Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 13 1 2 3 4 12 13
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
you'll never get support from his family. you may get short term, but never long term. its family.

what he did was give you the best he could.

if he told his family that it was a bad breakup, you'd get zero support. what he did was prevent his family from hating you. he allowed you not to be uncomfortable. he helped you save face.

there are very few men in this world that would be so lenient.

recognize this. and appreciate it.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
Originally Posted By: figgeroni
Why do you think you would have more support if you were dramatic about it?

Didn't you say in an earlier post that you weren't really close with his family and you were upset when he told you they said they were sorry and to say hi (which would imply they already knew you both were no longer together)?

so what does that mean???


I was "close" with his father, in the sense that he and I talked more than exBF talked with his father. And he's said nothing - about any of it.

I said there was a "temptation" in a way to not make things look so smooth - but obviously I'm not doing that. It' stupid - but it's also a little annoying that it's as if no one cares - at all.

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
Workinghardguy, I think my "hope" which has quickly gone down the drain - which may be why I had a big of a hard 24 hours - thursday into friday - (something was triggering me, but I wasn't sure what, and suspect it was this) is that someone on exBF's side would talk to him.

I'm apparently not the only one with this hope. My mom and sister kept asking if he told his dad yet.

Today, my own dad, who hasn't acknowledeged this since when I told him a month ago said, "Did his father say anything? What does he think of this?"

So I know it's my dad's hope too, that someone would say *something* - anything - to exBF.

For example. 'Are you sure?"

"Do you think that's the best decision?"

"Do you guys just need time?"

"Relationships are hard work."

IDK - anything.

Even a mutual person who knows him (a kind of friend we both had) is like "I wish I could talk to him. someone needs to talk to him."

And while I've pretty much all but given up on the thought that anyone can change him, I think our situation is particulary unique in that his mother and sister's haven't spoken to us or him in a year and a half. So they know none of this -

He has no friends.

I don't know anyone at his work.

And now the only people who do know - that also know me - and love my D (and me, I guess) are his dad and step mom (and two step siblings who are grown with children that we've been friendly with) ... there might be an aunt or uncle.

I really truly believed his aunt, at least, would talk to me. Just to see how I'm doing.

But with the PR package being "it was mutual, we decided to be friends,"

I'm afraid that it just make me look like an idiot. Like, um, no, I did not ever say this was mutual. And so telling others that so that no one would come down on him just feels sucky.

He just seems to be in a weird place. No friends, cancels his IC appts. Doesn't go into the office anymore - says his boss is "mad at him" and is living in the woods for no clear reason. Like no one can say anything to him.

So it remains.

ESN #2194455 10/24/11 02:33 AM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
Thanks, Ken. You're probably right about that.

I'm going to a family party next Sunday and I'm a little nervous. There were three this month and we went to the first one (we agreed ahead of time to go to them all together with D - and spend family time together) and we went to the first one, didn't go to the second, then he told his dad, and I'm not sure about the third. Is it awkward? Dumb for me to go? All of them will no by know. We'll all just "pretend"? together? I don't know anymore.

It was supposed to be fun- a five year old judging all our halloween costumes.

I still want to know his family. At least the little family he has/talks to. But maybe that party is weird?

ESN #2194500 10/24/11 02:14 PM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
Yesterday, we had a "tiff" - he started in on me with that sarcasm I don't like that feels intended to hurt, and I bit. I haven't done this in a long time. But I got triggered. We went back and forth about how he didn't mean it that way, and how I thought he did and that he should go do that to someone else, but not me. I'm tired of it.

He left for the day and I called him and said I was sorry. He right away said "I didn't mean it that way." I said, "I'm sure you didn't." And he said he was sorry to.

It was really nice. Just to show him positive regard and give him the benefit of the doubt.

I guess I'm so used to him *not* saying nice stuff about me, that it's hard to believe he doesn't mean it sometimes. But I just stepped up and was like "I bet you didn't." And so that worked.

ESN #2194554 10/24/11 07:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
next time, make it happen like this:

"Yesterday, we COULD HAVE had a "tiff" - he started in on me with that sarcasm. BUT I Just ... showed him positive regard and give him the benefit of the doubt. AND THE REST OF THE DAY, WELL, It was really nice.

He left for the day and I DIDNT NEED TO call him and said I was sorry"


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
KenF #2194566 10/24/11 08:40 PM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
Thanks, Ken. I'm aiming for that and this is the first time its happened in a long time. I've been good, though.

He hurt his wrist last night and didn't come back until late, and I was really good with him this morning - i had a super busy morning, but was trying to help him find a doctor, texting to check up on him. Writing thoughtful texts to him. He even called today (he rarely initiates a call) to tell me what happened in the ER.

more and more it's looking like we have to move out, unless he wants to step up and give a little beyond the minimum. I'm still only 5 weeks into my work search and things are coming in but nothing I can hang my hat on yet. Be nice if I didn't have to go crazy also looking for an apartment right now and moving farther away (there's nothing in any of the surrounding towns either b/c it's overall just a very expensive area) - if he gave me a little toward rent and utilities, I might be able to make it work. But.

So it's been a little tough being nice to him when it feels like he's leaving us in the lurch here. Trying though. And still putting in my crazy long days to do all I can.

ESN #2194705 10/25/11 04:16 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
you're not doing this for him.

you're doing this for your daughter, and for your growth.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
KenF #2194727 10/25/11 05:24 PM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
Thanks for the reminder, Ken.

Things are baaaad right now. Just trying to keep my head above water. Talked to my mom about moving in. Talked to my sitter about whether she'd still work for me.

ExBF locked D in a room last night, and when I came out to see why she was shreiking, I found him using a lint brush on a jacket, very calmly. I asked if he could get her (didn't show him I was freaked out) and he said no. He said, "I told her I'd come back." And so I went and got her. She was shaking and threw up on me. I was on a conference call for class. When I came back out of the room, he was gone. She stayed up the rest of the night - until 6 am. I couldn't get her to sleep no matter what. I've had 2 hours of sleep and am now actively looking to move. Unfortunatly, I can't afford anything for miles around. I have even my neighbors looking. I just did a search on three different sites for anything...

He'd committed to being here for two weeks and contacting a psychologist for D around sleep. I can spend a few weeks training her to sleep, but not with the 16 hour days I have set up currently.

He also said yesterday he thinks he might get fired. He hasn't responded to phone calls or texts.

I get that he's overwhelmed. That's fine. I've been nothing but nice.

ESN #2194728 10/25/11 05:25 PM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
I'm being very transparent in the above post. In other words - vulnerable, tired. Please gabby's mom and all the others - I don't need a lecture right now. I get it.

Page 2 of 13 1 2 3 4 12 13

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5