Looking for the silver lining...

[irishblessings]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment. So very appreciative. I know that I still have a ton of work to do on myself and for myself. Lots of "self" neglect to overcome.

Antonia - it's funny you used the word "standing" - I really hadn't thought of that term in many, many months. Made me question - "am I "standing"?" And I found that I really can't answer that. I don't know WHAT I am doing. Still trying to develop good habits and recognize my own needs. Still trying determine goals, plans for the future. Still trying to get by. Facing a lot of financial fears. Facing some loneliness. Facing ALOT of exhaustion. Seeing glimpses of repressed anger. Often overwhelmed. Often questioning myself over every decision - big and small.

I turned to these classes at the local church because I felt a really strong desire to hear more positive messages. Maybe to be reinforced in having some moral boundaries when I feel surrounded by complete immorality. And I am getting more and more angry as I see XH become more and more self-righteous. He has definitely had the "just get over it" attitude towards me since day 1. He has never looked back - never reached out - never checked on anything with regards to me, the house, our old life. And I have never asked him for anything since he left. I feel like I have just taken care of business. But it is just so callous and in his case so polar opposite the man I was with for so long. I know I have read that when they leave - they have had this planned for a long time and their "grieving" took place long before - when we had no idea it was going on. So now that the leaving has occurred, we are now going through our turn. This explanation disturbs me so much - not that I doubt it is true - but just in terms of the unravelling it does of the time we were together.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling - just lots of thoughts I am trying to work through and as always I am so, so grateful for your input. You all have been such a source of strength. I really don't know what I would have done without this place!

Have a great day!