Keeping hope alive - Ctflor Part ll

[adinva]

"The last couple of months I felt like I was going crazy. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin and I felt crazy and really down". Instead of being totally quiet I simply validated him. And he said, "I've been feeling a little better lately, but sometimes I'm scared it's going to go away"

"this whole thing was my fault." he emphatically refused to let me take any kind of blame.

"I'm working on those feelings inside of me, the ones where I want to be free, but I keep looking at you and our marriage and I feel like I need to stay, and give us a chance".

Ctflor, he sounds really confused still, emotionally, and it sounds like he has decided, intellectually, that he "needs" to stay. He didn't say he "wanted" to stay, did he?

If his mind decided to force his heart to behave, he's still struggling and it's natural for you to feel skeptical at first.

I loved the story about skipping the counseling appointment. As I was reading it I was hoping that's how it ended. It sounded romantic and sweet, like you two together against the world. My vote is that it was definitely the right thing to do that day.

You already said you wanted to stop counseling here and look for someone more suited to you in your new place. Moving is stressful and you're coming out of a very stressful time, and if you could use the help of talking things through with someone professional, you should get that help.

If H isn't interested in going, and wants to pursue his struggle internally, I think you should probably honor that.

But don't let his words change your DBing - keep being the best you, keep your focus on improving yourself, for yourself.

If he doesn't know why he just "went crazy" he won't know if it'll happen again. It's better if you can know what happened so you can fix those things, but even fixing the things that were wrong is no guarantee of a happily ever after. If you haven't read DR yet that would be helpful for you. Especially with an H who doesn't want to go to counseling, solution oriented, do what works and don't do what doesn't, seems like the best chance of improving your marriage.

In his way of thinking, which sounds kind of black and white - crazy feeling vs stubborn commitment - he may not expect to go back and forth. You may expect back and forth if you've read a lot of the MLC threads on here, and may be better equipped to handle it if it's what you're expecting.



I don't know what's going on with H right now. But yes, July 3 up to when he announced he wanted to stay was a ride to hell and back. For both of us. And I am sitting here in the calm after the storm... but I do not feel secure. I do not feel I can trust, and I don't know if I can allow myself to believe the storm is completely over. Maybe it's just a reprieve.

As Alb mentioned, he's broken. I believe he still is, because I can sense that within him. I would love it if h exited the tunnel and never went back. I just need to be cautious.

I will keep db-ing, and keeping my changes and hope for the best.
H leaves in two weeks... to go find a job and apt for us. [/quote]