to be for you. They just don't stick otherwise.

That being said, it takes time to not be so focused on them that you are reading between the lines and desperatly trying to figure out what they want so you can make it all better. Truth is you can't. Not that way.

When you do an honest assessment of your behavior in the marriage and look at the person you are vs who you may want to be, that's where ownership and changes come in. It isn't easy and again, it takes time.

I used to be so impatient to stop feeling like cr@p and to truly be detached and stop spinning. To tell me that it took time made me a little crazy.

Whether or not he acts like it's affecting him or not, doesn't mean anything. You don't know what's in his head. That he tells you he misses the kids is good.

As far as too much time passing, that remains to be seen. The best you can do is to take care of yourself and your kids. Focus on what you can control, which is only yourself. As much as you want him to see the hurt, anger and damage, it won't help to have it in his face. It's just pressure.

What can you do that might make you feel better? Does taking a long walk or some form of exercise work for you? Journaling? It may only help for a minute at a time right now, but you build on that.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough day.

HUGS

[learning2listen]

Well it appears he has done it again, he said late lunch today (his suggestion) said he had errands to run before he leaves tomorrow he would call me later, well I think 430 in the afternoon is way past late....here is what is funny..I would be willing to bet he is asleep.

Sleep and work and the one day a week he sees his d is all he is doing..When he says he misses the kids, I think that is a good sign too, however he only sees his d, not the sd, of which he has been in her life since she was 4..

I am sorry I vent so much I am just so frustrated and I really dont talk to anyone anymore except here.. thank you to all who help, I really would have a terrible time making it through the day with out all of you.