Trying not to hope is hard

[workinghardguy]

SP... have you read "How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It"? If not, I'd recommend it. I'm not promising it will help save your M (it's really for couples that haven't gotten to where most of us are at) but it may help you deal with your sitch.

This morning I got to the part on compassion and it really clicked with me. I've been viewing so much of this through my own filter. How this is effecting me, what my pain is like, how my life will change, what my friends will think of me. When she doesn't text me all day long I see it as the worse of all things, indifference. And maybe it is indifference, or maybe it's not wanting to dredge up the pain so she avoids me and that includes messages. And I don't believe it is complete indifference because her actions tell me something else. So instead of seeing someone who doesn't care, instead I see someone who is wounded and guarding.

At the same time my W is in pain too. Oh sure she tries not to show it... that would be weakness or I might interpret it as wavering, so she shows me no signs. But I can see her pain. I see that she's shut out her friends who are telling her she's crazy. I see it in her music choices. I see it in her actions.

And so this morning I resolved to try and see this through her eyes. How she ended up here and what she must be going through. I had an hour drive this morning to contemplate this... and it was pretty amazing. It unlocked a whole word of potential understanding. It reframed her friends, why she chooses them, and why they are so critical to her. It reframed why my criticism of them is so hurtful to her.

Has it solved anything? No. But somehow it's given me more peace. I can see that she is in pain, and right now the only way I can help with that pain is to back off and give her space. Live my life the way I want to, and let her live hers.

The other things that's helped me is planning for the potential. I've spent some time this past week looking at rentals in the paper, figuring out money and budgets, and visitation schedules. For me it helps to see that it is all doable, if not enjoyable at first. This doesn't mean I'm leaving or giving up, but at least I know that if I try my hardest and it doesn't work life will go on.

I think today I have been at more peace than any other day since the bomb. I know my wife is hurting and maybe today I just got that the little reach out stuff I can't seem to stop from, even once in a while, is hurting her. I love her unconditionally so hurting her hurts me. So right now the way I show her love is to let go, provide space, and be what she needs me to be. At the same time I will use this opportunity to work on me.

[silveryposter]

Hey SP - I'm not totally familiar with your situation but judging by your date registered, it sounds like this is fairly new to you (September 2, 2011). So, while I share similar sentiments as you, several posters would say to "get a grip". If you are tired now, what are you going to be feeling if this stretches out 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, etc?

That's just when I registered, I lurked for a while. I was on another site before this since about May. Bomb was dropped in January. It's been a long 10 months...

[silveryposter]

This morning I got to the part on compassion and it really clicked with me. I've been viewing so much of this through my own filter. How this is effecting me, what my pain is like, how my life will change, what my friends will think of me. When she doesn't text me all day long I see it as the worse of all things, indifference. And maybe it is indifference, or maybe it's not wanting to dredge up the pain so she avoids me and that includes messages. And I don't believe it is complete indifference because her actions tell me something else. So instead of seeing someone who doesn't care, instead I see someone who is wounded and guarding.

At the same time my W is in pain too. Oh sure she tries not to show it... that would be weakness or I might interpret it as wavering, so she shows me no signs. But I can see her pain. I see that she's shut out her friends who are telling her she's crazy. I see it in her music choices. I see it in her actions.

I understand this, and I truly feel I understand her point of view. I spent the better part of 6 months working on it. I feel for her, and fully realize my role in where we ended up. However, the one thing I do not understand from her point of view is why she has quit and believes that we have no future. The reasons she gave me are either things I can do (which I have, and gone above and beyond) or things I have no control over; namely her defense that I've been mooching off her. I feel that it's what she's telling herself so that she can do this and feel justified, but is contradictory to every other good thing she's talked about regarding our relationship. It's frustrating.

Regardless, I've been in a stasis for two months now, where she has finally appreciated the 180, we have a great day to day, but she still holds onto the ambiguous "still doesn't change how I feel". The reality is, I can't change how she feels, I can only do what I've been doing. It's just getting to the point now where it feels like we are so close to reconciling but are still very far away.

[silveryposter]

Another day, found myself reminding myself not to self destruct. It's something I haven't done in a long time, but I have done before. W got angry at me this morning for losing my iPod. At that point I just kind of entered what we call eff-all mode, and reminded myself that this is one of the many reasons that we have issues. While I certainly had control over losing my iPod, I have no control over her getting angry at me. Therefore, dismissed.

After talking to one of my professors this morning, I found my legs again. I've renewed my determination to make it through as I intended; far greater a person than I was when I started.

[silveryposter]

As previously stated, anniversary is Sunday. Without mentioning it, I asked W if she wanted to go watch football that evening (home team is playing Sunday Night Football) if I could find a babysitter. Her response was, "Meh, maybe if there were a big group. No offense". To which my response was, none taken, and walked away.

She's already working all day, and now doesn't even want to go watch football, which by the way she's a HUGE fan of. Was I wrong for asking? Either way, I'm wondering if she'll be offended if I go out and watch the game without her. I probably shouldn't be concerned in any case. This is just another one of those examples of the title of this thread. When I think I'm not hoping, I find out I am when I am let down. Somewhat difficult to deal with.

[workinghardguy]

Hey SP... Of course the standard response here is that you need to detach And you know that and I know that, but dang if isn't hard right?

It almost makes you feel crazy... like you swear you're not hoping, that you're playing it cool as a cucumber. Then something happens and you feel this huge letdown inside yourself and feel crushed. But you could swear you weren't being hopeful.

So don't beat yourself up... because partly I think every one of us is hopeful. How can we not be? How could we do this every day if we didn't think there was some glimmer of hope?

I mean... I know it's really about self-exploration, self-improvement, and taking your own journey to a better you. At the same time that's a lot of hard work and while certainly worthy of being done it isn't the only reason we're doing it. And certainly not the only reason we're on this board.

So yeah... I'm struggling with the same thing too. I think I've got it handled and then bam! something happens I feel hopeless. Regulating that hopelessness and not letting it consume you is important.

Someone posted in one of the threads today that when they get really down or it gets really hard they imagine a funny picture. I started doing that today and by gosh if it didn't work! I imagined this picture i have of my five year old S in my Air Force flight cap while he's saluting. It's pretty darn cute. I can't help but smile and chuckle every time I see it.

So every time I started getting down today I thought of that. And it did help.

[silveryposter]

So every time I started getting down today I thought of that. And it did help.

Heh, thanks. The imagery should definitely help. Also thanks for identifying with me. It's like you said, when you think you're good, you experience disappointment when you didn't even know you had different/better expectations. It's a process, but damn if it isn't hard!

[silveryposter]

Also, tomorrow is MC. After a long week I think I'm finally ready to ask some hard questions. I'm hoping for feedback on the volatility, hopefully lack thereof, in these questions.

I have one main goal and one secondary hope (not necessarily goal).

1) To take the advice of my IC and simply let her know how I feel in a non-romantic way.

2) To give her some things to think about, perhaps an opportunity for a different frame from which to view things.

So here are my questions. Going to open with trust, since that's what we've been talking about during MC.



"I feel like in order to trust you, I need to understand you and your choices/judgments.

Your compassion for everyone seems to have grown in the past year, except for me. Have you tried to understand what life may have been like for me during the past 5 years? What is your understanding?

Why did you marry me?

I married you because I believed I had found a partner that would stick by me through anything.

I am who I am. I was indecisive when I was younger, but 10 years ago I made a decision and stuck with it. This is different than you; you were decisive when you were young.

What is my idea of the high life?

What does your ideal relationship look like?

How do you think your life will improve by being divorced?"



Unsure about those last 3, probably won't ask them. Feedback is appreciated!

[~ kd ~]

I will only offer this, the counselor will probably lead...

So whatever your vision of how the session might go... understand that it could go any other way BUT the way you envision it...

[2thepoint]

Here are my initial observations:

"I feel like in order to trust you, I need to understand you and your choices/judgments. how about something a little more subtle like - I want to be able to trust you so it would be helpful for me to understand your choices/judgement

Your compassion for everyone seems to have grown in the past year, except for me. Have you tried to understand what life may have been like for me during the past 5 years? What is your understanding? How about a little more affirmation - I admire your growing compassion for others. These past 5 years have been really tough for me, what needs to happen to be able to see some compassion directed towards me?

Why did you marry me? I wouldn't ask this question. Need to be forward looking not in the rear view mirror.

I married you because I believed I had found a partner that would stick by me through anything. This is a woe is me statement. Try to avoid if possible.

I am who I am. I was indecisive when I was younger, but 10 years ago I made a decision and stuck with it. This is different than you; you were decisive when you were young. A little argumentative. What do you hope to get from this?

What is my idea of the high life? Don't know what this means...

What does your ideal relationship look like? How about something more specific like "what would an ideal relationship that includes you and me look like?

How do you think your life will improve by being divorced?" How about something like - Do you think your life will improve after divorce? If so how?

Hope this is helpful. Feel free to disagree, I'm just providing a 2nd set of eyes for you.

Take care!