What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[workinghardguy]

THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!

Ok... thanks, I feel a little better But man is it ever... Overall I guess a good day, though very melancholy for me. I already posted about the morning. Rest of the day was spent on a bus as we took a tour of all the different work and project sites my agency has around our service area. The melancholy part came from one stop.

We stopped at a resale store my agency operates. It was at that store, six years ago, that my W called me. She had just finished a routine pre-natal visit and had an ultrasound. During the ultrasound they had found some strange cysts in my son's brain. It was in the dressing room of that resale store where I talked to my W and cried. Then had to endure the long drive back with co-workers who had no idea what was going on. So when we got there today that all came flooding back. Made me think about how we got where we are today and all that. And then I had to again endure a long drive back with co-workers who have no idea what's going on.

For added benefit the bus then went by the wedding store where my W found her "perfect dress" for our wedding. Awesome, thanks for that. And riding around on a bus I had waaay too much time on my hands to sit and ruminate.

Though one thing that occurred to me is that... on that day things looked so dark. A baby with major brain issues and perhaps having to abort or decide about it at least. And here, six years later, our S is a healthy, active, brilliant little man. So yeah... it can sure look dark but it's only darkest in the hour before the dawn.

No comms from my W at all except for a txt msg late asking to grab soda on the way home. I wish I knew why this bothers me more than almost any other aspect of this. Got home and was pretty anxious about what the house would be like, since this morning was good. But tonight was really great. Really it was. It was like old times but better.

My W's nephew was over and the kids all played. I helped my W get dinner finished up and took garbage out to the curb. W and I joked around and talked. She dyed her hair this morning and it looked good so I told her (and noticing that she did it is a 180 for me). That started a conversation about it. Then I told her that her long hair now really looks good on her and made a joke that it makes her look, as our S5 would say..."hot" (it's a joke b/w W and I b/c the S keeps saying that about pretty woman and we'd really like him to stop... he got it from his older brother). Anyway, she got a sheepish smile, blushed, and said thanks. This is a major change in her reaction to physical appearance compliments. Previously she would get angry at any comment from me on her attractiveness.

So why is this so frustrating?? Because then a little later on I'm in the back room gathering up garbage. She's talking on the phone to her friend and doesn't know I'm right there. My W is going to a "naughty party" tomorrow night (if you've never heard of them... think Tupperware party but with dildos and sex toys). Her friend says, "if you and [me] split you're going to need something". My W replies, "I know I better stock up! {laugh}, I intend to win that battle!".

Ok... and then just a little bit ago we were talking about her work. I was asking her how it was going and showing interest. It was a good talk. She's training to be part of the facility's emergency team that can be sent around the country to respond to disasters like Katrina, etc... So she was talking about that and I was telling her I was proud of her for following through. Then she goes and mentions that she needs to put together a Family Care plan and would have to see if either of her sisters could come or... and I interrupt her and say I can certainly be the primary for her plan. If she gets called away for weeks there's no reason I can't step in. Not to mention I don't want her sisters running the house for weeks (I didn't say that part).

This is the frustrating part. You have a really good day, feel like your clicking again, feel upbeat and then wham! you get pulled right back.

I've had to reflect that it was only five days ago when she said we would be split up by June. It's ridiculous to expect that to change in five days. And as far as the talking to her friend... again, her heart won't change in five days. So yeah... be reasonable... I had a good day...

So why then can't I just call today a win and move on? That's the frustrating part