Learning from the pain....hard lessons

[In_Shock]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2181879#Post2181879

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2187023&page=1


Ok, I hit 100 posts again, so here are links to the old threads.

Sorry, I've been, as jb said, ominously quiet. I was feeling pretty ragged emotionally for a couple of days, and when I get like that I tend to do one of (or more) several things. Either I pity party, isolate myself, whine, talk to everyone in sight about my sitch, cry a lot, become snappy, etc..... I thought that it was likely that I would come on the board and complain....and go in circles. So I took a couple of days to reflect quietly (for the most part, LOL...)

I basically told W that if she wants to move out, of course I cannot stop her, but I would like for her to stay until after the holidays. If she does move, it will be a big hit financially, as these things always are...and I'd like to get christmas over. She is rather noncommittal -- I had mentioned that I will continue to give her more space (and quiet...since I talk too much!) so she will feel comfortable being home. I also said, let me know at the end of the week how you are feeling about this idea. That's this weekend....

I have thought alot about what you guys have said about seperation. Sometimes it can be healing....if both parties work on their issues. I am definitely doing that. Is she? Well, she's too busy texting the OW and spending as much time as she can over there... W has NEVER been alone as an adult. She went from parents' home to being with me. I personally think she could use the time to learn who she is, but she chose to jump right into another R. All I can control is me and I am growing...painfully, slowly, and sometimes I regress, but I am learning/growing.

Like many others have said also, I don't want our old R -- I want to begin anew. The biggest problem I'm seeing is still that damn OW -- or since W considers herself single now, the NEW WOMAN.... blahhhh. I am always concerned that ....what if this R actually works out? Then I think, ok, really? 25 is shaking her head right now..... I can see it from here. The OW is a symptom, but he!!, what if they do fall in 'love"?

Yeah, I know.... I have the 13 years, the child, the past (good and bad) and all that.... I'm backing more and more off right now....kind of going 'dim' in my own home (as ROMB told me to try). Since the DB coach advice of trying to involve W in more family things has backfired and caused her to resent the time it takes away from OW---- I'm not doing much of it now. I do tell her S and I are having dinner at this time, if you could, we can eat togetehr and talk about S's day.

I'm up and down. I'm not even expressing myself very clearly right now.

I'll post more later --- thank you all SOOOOOOOO much for your concern. I am the same way--- if one of you doesn't post for a while, I get worried. I mean, really, we are strong bunch of people here, but in some really hard situations...so I do worry about you guys as well.

[~¤DG¤~]

I know it's hard, but try your hardest to not consume yourself with all the "What if's" because there are millions of them and they are emotionally exhausting.

I'm sure it's very hard to be living with someone who is being so disrespectful and flaunting this OW in your face.

Sometimes I literally need to speak out loud to myself to remind myself that I only have control over myself.

[workinghardguy]

The OW is a symptom, but he!!, what if they do fall in 'love"?

So this will sound hard-hearted and I guess it sort of is, but not meant to be... if they fall in love then they fall in love, right? Then YOU have to decide how YOU want to live your life. Do you want to wait and see if works out? Wait and see if their love dims eventually and then see if you can rebuild from the ashes? That's not meant to sound either a) as depressing as it looks or b) as akin to a bad romantic comedy as it sounds

But really you have options and would have to decide. If you think she falls in love and goes off to make a new life with the OW, then it's up to you to start anew or wait.

My W swears she does not want to get married or in another relationship for a long time if we split up. Great, ok. Sunday when we were talking she said she wants me in her life and the kids' lives if we split. Coming over for dinner, holidays, coming at night to tuck the kids in and sing them songs if I want. Every day if I want. I said we can cross that bridge when we get there, but won't it be awkward to have me walking into a house with some guy there? My W retorted "I said I'm not looking for another R" and my response was "our lives don't always go as planned."

My point is that at some time, if the R isn't re-established, we all will probably have to cross this bridge. If she walks over the bridge and continues down the path then you can choose to wait at the water's edge for her return or cross the bridge and find your own path.

You did it once or many times before. You can do it again. And on the upside, this time you get to do it with a new and improved you who is armed with all this great R knowledge. They have to go off and their path is likely littered with the same traps and pitfalls your spouse has been running through for years.

[jbnati]

IS, first of all, glad to see you back and still kickin'

You can't worry about the what ifs with your W. If she does fall in "love", what is it really? I don't like her chances for a real relationship. You're the one that's taking the time to improve yourself and your relationship skills. You can't worry about what your W is doing.
((()))

[Rick1963]

JS good to see you again. Hope you are feeling stronger everyday. I have a question. If your W was to do all of those things would you take her back? Statistically, her R with OW is not likely to last. I have been asking myself that question. Would I take my W back? Right now I say yes because I can't have her. But once the fogs lift I don't know how I'm going to feel. I think we need to remember that we have some control here too. The faster we regain control of ourselves the faster things may improve. (((HUGS)))

[NTX_Dad]

IS - good to see you back.

I hope your week is getting better. ((()))

[In_Shock]

hey, i tried to post yesterday but for some reason it wouldn't work! My 10 year old poodle who I love is in an emergency sitch right now. She's been at the vet since yesterday with diabetic emergency - ketones in urine. As if dealing with everything else isn't enough, now my little doggie is sick. She's been here with me through so much. Plus, my other little doggie is totally lost and confused without her! Those of you who pray, pray for my little poodle.

As for my home sitch. I keep trying. I keep messing up. I keep starting over. LOL...what else can u do? I try to be patient with myself as well as W. (I nabbed a quote from another DBer for my facebook status today regarding patience!!)

My biggest problem has been and remains I simply talk too much when I need to shut up. Why i cannot do so, i have no idea. I don't mean necessarily R talks even. I wonder though, if it drives W so insane, why she fell for me and stayed so long? Hmmm? She says OW only talks about 'important things', u know. Maybe in the beginning of our R, the things I talked about were important also... Of course these days i talk about umimportant things like S, dog, mortgage, bills, etc.... Real life's a beyotch...and the fantasy is MUCH easier. I 'get' it.

So this morning as S and I were preparing to leave the house somehow in the course of the convo i told her I understand the thing (without directly saying OW...) that escaping and not having to deal with all the home stressors is attractive. I can't remember what else was said, and I don't even know how to explain it, but I keep messing up every time i open my mouth. I feel like it doesn't matter what I say, she doesn't want me to talk or be around at all.

A couple of days ago she took off work b/c she was having stomach problems, etc... she said it was because the stress had caught up to her. I told her if she wants to talk, I'm here for her unconditionally.

I'm beginning to really think we do need physical separation -- like i said before, but I hesitate only b/c i do NOT want to give up time with S. But being with W hurts so much -- she's still texting OW for hours at night. I have started leaving the room and going into 'my' (now) bedroom. I don't sit like I used to and just feel the despair (and disrespect).

I guess I STILL don't understand how she sits there and does all this in front of me. It's flaunting --- it's heartless--- and she KNOWS how I feel. I love her. I want the R to mend, and am willing to do the hard work. She has to know it rips my heart out to know there is OW.

I'm journaling and rambling a lot --- and I do feel rather stuck.

As far as GAL -- I've been hanging out with several new people -- making new friends. Spending a lot of time with S, playgrounds, aetc... He and I play outside a lot. It's getting chilly here now, so we'll have to figure out a new tactic. Maybe the mall = it has indoor playplace. The hardest thing for me, as a VERY VERY shy person has been saying yes to the invites and going out with these new friends. Plus I'm taking a class this semester -- and working full time plus.

I'm not sitting around looking at the walls, that's for sure, but I have mild OCD (I'm beginning to wonder if it's MILD or worse....lol) so I tend to ruminate. That's where i get stuck.

I know it's still early for me. 4 months and 4 days since bomb. I'm trying so hard to grow and learn. I know it gets easier.

I wrote on my hand ' be quiet' === maybe that will help!!!!

[In_Shock]

BTW ----- anybody know where 25 is??? I haven't seen any of her posts recently.

[Rick1963]

IS you are sooooo cool. I'm sorry about the pooch I know how it feels. You inability to control the talking comesfrom anxieties it is a reaction. Your W is saying things about your talking to justify her actions do not buy into it. The other Day I video taped a guy flying my plane and my voice and how I spoke annoyed me when I saw the video. Now I am more aware and maybe you could record a convo and see how you sound. Hugs

[luvhurts49]

IMO, I don't think that physical separation is going to help. I understand where you're coming from, with the pain of being so close to her, yet so far away, but I think that if you were physically separated, you would be driving yourself that much more crazy and wishing that you could be closer to her again. The hardest part is just being there and not talk, but still listening to her.

Believe me, I wish that my W was still in our home and not living somewhere else. Not only would I feel that we were closer, but then I'd at least get to see my kids everyday.