Advina, I think I've been so used to h pushing me away and holding me at a distance that I don't know how to act when he warms up to me. And it does seem we are going in a good direction.
Last night we went to dinner and a movie together. At dinner, he flirted a little with me. I was surprised. I think we both felt more relaxed with each other.
I'm trying to keep myself in check though. I try to watch my expectations. Such as, when he took off ahead of me through the parking lot... I hate when he does that, and I'm left walking alone behind him. I had to bite my tongue ... but he ended up stopping and waiting for me. Surprise lol. I find that things go smoother when I learn to not expect or judge.
As Alb says, he's still very broken and I can see this. It's true. There are still those moments I'm picking up on him... and still a bit of that wall there. That's OK I will take what he is willing to give.. but at the same time I have to keep moving forward for me.
I've been too co dependent on my husband all of these years. I need to learn how to be alive for me, and do more for me. I've been working at GAL and I think h sees this. He has only commented about how he is proud of me being in school.
I haven't worked in so many years. He also said, "It will be nice when you get a job and we have two incomes".
I think he wants to feel he has a partner, and that he's not my caretaker.
Another small 180 for me was, not letting him do so much for me anymore. Going and getting things, or helping me lift everything. He's so accustomed to doing things for me. But i'm taking up more chores and doing more lately. It's challenging with my MS but I need for him to see he is not my care taker, and that i'm his equal partner who can do things.
I'm working at trying to NOT discuss or sweat the small stuff. Things he would do that I used to get annoyed at I do not confront him with anymore.
I have nearly conquered the "questioning " I used to do. "Are you okay? Are you upset? what are you thinking about? Why are you quiet?"
I don't do that no more. When he is quiet.. I leave him be and I notice that he will come around on his own. I stopped trying to get into his head.
For the first time the other day he put his arms around me and said he was happy. I honestly didn't know how to react to this .. and that's the first time I've heard him say that in months.
I hope things are moving forward in a good way but I'm still wary, still cautious... as I can still see he is working through so much inside of him.
It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. It's hard since some of what we recommend seems so counterintuitive. But as you are seeing, it pays off. Keep at it. Keep focused on you. Be there for him but don't rely on him. You still have a long haul but keep at it!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Today was so strange, and I really need some opinions on this.
On the way to mc this morning, h told me that he wasn't looking forward to this today, and that he'd rather take me to lunch, and down to the river to walk, and call it good. And I said, "Yeah, I know how you feel" and he said, "Let's just say we went and don't" and we kind of laughed.
At first I got all worried... because all along he has been the one wanting to go to mc.
I thought for awhile and I thought... you know, I don't want to pressure him. If he feels pressured to go today, then why go?!! I don't know if I did the right thing but i looked over at him and I say...."You know what... I agree. How about lunch and go to the river for awhile?" and he smiled. A smile I had not seen in a long time! So I called and cancelled our appt. We both were feeling pretty good and in a good place. Lunch was so much fun, and the afternoon was fun.
Part of me wanted to ask... why don't you want to go to mc? But I decided not to ruin the day with questions. But later on he thanked me for not going... and said, "I want to move forward with you, but I don't feel I can do that when we have to sit there and dredge up everything over and over."
I just listened to him talk about this, and I said, "Yes it's hard."
And then he said, "I don't want to talk about "ow" and see the pain in your eyes every week.. " and then he started to cry.
Then he said, "Can't we just move forward? Can you forgive me? I won't do this ever again. I know I was wrong."
And I said, "I have already forgiven you" and he looked shocked.
I started to break down and I caught myself, but I told him, "I don't want to go through this again. I don't want this to happen again... and if counseling can help this..." and he said,
"If going to counseling will help me prove to you that I won't do this again then I will go. I just want to move forward with you. I'm feeling happy lately, and I feel I have come to this decision about us and I like the way I feel the past few days..."
I basically told him that I felt we should each do what each of us feels right.... and left it at that.
Any opinions on this latest development? Thanks all!!
Alb, that's the thing. And that hurts but it's true. I can't rely on him.
Your post brought tears to my eyes, wishing to hear those same words from my wife. I'd just try and stay strong if I were you and see if his actions continue to follow what he says. In my case my wife does not even talk to me unless it's about the kids, it's almost like shes read Divorce busters and is DBing/NC-ing me....
If anyone happens to read this, I really need some advice on the last two posts. Thank you!!
Last night, h and I were laying on the bed talking, the way that we used to do. Joking with each other, etc. But then he got quiet. I did not engage in my usual "What's wrong?" questioning. After awhile he said, "Well aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?" LOL I just laid back and giggled. I could NOT contain it. I felt awful for laughing but I was more or less laughing at the fact that, he has been SO used to a different behavior out of me that when I stop doing it... he had to ask. He looked at me a little strange and laughed and said, "what?" and I said.. "Ah nothing..."
And he said something that I was not expecting. "The last couple of months I felt like I was going crazy. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin and I felt crazy and really down". Instead of being totally quiet I simply validated him. And he said, "I've been feeling a little better lately, but sometimes I'm scared it's going to go away"
Then he told me, "I want you to know you didn't do anything, this whole thing was my fault." and I disagreed and briefly mentioned a few things I felt I was doing that contributed to some of our marriage problems... but he emphatically refused to let me take any kind of blame. But then he did say, "I see something a little different in you ... and I hope we can keep going forward". I validated again, but I did NOT discuss my db-ing. And then he told me "I'm working on those feelings inside of me, the ones where I want to be free, but I keep looking at you and our marriage and I feel like I need to stay, and give us a chance".
I don't know what's going on with H right now. But yes, July 3 up to when he announced he wanted to stay was a ride to hell and back. For both of us. And I am sitting here in the calm after the storm... but I do not feel secure. I do not feel I can trust, and I don't know if I can allow myself to believe the storm is completely over. Maybe it's just a reprieve.
As Alb mentioned, he's broken. I believe he still is, because I can sense that within him. I would love it if h exited the tunnel and never went back. I just need to be cautious.
I will keep db-ing, and keeping my changes and hope for the best. H leaves in two weeks... to go find a job and apt for us.
"The last couple of months I felt like I was going crazy. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin and I felt crazy and really down". Instead of being totally quiet I simply validated him. And he said, "I've been feeling a little better lately, but sometimes I'm scared it's going to go away"
Originally Posted By: Ctflor
"this whole thing was my fault." he emphatically refused to let me take any kind of blame.
Originally Posted By: Ctflor
"I'm working on those feelings inside of me, the ones where I want to be free, but I keep looking at you and our marriage and I feel like I need to stay, and give us a chance".
Ctflor, he sounds really confused still, emotionally, and it sounds like he has decided, intellectually, that he "needs" to stay. He didn't say he "wanted" to stay, did he?
If his mind decided to force his heart to behave, he's still struggling and it's natural for you to feel skeptical at first.
I loved the story about skipping the counseling appointment. As I was reading it I was hoping that's how it ended. It sounded romantic and sweet, like you two together against the world. My vote is that it was definitely the right thing to do that day.
You already said you wanted to stop counseling here and look for someone more suited to you in your new place. Moving is stressful and you're coming out of a very stressful time, and if you could use the help of talking things through with someone professional, you should get that help.
If H isn't interested in going, and wants to pursue his struggle internally, I think you should probably honor that.
But don't let his words change your DBing - keep being the best you, keep your focus on improving yourself, for yourself.
If he doesn't know why he just "went crazy" he won't know if it'll happen again. It's better if you can know what happened so you can fix those things, but even fixing the things that were wrong is no guarantee of a happily ever after. If you haven't read DR yet that would be helpful for you. Especially with an H who doesn't want to go to counseling, solution oriented, do what works and don't do what doesn't, seems like the best chance of improving your marriage.
In his way of thinking, which sounds kind of black and white - crazy feeling vs stubborn commitment - he may not expect to go back and forth. You may expect back and forth if you've read a lot of the MLC threads on here, and may be better equipped to handle it if it's what you're expecting.
I don't know what's going on with H right now. But yes, July 3 up to when he announced he wanted to stay was a ride to hell and back. For both of us. And I am sitting here in the calm after the storm... but I do not feel secure. I do not feel I can trust, and I don't know if I can allow myself to believe the storm is completely over. Maybe it's just a reprieve.
As Alb mentioned, he's broken. I believe he still is, because I can sense that within him. I would love it if h exited the tunnel and never went back. I just need to be cautious.
I will keep db-ing, and keeping my changes and hope for the best. H leaves in two weeks... to go find a job and apt for us. [/quote]
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I messed up the quoting, those last few paragraphs were yours ctflor!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
H and I went for a walk earlier and he told me this from his perspective:
"I wasn't happy, I was not feeling anything with you. We had so many fights, so many things happen, it piled up and I couldn't find you anymore. I felt like we were roomates"
"I gave up on our marriage. I was wrong not to come to you first and work things out. I just gave up and thought what I was doing with ow, was the right thing"
"I felt like I went crazy and I didn't feel good about what I was doing when it was going on. I hated hiding from you but I needed something to change and I didn't know how to change it."
"I feel calmer now, and I want to move forward with you. I don't want to relive and rehash everything all of the time."
"I won't let this happen again, I've learned my lesson. I know that I have lied in the past and promised to never lie again. I want to build trust again. Is that possible?"
These are some of the things he said...
I'm really happy that he's at this point.. but I feel like a mess inside. I feel frightened inside, while projecting an image of calm.
I did open up for a moment and I told him, "I was so afraid, and I felt very destroyed inside."
When I said that he started crying. And he said, "I was such an idiot. I was a complete idiot and everyone probably thinks I have been idiot".
We talked just a bit longer about rebuilding trust. You see, he has lied in the past about something that broke our trust. It wasn't cheating or anything like that. But it was a lie. And he promised to never lie again, and then he went and did all of this with ow.
I'm back at square one. I'm scared. If I put my heart out there... will it get stomped on? I don't want to be a year or so down the road with him, and relive this nightmare.
Now I need to think about what I want. I want my h. But I don't know how to move forward when I feel shattered inside.
Two months ago, H told me that all of his feelings for me were merely sentimental.. because we shared a past, had a child, etc. But that he didn't feel love or passion for me.
Last night, as I laid in bed, h began talking about how he had been thinking. He now says that his feelings for me are still there, and that he is in love with me. I said, "So you feel that these feelings are not just sentimental?" and he said, "I know that I still love you... and that it was there buried under the craziness I was feeling. I know I was not here this summer. I don't understand why."
This is supposed to be THE best thing to happen right? I should be HAPPY. But for some reason I feel...
lost sad worried confused scared and displaced
I know h is very confused, and I know I should not try to rationalize a MLC'R. But HOW does a man go from being SO sure he has NO feelings... to still being in love and having feelings?
It's like a switch flipped, and I'm spinning.
He wants to ML nearly every day. We never even ML that often prior to BD. I don't understand what is happening inside of his heart or mind.
I should be happy, so thankful that H has poked out of the tunnel, but I'm so scared I can't let myself be happy.
I did tell H, when he brought up his craziness, that ... he was completely out of reach and that I could not reach him. And he said, "I know. I was crazy."
