Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

Thanks JB.

@JS. I don't know if it works but I think this may work for me.


Journaling - be warned.. I think this may be a long one.

I've been in a funk.. for awhile. My posts have been anything but upbeat because in alot of ways.. I've been anything but upbeat.

At the beginning of September, I felt like I was about to explode. I felt that although I was upbeat and positive.. I was in turn ignoring this deep feeling of hurt and betrayal that my w has caused me. That it some ways, my positivity had reached a point of almost being shallow because it was getting to difficult to ignore those darker feelings.

So I took the plunge to just sit in them. Scared that I might lose control, many people advised me that in order to move on - I had to feel those things. I had to get through this stage.

It's been a rough two months. I've been having a hard time getting out of bed. I cry almost daily. I have screamed a few times. I punched the sh!t out of my pillow. I told God that I just can't handle it. The pain too great, the fear too strong, my faith.. too weak.

I think I kept expecting in these two months that this would just blow over. That I wouldn't have to fight through it. That one day - I would wake up and I would have accepted my situation.

Silly Val - why would this journey be any less difficult than the road traveled thus far??

I think for me.. it's become more difficult because I feel that it's time to let go. To let go of my w and our m. To move forward with the knowledge of who I am and who my w is and that our journeys are no longer connected. To let go of my fears that if I do this or do that.. she won't think I love her.. or a certain action will doom my marriage forever.

To let go and start making my life about ME vs. about her.

The truth is that my w walked away from our m. It wasn't perfect but it wasn't bad. She chose to cut me out of her life entirely. She chose to let me hanging when I was in my car accident. She chose to take money from the account w/o telling me. She's choosing to get a D. She's choosing to say our m only counts when it financially suits her.

Those are her truths. I have validated her messed up childhood. I have understood the burden she must have felt being the breadwinner for the past 3 yrs. I have looked deep within myself and have done my damndest to change the valid points she has made known.

I do not regret this.

But understanding is not excusing and I need to stop painting my w as such a pretty picture. I need to stop painting myself as such an ugly one.

I was very much a doormat in our relationship and I have posted many times about how my w treated me. In short - she didn't treat me that great. I didn't set up boundaries and in trying to love her so much - I took away any reasons for her to love me. I just started becoming this weak, sappy, spouse who would enable my w instead of growing with her. Instead of growing myself.

This has to change. Because I want to change. I don't want to be punished for my feelings or being told I wasn't worth it. If my w feels those things.. I cannot change her but I can't let her feelings dictate who I am. If this is tough love - so be it. If it guarantees the demise of my m - so be it. DBing is about saving us right... then so be it. It has to be this way..

Because she is only ONE person.. one person in my life.

I worked on House yesterday. I had like 30 people say how excited they were for me. Should I really allow the fact that because my w didn't say anything beat me down - he!! no.

Should I let it beat me down that my wife doesn't want a relationship with me when I am constantly being loved by others - he!! no.

Can I be sad - yes.. but I'm tired of crying over her. I really wish we could have made our m work, but I will survive. I will stop giving her power over the happiness of my life. I will stop giving her power over my self worth.

Now if only I could delete her from FB... because the truth is that if anybody else had said what she said.. she wouldn't be my friend... Stupid feelings.

Thanks for listening to me rant. I hope this is one of many posts that will continue to help me get through this dark tunnel. The tunnel will only end when I have walked through it. When I have stepped into the light and said "I made it".