new to this..

[workinghardguy]

L2L... Sandi2 made a good post over on my thread. Some of it is specific to WAWs, but there was one concept that I think is really useful and applicable to all WAS.

The reason we LBSs have such a hard time is that we are working on salvaging the R, but the WAS has already left. They are NOT leaving... they have left. Read those two sentences again because they are critical. Sometimes they have physically left already (as many sitches here show) and sometimes, like my W, they have simply emotionally left. But in either case they are gone.

What this means is that we are looking for signs that our WAS is considering not leaving, but that ship has sailed. So really the LBS and WAS are working at completely different outcomes. The WAS wants to be "cleanly done" and the LBS wants things to come back together.

This is why you see no help or assistance from the WAS. Why would they? It doesn't meet with their goals. So what then are we, the LBSs, doing?

25 has a saying to keep the road home paved and smooth. THAT is what we are doing. The WAS has made their decision, but that doesn't mean they are 100% sold on it. It doesn't mean they don't have doubts, or worries, or fears. Think about any big decision you've ever made... maybe taking a new job. Did you ever second-guess? Look back and think that you made a mistake?

Our role is to create a situation that when they look back they see something other than what they are used to. If they look back and see what they've always seen then they will do what they've always done. But if it's something different then this piques their interest. Remember, at some point our WAS married us because they saw potential and promise. Now that potential and promise is obscured and buried beneath pain and issues. But if there was potential and promise, what might that mean?

Using my sitch as an example... I know that my relationship with my kids, especially my SS and SD, has not been great the past few years. It is one of the factors leading to my sitch. So if I did nothing to change that relationship then my W would look back and see that absolutely nothing has changed. So why reconsider? Why have doubts? If she were to return she would be putting her kids right back into the negative situation she just took these dramatic steps to remove them from.

So I have to change that dynamic. So when she looks back she sees that things are different. In her moments of weaker resolve, and she has them (she has to, she's human), it gives her something to ponder.

So don't expect him to help you AT ALL. Don't look for his approval or blessing. Don't expect any attaboys or love. If you are going to change do it because you want to change. Those changes hopefully give him pause to consider his actions.