Just wanted to journal today. I think that the thing that hurts me the most about my sitch are the comments that my W has made regarding OM and her sex life with him. It bothers me terribly that she has no problem telling me how experienced he is in that department and appears oblivious to my pain. I know she's not in a place for rational thought, but to tell me the things she has seems downright inhuman.
It also hurts me to know that there were several years that went by during which our own sex life was very dismal because of her trauma. The first year, things were great! It felt like it was pretty much half of what we did. We were very, very compatible. Then they went south as soon as things got more serious between us while we were living together. It was while we developed what I think of as a "married" mentality.
It got to the point where my W didn't like sex, even hated it sometimes. She felt bad because she knew that she was neglecting her "wifely duties" to me, but she couldn't help it. Sex brought frightening flashbacks and caused her lots of psychosomatic vaginal pain.
During these years, I was supportive of her above and beyond. I knew that I was more patient about this than most men would have been. I rarely ever complained about the lack of physicality and soothed her when she got upset about "depriving" me. If I did complain, I never, ever blamed her. I knew that it wasn't her fault. It was just something that we would have to work through.
When we got married, I became very frustrated (but not angry) during our honeymoon when she told me that she might never want to have sex ever. I always thought that it was something that we could eventually work through together, but she told me I was foolish to hope for that. I was grappling with the realization that was she was saying might be true: that I had gotten married to someone who might have zero inclination for physicality forever.
Fast-forward to a year ago. Now, my W is suddenly "better" and wants to not only have sex, but to even be "kinky" and "wild". I was certainly okay with that! The only problem was, she didn't seem to want to be this way with me. It was at this time that she complained about me being "hesitant" and "uncomfortable with my sexuality." My libido also felt crazy-low and I sometimes suffered from performance anxiety. Rather than being comforting, my W would be angry and critical, which didn't help at all. I felt loads of shame and frustration. Why was she complaining about my sexual performance when it had never been a problem before? And why couldn't she be supportive of me when it clearly caused me much pain?
I'm fully aware that I'm dealing with a special case here. That I'm dealing with a "nuts-on-top" WAW. Her sexual frustration and hang-ups probably have to do a lot more with her than they do with me. Still, I can't help but feel the wound whenever she brings up the matter. If things were so terrible for us in that department, why couldn't she have been more willing to work through things with me instead of looking somewhere else? Why couldn't she have been as patient with me as I was with her?
I have a theory that she just wasn't attracted to me anymore. It had nothing to do with my physical build or looks; she told me once, "You're so hot and you don't even know it." I think that it had a lot more to do with my perceived "lack of manliness." I complained a lot, cried, hid things from her, and did everything I could to please her. She loved me, but she found it hard to respect or look up to me. I think that this really killed her physical attraction to me.
Of course, given my W's behavior, I can't trust anything she says right now. She could just be justifying things left and right, blaming everything on me in order to avoid looking at her own deficiencies. It just hurts. I've often been uncomfortable with sex. My W was my first and only, and we both had traumatic upbringings in regards to it. This was not the optimal pairing for us to exorcise our demons.
I fear that no matter who I will go on to have an R with next, I will still be uncomfortable and scared about sex. If my W and I ever do possibly decide to recon, how could we restore intimacy? After months of her saying the things that she said, with me knowing everything she did with OM, how could I ever feel comfortable with her again?
Anybody have any advice for me? I'm feeling pretty down about this.
