new to this..

[workinghardguy]

Reconciling the "detaching" and the "monitoring for progress" is really hard. I talked at length with my DB coach about it today. Best I can explain it is this...

Detaching is about "dropping the rope" and no longer being responsible for your spouse's happiness or unhappiness. It's letting them feel the full effects of life and the consequences (good and bad) of their decisions.

Monitoring for progress is about whether the changes you are implementing are bringing your H closer to you or driving him away. BUT, let's say you make a change and then find that change drives him further away. You get to decide whether to keep that change in place or not.

Let's say, to take something simple and superficial, you always wore a dress but made a change to wearing jeans to try and be less formal and more relaxed. You do this and find that your H reacts negatively and really liked that you were a classy dresser. But you find that you really like the more laid back approach of jeans. You get to decide what to do... while also understanding the consequences. Maybe you go back to being more formal because it doesn't matter that much to you. Maybe it does matter and you stick with the jeans, but then understand you may drive him further away.

Last week I stood up to my wife about how she ignores all three of our kids when she's off socializing. It hurts them and impacts them. They ask where she is, why she doesn't call, etc... Part of my 180 is setting limits and standing up to her.

I don't know yet if it pushed her away or drew her closer. She's been more open and interactive with me since I started standing up for myself. Yet last night she referred to our talk on Sunday as "when you got pissy with me".

At the same time, she called Wednesday when she was out with her friend. And just now she texted me to say she had worked it out to be at S's soccer game tomorrow morning and that she would call our S tonight before bedtime since she's going to a product party.

So part of my detachment is giving up my role of child-soother and peacemaker, and instead letting her feel the full brunt of guilt and responsibility for how she makes her children feel.

I think the fact that she's doing what I asked of her means something... I just wish I could figure out what