Looking for the silver lining...

[AntoniaB]

First, IB, I think that if you feel that anger, you are 100% justified, and you are learning how to NOT cast it out where it will do no good, but to vent and let it pass over you. Good tactic...very healthy.

Secondly, on the class...your observations...first, I do think that a person might be able to come to a point where he/she does work on a marriage. (Re: your comment about whether a person can decide to work later when the first time they are faced with problems, they do the opposite). But yes. It takes a lot of things to make that happen. I almost think it takes a person hitting a much bigger "rock bottom" than he/she did with the initial MLC. Something really "earth-shattering" to shake them up to the point where they, like us, "do the work." I think that "life" doesn't always deal those cards though. It seems to be random chance.

In my XH's case, if he doesnt' get royally dumped by OW, or cheated on by her, I just dont' see him ever coming to that point. Honestly even the death of one of his parents isn't going to trigger it. I know him too well. He must lose "EVERYTHING" for this to happen. So I just don't put any money on that, if you know what I mean.

I do think that in some way, your post above shows your doubt in "standing" if to you, "standing" meeans "waiting" for your XH to get his head right and attempt to reconcile.

When I take your questions there about what "amends" look like today, coupled with the doubts you have about the very rigid rules that your group is placing on those recovering from divorce, to me, (and I could be wrong) you are starting to question things. You seem like you might be questioning if it is a good idea for you to carry any torch for your XH anymore...

You also seem to be questioning if those rigid rules are "correct."

If this is true, that does not mean you are looking to have a rel. with anyone at all. All it means is that you are starting to question the validity of waiting for your XH to want to and learn how to be an equal partner in a covenant.

I think you seem at a crossroads. And I do think it is being fueled by the anger you've finally allowed yourself to feel.

Here's the thing. You can CHOOSE to say to yourself, "IB is finished with that relationship. She tried everything under the sun to keep it together, and she even tried after the papers were signed to do what was right. But she could not do it alone. He had to be part of it. He chose not to be. And so IB is going to move on."

And moving on means this: you are simply entertaining the thought that perhaps, somewhere down the road, you might see your way to a life with someone else.

That's it.

Not so complex, is it? It isn't a commitment to anything. It doesn't mean you wouldn't entertain the idea of reconciliation if your XH were to get his head right. It also doesn't mean you'll be in a relationship with someone else.

All it means is GALing.

And this is WONDERFUL for you.

I've told you before that I have a lot of problems with any group, no matter the affiliation, setting out "rules" or "timelines."

I think this is all VERY individual and depends entirely on your level of recovery and detachment.

So as much as the group helps you, don't let their guidelines or arbitrary timelines get you down.

You are clearly not "looking" right now for someone. But in another year or so, given the rate of your "recovery", what if you did meet someone very kind whom you liked? Would you really want to say "no, the group says thus and so." If you personally felt "ready" to date, you should date.

Sometimes you only know if you go on a first date.

So don't let the timelines get to you.

I think that you're in a good place....and I think that you are starting to actually think about a life without waiting for XH. This is GOOD.

Just because you go it alone and learn how to thrive alone doesn't mean you shut out possibility to reconciliation with him.

All you're doing is saying that every day is precious, and I'm going to life as if he's never coming back.

That's a good thing.