Looking for the silver lining...

[AJM]

For what it's worth. Life is short. We need to live our lives as best we can.
The question is therefore, what does that living our life to the best we can really mean? Translated, it means what is the purpose of life, no?

Often in the absence of knowing what it means, we listen to the hallmark cards, the commercials, or watch others to see. We turn to religions or drugs or money or sex or careers or schooling or... The list goes on, but it's still the opium of the masses we look for.

One thing that I have found is that while life is short, it's just a reminder we need to live each day. But we should also live as if there is a tomorrow. In the context of seasons, we live each season knowing there is another season that we need to also prepare for. Season or time. A time to laugh. A time to cry. A time to... etc.

Delaying self-gratifying ways is one way we change from a four year old mentality to that of a functioning and mature adult. It has the added benefit of having long term gratifiying results for us. I bring that up because one benefit of working at goals that require delayed self-gratification gives us a sense of purpose. We get taught that in many religions. As a Christian, I see much of that in the teaching and find it to be true. Always have really.

When it comes to the guidelines, much of that is from people who have been there and done that. Based on studies etc. I can see some of the wisdom in those guidelines, but also realize that averages are a funny thing. Statistics and such can be interpreted many different ways and often are.

Personally, I think when you are able to stand on your own, be happy and content as you are with or without somebody else and have more for yourself than you can enjoy, then you are ready to share it with somebody else.

Like a previous poster, I endured years and by the time my ex left the second time, I knew I couldn't trust her enough again to have a relationship. At least not without a lot of changes that I would never see. The damage was too deep and too severe and I knew I had done everything I could to save the relationship. I was done being abused and being treated like the last 6 years of my marriage. I've often thought that if she hadn't done this, I might have. I didn't want this however, but I did want change. I think we all do over the course of our relationships.

I started dating not long after she left that second time. I found that I wasn't done "baking" - grieving, anger, etc. That torpedoed that third relationship which lasted quite a while. She's a wonderful woman, but my baggage was still truck size and not yet carry on size.

What I'm getting at is that you need to finish working on and developing you. You are forming your identity without H. Finish forming it before you take on too much. I didn't and had to go back to that point. We are all a work in progress, but until you have that balance and foundation and have gelled, your previous relationship will intrude. I've found that to be true at any rate. The guidelines are designed to give you time to gel and go through the process and on average it takes people that kind of time. If they don't, they have a higher risk of falling into the same patterns and relationships and not being happy about it.

My thoughts. Hope they help.

AJ