What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... wow, yesterday I didn't journal, too busy

Good day, as those go now I guess.

Woke up with a sense of peace and calm I hadn't felt before. I was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready and realized I don't care all that much if we stay together. That I'll be alright on my own, life will be fine, and things will turn out ok but different. It really felt great to be at peace like that. I was pretty proud of feeling that way.

Then my W woke up a while later, came downstairs... she is very beautiful... and all that sense of peace fell apart. The pain, worry, and anxiousness came back. BUT, I'm taking it as progress that I at least had that feeling for some period of time even though it wilted upon seeing her. Baby steps, baby steps.

Day started with kindergarten soccer for S. W came to the practice, and it was the last one. I was out coaching so we didn't spend the time together really, which was fine. At one point S fell and got a cleat to the head, so it was good mommy was there... there are just some things daddys don't do as well

Afterwards W went to work and S and I went off for our GAL day. Did my volunteer thing the rest of the morning, then got him some new shoes, played at the eco-park, then had to stop at Goodwill to get new clothes to replace the ones that got wet at the eco-park Ended the day with a trip to a haunted house where we went through the "not scary" for kids and since that was "boring" in the words of my five year old we went through the very scary version too

One things I've noticed is that a by-product of this whole sitch is my time with my kids is much better. We do more things and have more fun. I've stopped caring what my W will think and just do what I think is fun. For example, yesterday we went to my S's favorite park. The eco-park there had a new exhibit up and running with a stream the kids can play in, dam up, change the flowrate, etc... In the past I would have worried that my W would disapprove since it's fall, we didn't have other clothes, and it was a little chilly. But my S loves water and so wanted to play... so ahead and play. We had a blast and all it required was a quick side trip to Goodwill to replace the wet clothes with dry ones And it was a good feeling to not care one bit what my W might feel about it. If it makes her angry or concerned well... that's her issue. I think it was fine and acceptable.

A few interesting interactions with W yesterday...
She had posted to Facebook about being at soccer and her sister had made a comment. I posted about how cold it was. Around lunch my W texts me that she accidentally deleted my FB comment when she was trying to delete her sister's comment. She's deleted other comments in the past and she knows it makes me feel hurt, which is why I almost never post a comment on her page anymore. She said she wanted me to know and didn't do it to make me feel bad, just an accident. We share a few more texts but then I end it and stop sending them. That's a 180 for me. I always push the convo one text too many.

Our GAL day went longer than intended and we got home much later than planned. W got home before us to a dark house. As we were getting to town she sends me a text asking "Where are you boys at?" I ignore the text and we get home about five minutes later. First time she's checked up on my whereabouts since the bomb.

Put S to bed and she asks if I've eaten. Told her I hadn't (though I did feed S) and she suggests we get something. I go get some mexican take-out and we sat on the couch together, watched TV, and had fun talking. First time I've sat on the couch with her, where there wasn't a kid in between us, since the bomb. Also first time she didn't try and sit as far down the couch as humanly possible.

Last thing... a small bit of R talk, though sort of R talk by projection. She told me a story of being out with her girlfriends last night. Her friend's husband (friend and husband are having problems) is drunk and confronts her. Husband tells my W that since my W revealed to her friend what our sitch is, his W has been threatening to leave him. Husband is in essence blaming my W for his sitch.

We talk about that. I pretty much listen. At one point chime in that blaming my W really isn't helpful, since a) it's their problems and b) it really invalidates what his wife is telling him the problems are. She agrees with me and says "he's blaming me instead of just acknowledging the problems and working on himself to be different." My god if I didn't want to go down the road of "yes, and look at how I've acknowledged, and all the work I'm doing, and..." but I just shut up and listened.

Afterwards we both watched some of the Bridge School concert being streamed live. Then I turned in and she went over to a friend's house. Got home about 2am.

So a day of small positives. Still no signs of any cracks in the resolve, but whatever.