I've had to reflect that it was only five days ago when she said we would be split up by June. It's ridiculous to expect that to change in five days.
I go through something similar with my h. He would literally tell me he wants to stay then turn around and tell me "but i want my freedom". I have felt jerked back and forth. For the entire month after bd, he would not even say he wanted to stay...it was constant talk anout him getting his own place. So in my situation it has been a progression from.."im getting my own place/im not sure if im leaving/just want freedom and to be in love" to the most recent..."im not leaving, im staying"
Last month it was "i dont want to go but i am not happy"
Now that h has announced he is not leaving...so far there have been no words of leaving, being unhappy, etc. i worry that i may hear that again.
All i can say is, they are so confused...their feelings and behavior doesnt always match up. H would act happy at times, laugh, smile...and there would be brief emergence from the tunnel...then BAM....he was talking about how he may need to go. Within the same day. And i would be thinking...what? You have been in a great mood, we are laughing?.having fun....and then he would just ruin it. I could not understand it then.
I know its hard....but try to not analyze everything...every word, facial expression, or the tone of voice. Their confusion will drive you crazy. And you know...ever since bd, ever since discovery of ow, i became hypersensitive to h and his behavior.
Yesterday h put his arms around me and looked into my eyes and said...he was feeling happy. That is the first time in a long time i have heard my h say that. But later that night he snapped at me when i asked him a couple mundane questions about bills. Now see, before db, i would have went off...it would have led to me acting childish and engaging in a discussion about his tone. My small 180 was to drop it. Not bring up small things, i ask myself...is it worth it?
The thing i was doing with h before he announced he was staying was...
Gal, best i can Stop acting clingy Stop discussing every single thing Stop watching his every move, pull back a little without pulling back so much that im distant No over analyze his behavior to him, as in asking questions like..why are you so quiet, whats wrong with you...is everything ok? This drove him crazy. I totally began acting calm, projecting a sense of calm. He responded to this and continues to... Let little niggling things go.. Dont criticize for things he slacked off in...ie' help with chores, time with d. Give space Be patient Try to be understanding more often than not And the hardest ever....have no expectations
