GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

Well, it's been a few weeks....so an update...

This is the longest period of no contact ever. I lost track of the number of days, but it's at least a month and a half. The money from my 403b still has not moved to his new acct. I don't know why. I expect that in a week or so XH will send an email that says "hey, that money didn't move...what's going on, hope you're doing well." And I'll end up saying..."call the company." They never budge when I call...but when he has called, they do. That's the only reason for he and I to ever be in contact, really. When that's gone...that's "it."

For a long time I've thought that if one of our cats was at death's door I would contact him. As time passes I feel like I will not. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but my instinct is to just deal with it on my own and not open the door to him. It's not like he ever asks me how any of them are...including the two cats he was incredibly close to.

The only thing I know of XH is this: we are not connected on fb as friends, but there are certain things you can see about one another if there is no block. What I can see of him (yes, I have spied out of curiosity) is that he has not ever made any new friends beyond taking on OW's friend group---who are all her "theater" people, mostly gay guys (neither of us were ever homophobic but I know that "old" XH never would have felt comfortable having really "out" gay guys as friends)...and the bulk of her friends are in their 20's. XH is 44 almost 45.

In the past week he did add one friend: a person who just graduated from hs...so an 18 year old, who is in some theater program in college. This is SO outside the realm of who my XH "was"...he'd never have put people on his fb list who were so young. What does a 45 yr. old man have in common with an 18 year old? I don't get it.

Interesting other facts...he has reconnected on fb with the people that he was friends with just before he met me...3 guys he was friends with "kinda sorta" in college, who he drifted away from when we started seeing each other. All were merely acquaintances back in the day, I know that for a fact. Not close with him. But he is now connected with them over 20 years later through fb.

Also, one other thing....he is subscribing to music or artists that he and I were once really into on fb. As in you can subscribe to "follow" the posts of a musician...and he just recently chose to follow two artists that he and I saw repeatedly when we were married. In fact the one artist is a guy we saw in a restaurant and we sent drinks to his table...that was one of our most "kick butt" memories.

What I find strange about this is that I have ZERO desire to listen to music from these artists anymore. I have all the cds. I just don't want to listen to them. It's not that I think it will upset me; it's that they represent a time in my life which is "no more." I've been on this quest lately to find NEW music, new bands, to listen to. XH isn't. He is listening to the same people we listened to.

He posted on a friend's page an upcoming concert of one of these "has-beens" at a venue an hour from here.

For a moment I thought about going myself. Then I thought really, Antonia? That's the past. Don't go backwards.

So...he's reconnected with people from before he met me...and he's listening to old music, music that I very much doubt his 28 year old OW cares about.(LOL I have visions that all she listens to is Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, ha ha).

And meanwhile, I'm firmly shutting the door on ALL of that... trying to find a new soundtrack for my life and new people.

I don't know that this means anything. I'm just finding it all really fascinating. I guess what it means is that it's just another way I'm seeing that XH and I do not have the same agenda in life. Were OW not in the picture, apparently he and I are quite divergent in paths anyway.