Learning from the pain....hard lessons

[In_Shock]

hey, i tried to post yesterday but for some reason it wouldn't work! My 10 year old poodle who I love is in an emergency sitch right now. She's been at the vet since yesterday with diabetic emergency - ketones in urine. As if dealing with everything else isn't enough, now my little doggie is sick. She's been here with me through so much. Plus, my other little doggie is totally lost and confused without her! Those of you who pray, pray for my little poodle.

As for my home sitch. I keep trying. I keep messing up. I keep starting over. LOL...what else can u do? I try to be patient with myself as well as W. (I nabbed a quote from another DBer for my facebook status today regarding patience!!)

My biggest problem has been and remains I simply talk too much when I need to shut up. Why i cannot do so, i have no idea. I don't mean necessarily R talks even. I wonder though, if it drives W so insane, why she fell for me and stayed so long? Hmmm? She says OW only talks about 'important things', u know. Maybe in the beginning of our R, the things I talked about were important also... Of course these days i talk about umimportant things like S, dog, mortgage, bills, etc.... Real life's a beyotch...and the fantasy is MUCH easier. I 'get' it.

So this morning as S and I were preparing to leave the house somehow in the course of the convo i told her I understand the thing (without directly saying OW...) that escaping and not having to deal with all the home stressors is attractive. I can't remember what else was said, and I don't even know how to explain it, but I keep messing up every time i open my mouth. I feel like it doesn't matter what I say, she doesn't want me to talk or be around at all.

A couple of days ago she took off work b/c she was having stomach problems, etc... she said it was because the stress had caught up to her. I told her if she wants to talk, I'm here for her unconditionally.

I'm beginning to really think we do need physical separation -- like i said before, but I hesitate only b/c i do NOT want to give up time with S. But being with W hurts so much -- she's still texting OW for hours at night. I have started leaving the room and going into 'my' (now) bedroom. I don't sit like I used to and just feel the despair (and disrespect).

I guess I STILL don't understand how she sits there and does all this in front of me. It's flaunting --- it's heartless--- and she KNOWS how I feel. I love her. I want the R to mend, and am willing to do the hard work. She has to know it rips my heart out to know there is OW.

I'm journaling and rambling a lot --- and I do feel rather stuck.

As far as GAL -- I've been hanging out with several new people -- making new friends. Spending a lot of time with S, playgrounds, aetc... He and I play outside a lot. It's getting chilly here now, so we'll have to figure out a new tactic. Maybe the mall = it has indoor playplace. The hardest thing for me, as a VERY VERY shy person has been saying yes to the invites and going out with these new friends. Plus I'm taking a class this semester -- and working full time plus.

I'm not sitting around looking at the walls, that's for sure, but I have mild OCD (I'm beginning to wonder if it's MILD or worse....lol) so I tend to ruminate. That's where i get stuck.

I know it's still early for me. 4 months and 4 days since bomb. I'm trying so hard to grow and learn. I know it gets easier.

I wrote on my hand ' be quiet' === maybe that will help!!!!