Hi Folks, I have been reading alot of the posts here and have just started with a DB counselor.
I have spent the past 10 months doing all the wrong things as I was completely unaware that my H is possibly going thru a MLC. I actually still feel that he may not be but just wants to not be married. There have been many ups and downs but his basic excuse is that he loves me but is not in love. He tells me he doesn't need any other excuse if he doesn't love me.
We have been living apart but in the same city since Nov. 2010. I was basically pushed out unexpectedly as we had made plans to move away together since both of us were unhappy with where we were living and our jobs. I left to visit family and received a call that he just can't move with me. I have been confused and feeling pretty low. I was able to leave my job on my own and move my things out and now I am staying with a friend...but my whole life is up in the air and I guess I have to say I was not ready for this.
As of now I am going dark and letting my H contact which has been all email, which he suggested. I have been agreeing etc. It is very hard for me because I constantly feel like I want to fight back but know from the past that it doesn't work.
I have only my sis, Mom, and 1 good friend that know what I am going thru and thought I should reach out to you all for some support as well.
The days are long...but I am hopeful things will get better.
I have been married for 4+ years but with H for 10 yrs. No children.
We had been living separate since Dec 2010...he moved back Sept 2011 but says he shouldn't have. We made plans to live our state to get away for awhile. I went to visit family before this move and new he was up and down...while with family, he called and cancelled everything. He said he shouldn't have moved back and doesn't love me. I was devastated.
We only connect thru email and he has initiated...this is all business of course. He gave me papers as a way to get me to leave and since I have left, he has not filed and has not brought them up.
Please provide some details about your marriage and what was happening up to the bomb.
Have heart that it does get easier with time. It is good that you have someone to talk with. It does make it easier. Think of this board as a place to vent, chat, make new friends and a place to get the tools to finding yourself. that is the best way to DB.
I haven't done much as I feel somewhat paralyzed at the moment since everything happened so fast this month. Completely erratic and I am just trying to get my bearings. I am staying with a friend but plan to move in December.
well, how about you think of things that you enjoy doing. Going for a walk, going to the movies, any kind of hobby you enjoy. Can you think of any? What about going to the gym or just hanging out with friends and having fun, not dwelling on the situation.
Try and set a goal, just a small one. Maybe just an hour with a friend or family member where talking about your marriage is off limits, where you do something for fun and laugh.
I know it seems impossible right now, but just for a moment, let the worries fade away and remember who you are.
Can you give us more information about your marriage and the history leading up to this separation?
Welcome sunshine... so this GAL thing takes some courage and some willingness to leave your comfort zone to get going on. Be brave and just do it. I liken it to getting into a cold pool... you can ease in but it takes forever to acclimate (longer if you're a guy) or you can just suck it up, dive underwater, and the cold goes away a lot faster.
I've never been Mr. Social. Halloween weekend is coming up and I know my W will be very social. I'll be damned if I was going to be home babysitting while my W is out living it up. A humorist is doing a show a few hours away. I tried and tried to find someone to go with me. No luck. My friends in that city are all out of town and no one around here wanted to pony up. So.... I'm going alone. If nothing else it will be time away from the kids and the W and the sitch. I'll have time to think about things, which is both good and bad, but I'll enjoy the show, eat some good food, and maybe meet some people while I'm there.
But that is a huge leap for me... so it can be done and frankly it's good practice.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Happy to help if we can, how about some more details of your situation? When did things start to go bad originally and why? What have you done to 180 / GAL, etc.?
WRT GAL, if you're in a new place I find EDITED - ADVERTISING NOT ALLOWED can be a good resource, you can look for a group in your area you're interested in and "just show up" -- low pressure. You can also start your own meeting around something you want to do.
In my area, there is a meetup for separated / recently divorced. If there's not one in your area, consider posting one.
We all need different things to get us through. I did find solace in better understanding married relationships in general. Anyone here will tell you to read DB and DR. Additionally, I really liked "The 5 Love Languages" and "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" (and I've read a *lot* of relationship books at this point)
For me, it really helped me understand how things went bad, and what I needed to do when things started to come back together. Knowledge is power in that regard. If reading is your thing, those are a good place to start.
--Accuray
Last edited by Virginia; 12/16/1102:25 AM.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
In need of some quick advice. I haven't posted in awhile but have been following many sitchs.
Quick update: My husband and I have not spoken since mid October. He moved back in in Sept and then we made plans to leave our current place but then he backed out last minute. I have relocated but haven't heard from him except via email (business issues) which he initiated. I have moved to a new place and have been in contact with his family...I do not know of his whereabouts as I have officially made myself go dark.
Well, today he finally called. I did not answer and he left a text saying he wanted to see how I was doing and to apologize for his behavior the last time we spoke. He asked perhaps if I could call him when I had time but that he understood if I didn't feel like I could call.
I am wondering how or if I should respond. I want him to think/feel like I am doing just fine as per my sitch I did everything wrong with pleading/begging/negotiating in the past. I don't know if I can get my DB coach on the phone today so I thought I would reach out here. There was no talk of a reconciliation, I miss you, or I love you in the text. At this point though, I still don't know how much I trust his actions.
