What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[sandi2]

This is the frustrating part. You have a really good day, feel like your clicking again, feel upbeat and then wham! you get pulled right back.

There have been so many LBH's who say the same thing. I believe it may have something to do with how the male is wired. Kind of like shopping. The female may look at clothing for half a day, and not buy anything. The male knows what he's going to the store to purchase, so he goes in there and gets a shirt and he's done.

Look at how men date before marriage. He woos the female until she M's him, then he stops working on their R (being romantice, etc.) b/c he has conquered the prize. He has captured his "prey" (so to speak) and in his mind....the work is finished. It's almost like his check list. Got the car...check, got the degree....check, got the wife...check. I think many LBH's looks at his WAW in the same way as he does everything else. He put forth effort but then is frustrated b/c he can't win this "battle" and go on with his life. This entire business of breaking up the M is a nuisance and he just wants to return to his everyday life he had before. Even when you know that there has been a small positive action between you and W, you do not have that sense of being "complete" and you can't rest until she is ready to R.

I believe that is why we see some former LBH's returning to the board. The majority of those men will say that they got "lazy" again and fell back into old patterns. I think you would do the same thing if your W told you today she was ready to R. You would step right back into old behavior. I say that b/c it takes time to change our old patterns, bad behavior, bad personality traits, etc. No matter how much you desire M to survive, that doesn't automatically put your new changes in concrete.

Let me add this....even when you see positive moments, or even days, that does not mean she has snapped out of the fog. She is still a WAW. Every word & deed between the two of you does not change her status of WAW. You have to realize that no matter how great the conversation may be, she will continue to behave like a WAW....because that is what she is! You are seeking a reaction from her that will tell you she's back to being her old self again. That's what sets you up to experience this frustration time after time.

How long this may continue is something we don't know. Is there hope for your M? Absolutely! But I can tell you this much....she knows you better than anybody else. When you contact to her to "remind" her of her obligations....she knows the root of that contact. You can use your son as the excuse, and you can work ten minutes on how you can word the message, even throw some humor into it....but she knows.

IMHO, until you get your focus off her and onto a life for you that doesn't include her......Nothing is going to work out. You have to be unavailable. You have to stop being her babysitter, her secretary, housekeeper, and her parent. Those are not people she would find sexually attractive and want to sleep with.

Let me ask you this question. Do you want to be with a woman who doesn't love you? Do you want to spend your free time with a person who doesn't respect you, appreciate you, or at least "likes" you? Think about it.

I hope you won't take what I'm saying in the wrong way. I realize you are trying very hard.

Remember, it's all in the attutde!