Life, forgive me but I havent read your whole story. But I have read enough to know that I wanted to tell you a couple of things I learned, if I may.
I know that you want him to know your hurt. Here's the thing. He cant hear you. He is so caught up in his crisis, in his pain and confusion, in his inability to fix what's wrong, that he just plain cant hear you.
You are adding to the pressure he is feeling of being out of control. He is trying to figure out why he is unhappy. He left you - still not happy. He got an ow - still not happy, he drinks - still not happy. So panic continues to set in. The thing is that he needs to figure that all out on his own.
Your job is to get out of the way.
I know that you are angry and hurt. I do. This is tough stuff. The thing is that it is when you work through those feelings and then release them, you get to work on you.
Because if you dont, it will weigh you down. It will sap your energy. Energy better spent on your journey.
When you get stuck on what he says or feels or what he's doing, you stay stuck.
If you believe he is in crisis and if you really love him, the greatest gift you can give him is to detach and let him walk his path.
I always said that the greatest gift of love I gavae my h was to accept that this is something he needed to go through on his own and I let him go. I loved him enough to want him to find peace and happiness.
Life, try real hard to let him go. Leave him to deal with the choices he's made and the demons he is fighting.
When you do that, the need to let him know how hurt or angry you are will begin to decrease. It will not matter to you whether he knows how you feel or not because you will be walking your own path.
The sooner you get detached, the sooner you get to figure out who Life is and who you want to be.
I always say, the sooner you get to the good part. I know it sounds strange to say good part when you are going through all this, but it's true.
When you are focused on yourself and your children, a whole lot of things start to happen. You figure out that while you may want your h, you do not NEED him. You figure out how capable you are and you start to become the person you were meant to be.
Make a bucket list. Things you always wanted to do, a hobby you wanted to try, a place you wanted to visit, a class you wanted to take. Look at people you admire and figure out what it is about them that you respect.
Each day try to be the best person you can be. Some days you make it, some you dont,but let that be your goal.
I promise you that when you start to work on you, the thoughts about worrying if he files or not, if he is with ow or not, if he is flying to the moon or not, will not matter.
