What do I do next?

[Accuray]

Luvhurts49,

Your situation is super difficult, I didn't want to come across as unsympathetic or non-supportive above. I can understand what you're going through and it's brutal. I do identify with you, I have had issues in the past with needing to be right. I like 25yearsMlc's tag line on this forum, it says something like "Be right or be happy"

It seems like you are doing lots of things right, you should feel good about yourself for that, and you should also feel good about recognizing the reason to change.

One suggestion I would have is that you need to start validating what your wife is saying. When she says "I can't trust you", and you say "what is it that you can't trust me with", you are arguing. That question is your way of telling her she's wrong.

What I learned to do in that situation is say "I understand that you feel you can't trust me. I'm sorry you feel that way. I believe I'm a trustworthy person, and I would like to earn your trust". See, the point is, *she* can't trust you. That's not something you can argue with, you can't bridge that gap for her. It doesn't mean you're not trustworthy or that you're dishonest. She can't trust you, that could be completely irrational and undeserved, but that doesn't change how *she* is feeling. Make sense?

The key to marriage is connection, not communication. Connection comes from feeling that the other person knows where you are, and loves you unconditionally. When you don't acknowledge her feelings, you are not connecting, and to put this back, she will need to feel that connection is possible with you. Right now she doesn't -- that's her issue, she's telling you that.

Acknowledging her feelings doesn't mean you need to agree with them. The other thing is that as a man, we will be tempted to try to tell her how to fix the situation, how to get to a resolution, and that's not what she wants, she just wants you to hear her. The worst thing you can do is judge her feelings -- "that's crazy", "you shouldn't feel that way", etc., purge that line of commentary from your conversations entirely. Don't evaluate her feelings, acknowledge them. If your feelings differ, let her know how you're feeling, but not in a "you are wrong, I am right kind of way". You feeling that you are trustworthy is not incompatible with her not being able to trust you.

I don't know if you've tried MC, but in your situation it would probably help if you found a good marriage-friendly counselor. They teach you communication exercises that will help you make these conversations more productive and more "connected". I don't always recommend MC, honestly it didn't really help my W and I as our issues were not really related to communication, but based on the exercises I did when I went through it, I feel it may help the two of you.

Hang in there, this is brutally hard, but based on your write-up above it sounds like your W's mind is not as made up as she is trying to project. She's upset, she probably wants it to work out, but she absolutely doesn't want to go back to feeling the way she was. You need to pave the highway home for her with your changes, and it sounds like she might be willing to try it on if she feels you can make it stick.

Accuray