new to this..

[NLW]

l2l, think I know what you mean - is he taking these steps as a way of trying to work things out with you, or is he just trying to turn you into a 'buddy', i.e. someone he can interact with in a cordial way when it suits him.

This is what I think about in regards to my own situation.
My H seems to want to continue to be my close friend, and socialise with me all the time, but he does not want to be married to me - which basically comes down to the fact that he does not want to sleep in the same bed with me overnight.
So bizarre...

And are my actions enabling the prolongation of this sort of arrangement that suits him and only him?

In your case the fact that he's talked of hope is a big positive.
I'd give anything to hear that sort of talk from my H. He just keeps saying he doesn't know, is confused, and doesn't want to give me 'false hope'.

Seems as if you're doing the right things, so hold the line and I'll be thinking of you.

[learning2listen]

So today is a pretty dark day, for me the emotional loss of my H feels like someone reached in and tore my heart out and left a gaping hole in my chest.

I am struggling with a few things, I am suppose to detach, not contact, this is considered pursuing and I should not do it. Well then I read that if it is depression or Mlc I should still let him know I am here for him..

So what do I do, when I reached a point after our lunch that I just wanted to talk to him I sent him a text saying I would like to see a picture of the pumpkin he carved (he is an artist at heart so I knew it would be amazing) within a few seconds I had two text showing me the pumpkins.. nothing more than a couple texts and I was fine.

I decided to "test" the waters and sent him a text that said I hope you have a good day.. he responded with he hoped i did as well, then when I got done at work, I was overwelmed with the missing him so I text him with a simple "how was your day?" he responded pretty quickly with a run down of his day and asked how was mine? I responded the light heartedly and with much of the same as his..that was that, just simple exchange of words, nothing more. So my question to all of you? am I pushing? now if I dont text am I hurting our movement forward, we have had no R talks in several weeks, but most of our conversaions are good but nothing more than what you would say to someone you barely know.


I know I have to show him things will be different but the main issue in our relationship that he has shared with me is not different. We still have all the finacial issues and the resentment he holds for me is still there. He is giving me no signs of hope other than being cordial? I am completely lost. It has been nearly 3 months since he dropped the bomb and 2 and half months since we stopped living together.

I can not believe this man does not miss his family but yet it seems like he doesnt. He seems to be living life day by day and creating a new one without us.. I know that is what I am suppose to be doing yet I cant stop thinking that it is wrong, I dont want a new life without him. I want a new life with him. I want to be stronger together....

I am probably backsliding and dont even realize it.

[workinghardguy]

L2L... Sandi2 made a good post over on my thread. Some of it is specific to WAWs, but there was one concept that I think is really useful and applicable to all WAS.

The reason we LBSs have such a hard time is that we are working on salvaging the R, but the WAS has already left. They are NOT leaving... they have left. Read those two sentences again because they are critical. Sometimes they have physically left already (as many sitches here show) and sometimes, like my W, they have simply emotionally left. But in either case they are gone.

What this means is that we are looking for signs that our WAS is considering not leaving, but that ship has sailed. So really the LBS and WAS are working at completely different outcomes. The WAS wants to be "cleanly done" and the LBS wants things to come back together.

This is why you see no help or assistance from the WAS. Why would they? It doesn't meet with their goals. So what then are we, the LBSs, doing?

25 has a saying to keep the road home paved and smooth. THAT is what we are doing. The WAS has made their decision, but that doesn't mean they are 100% sold on it. It doesn't mean they don't have doubts, or worries, or fears. Think about any big decision you've ever made... maybe taking a new job. Did you ever second-guess? Look back and think that you made a mistake?

Our role is to create a situation that when they look back they see something other than what they are used to. If they look back and see what they've always seen then they will do what they've always done. But if it's something different then this piques their interest. Remember, at some point our WAS married us because they saw potential and promise. Now that potential and promise is obscured and buried beneath pain and issues. But if there was potential and promise, what might that mean?

Using my sitch as an example... I know that my relationship with my kids, especially my SS and SD, has not been great the past few years. It is one of the factors leading to my sitch. So if I did nothing to change that relationship then my W would look back and see that absolutely nothing has changed. So why reconsider? Why have doubts? If she were to return she would be putting her kids right back into the negative situation she just took these dramatic steps to remove them from.

So I have to change that dynamic. So when she looks back she sees that things are different. In her moments of weaker resolve, and she has them (she has to, she's human), it gives her something to ponder.

So don't expect him to help you AT ALL. Don't look for his approval or blessing. Don't expect any attaboys or love. If you are going to change do it because you want to change. Those changes hopefully give him pause to consider his actions.

[2thepoint]

I decided to "test" the waters and sent him a text that said I hope you have a good day.. he responded with he hoped i did as well, then when I got done at work, I was overwelmed with the missing him so I text him with a simple "how was your day?" he responded pretty quickly with a run down of his day and asked how was mine? I responded the light heartedly and with much of the same as his..that was that, just simple exchange of words, nothing more. So my question to all of you? am I pushing? now if I dont text am I hurting our movement forward, we have had no R talks in several weeks, but most of our conversaions are good but nothing more than what you would say to someone you barely know.

If you follow the rules, then I would say that you perhaps you are indeed hurting your movement forward. What you describe are pursuit activities that you should be trying to avoid. I'll give you an example of what I have been doing along the same lines.

Normally when my W sends me a text, I respond almost immediately and then try to string along the conversation as long as possible. Now when she sends me a text such as the one she sent yesterday asking about the boys soccer games. I let several hours go by before responding and then only provided basic information. No further texting after that. It is extremely difficult! I would love nothing more than to have an actual conversation with her. But she is not ready for that and maybe never will be. But, I have to do this if I want this DB to work.

Some people who post here talk about conversations that have with their spouses and it makes me wonder just how detached they really are. If they want to create mystery and pique their partners interest, then time and distance is what is needed to make this happen. If we are in daily contact with our partners, how will we create the mystery? How will we get our spouses to see us in a different light. I think the old saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder, applies here.

[learning2listen]

These responses are great..however I don't understand when you or where you start? How do you know? It seems all just like the cheseless tunnel if your not trying anything how do you know?

If this is truly depression how do I let him know I am still the safe person?

It all seems as clear as mud.

[workinghardguy]

Learning... you're confusion isn't unusual, I struggled with the same confusion. What you need to realize is that much of what DR suggests doesn't apply when you're in Last Resort Technique land. LRT is when you're spouse is out the door or ready to go out the door.

However, the LRT stuff and the other DR strategies don't necessarily work great together, at least not at first.

As far as the depression thing goes, I can feel for you, I'm in the same boat. The suggestions I've received from my counselors are to simply say, once, "I'm sorry you feel so down. If you need someone to talk to you can talk to me. I'm not expecting you to or demanding it, just offering. If you ever need it just let me know."

Outside of that you can't do much else. He has to take responsbility to make himself better. You can't force him into treatment, you can't make his appointments, you can't really do anything. If he starts to threaten self-harm or talks about suicidal ideations then you need to take him to the nearest ER or call the police. But other than that you don't get to try and make him better, mainly because you can't.

[NLW]

It has been nearly 3 months since he dropped the bomb and 2 and half months since we stopped living together.

I can not believe this man does not miss his family but yet it seems like he doesnt. He seems to be living life day by day and creating a new one without us.. I know that is what I am suppose to be doing yet I cant stop thinking that it is wrong, I dont want a new life without him. I want a new life with him. I want to be stronger together....

[color:#3366FF][/color] L2L, Just wanted to let you know that you and I are on the same time-table: 3months since BD and 2 & half since 'separation'.

Like you, I can't believe my H doesn't miss his family - he was the epitome of the good family man before... and I just want him back in a new, better relationship.

So, I'll be watching closely to see how you are going, and my best wishes go out to you to stay strong and see your way clear through this.

[learning2listen]

Nlw, whg,
Beings he has left wouldn't I be in last resort stage?? My h seems to be living each day without us..I don't really know how we can show that it could be better if we don't make attempts..however I could see him trying to be just my friend..it would be nice in his mind if we were friends during the d ..

The main problem I have is I don't know anything, he is talking to me, he has started to want to have lunch with me, but yet we speak nothing of the r...no talk about why he up and left, no telling me he is happier being gone..

He sent a text yesterday out of the blue asking what project d had? Its like he had to think about it..I simply responded with what it was and that we had it started..he then sent his visit plans for the week, I said it sounded good and to have a good day, he sent back for me to have a good day too..I feel like he is giving me more than he has, but I don't know. At any given moment the alien in his body can take over.

You see nlw, my h was never the perfect h or family man, for the most part he slept, worked and slept some more. When he says he wants to be stronger, I have to assume he is talking in general not specifically about us. That is why I think its more depression. Its like he just snapped.

[learning2listen]

ok, so i need some serious input, I am a 40 yr old women that has found herself in a place I never thought I would be, I wasnt silly enough to think marriage was easy and I can look back and see the would of, could of and should ofs.. but for right now this is how it is.

I need to find things to do with myself, positive things. problem is I have no idea what to do, I feel as though I have no friends, no interests and outside of my work and children I really do nothing.

My brain wont shut off, it is constant panic of what my H is doing, this is not healthy for me or my children. I need to find a life! but where do you start?

[Rick1963]

Try a divorce care group it is free and they can be found in every state. Going to one tonite. Join a gym, get a hobby, go out to eat walk, movies, church. tons of stuff to do. hang in there