GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

Oh and you can leave your profile pic blank or just put something like a sunset or flower or really anything. Don't put your real photo--and you can pretty much make up anything you want. I have a friend who lists his age as 110 or something ;-)

[beatrice]

Hi, could you give me the book title please - it is on another thread, and I forget whose. I used name here, and a great grandmother's name as last name. Kind of cute, domiloe.

[AntoniaB]

Fairy Tales Reimagined. Just put it in google.

[AntoniaB]

Fairy Tales Reimagined: Essays on New Retellings is the full title.

[AntoniaB]

And I'm not K. Bernheimer. She wrote my forward ;-)

[AntoniaB]

Oh! Easy-peasy, I think I found you first!

[beatrice]

Yup, I did the deed! Even sent a message.

[AntoniaB]

Well, it's been a few weeks....so an update...

This is the longest period of no contact ever. I lost track of the number of days, but it's at least a month and a half. The money from my 403b still has not moved to his new acct. I don't know why. I expect that in a week or so XH will send an email that says "hey, that money didn't move...what's going on, hope you're doing well." And I'll end up saying..."call the company." They never budge when I call...but when he has called, they do. That's the only reason for he and I to ever be in contact, really. When that's gone...that's "it."

For a long time I've thought that if one of our cats was at death's door I would contact him. As time passes I feel like I will not. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but my instinct is to just deal with it on my own and not open the door to him. It's not like he ever asks me how any of them are...including the two cats he was incredibly close to.

The only thing I know of XH is this: we are not connected on fb as friends, but there are certain things you can see about one another if there is no block. What I can see of him (yes, I have spied out of curiosity) is that he has not ever made any new friends beyond taking on OW's friend group---who are all her "theater" people, mostly gay guys (neither of us were ever homophobic but I know that "old" XH never would have felt comfortable having really "out" gay guys as friends)...and the bulk of her friends are in their 20's. XH is 44 almost 45.

In the past week he did add one friend: a person who just graduated from hs...so an 18 year old, who is in some theater program in college. This is SO outside the realm of who my XH "was"...he'd never have put people on his fb list who were so young. What does a 45 yr. old man have in common with an 18 year old? I don't get it.

Interesting other facts...he has reconnected on fb with the people that he was friends with just before he met me...3 guys he was friends with "kinda sorta" in college, who he drifted away from when we started seeing each other. All were merely acquaintances back in the day, I know that for a fact. Not close with him. But he is now connected with them over 20 years later through fb.

Also, one other thing....he is subscribing to music or artists that he and I were once really into on fb. As in you can subscribe to "follow" the posts of a musician...and he just recently chose to follow two artists that he and I saw repeatedly when we were married. In fact the one artist is a guy we saw in a restaurant and we sent drinks to his table...that was one of our most "kick butt" memories.

What I find strange about this is that I have ZERO desire to listen to music from these artists anymore. I have all the cds. I just don't want to listen to them. It's not that I think it will upset me; it's that they represent a time in my life which is "no more." I've been on this quest lately to find NEW music, new bands, to listen to. XH isn't. He is listening to the same people we listened to.

He posted on a friend's page an upcoming concert of one of these "has-beens" at a venue an hour from here.

For a moment I thought about going myself. Then I thought really, Antonia? That's the past. Don't go backwards.

So...he's reconnected with people from before he met me...and he's listening to old music, music that I very much doubt his 28 year old OW cares about.(LOL I have visions that all she listens to is Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, ha ha).

And meanwhile, I'm firmly shutting the door on ALL of that... trying to find a new soundtrack for my life and new people.

I don't know that this means anything. I'm just finding it all really fascinating. I guess what it means is that it's just another way I'm seeing that XH and I do not have the same agenda in life. Were OW not in the picture, apparently he and I are quite divergent in paths anyway.

[AntoniaB]

Oh and duh...what am I doing... :-)

I have just over 50,000 words written for my book, and I need to hit around 85k or 90k by Dec. 31. Then I need to revise/edit; it's due March 1st. I'm not sure if I'll make it in time. I do very little but research and write at this point. I do go out once in awhile. This week I have to take a cat in for surgery, go to meditation group, and I have dinner scheduled with one friend and drinks with another. Other than that, it's all research, all writing, all week. On weekends I watch movies and do my hobbies, mainly.

I try to meet guys...and I do...but everyone is always married. I've met a ton of new people by going out and being social. But I have never been approached by anyone, hit on by anyone...it's kind of freaking me out at this point. I don't know that I'm ready for a relationship, but it kind of bothers me to feel so invisible. I live in an area where I am very obviously on the "better" end of the spectrum in terms of looks, but still, nothing. I am also on eharmony, and no one pays attention to me there either. I even send out the initial queries and I get ignored.

I've had friends read my profile and they all say the same thing: "guys want stupid women. It's obvious that you're smart and independent and accomplished. They are threatened by you."

I even put on my profile "please don't be intimidated by my job...I'm basically a high school teacher for older students." Why? Because every guy I have met has told me the same thing: "when you told me you were a professor I almost didn't talk to you because that intimidated me."

I do think that this is a problem of the area I live in (DE). EVERY PLACE I GO people act like I'm the freaking pope when I tell them I'm a professor. It is NOT glamorous, and I probably make less money than they do.

I've been told by many I will have to LIE about my accomplishments/job/who I am if I want guys to approach me on eharmony....and so far I refuse to do that.

So I'm single...lonely sometimes...but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it if I want to be true to myself.

[beatrice]

Hi Antonia. Both of your posts really resonated with me.

My xh 'reconnected' with people he used to know, made few new friends etc etc. I think it is all pat of their stuckness.

As to being intimidating - tell me about it. I was a professor, and then worked as a consultant. And I heard all of that stuff about men not liking intelligent women.

And you know? If someone doesn't like who I am I am not pretending to be someone else in order to have a man in my life.

I also believe that we attract people who carry the same amount of damage that we have, so when we are damaged we attract other damaged people, and the healthier we get, the more we attract the less damaged people. And you are right, many of the good guys are married. But not all. A really good friend of mine met and married a widower about 2 years ago. They are incredibly happy, and really value each other. She is a very gifted pianist, and an author, and very bright btw! He is highly intelligent, and really nice. Loves her accomplishments. But that is grown up for you.

So the better you are the less you will attract damaged people, and there are actually men out there who like women with brains. Honestly. Not many [I could make a cheap shot here, but will refrain, with difficulty ]

I believe that God, or the higher power if you aren't religious, but spiritual, will help us if we help ourselves, and that when you are ready for a new relationship you will find one, and it will be great.