So here is a quick recap of my last month. My H and I have been fighting about non issue stuff for the last few months 4-5. We have a 12 month old son and are working different shifts. After the birth of our son I was diagnosed with RA.It is a cronic joint condition that can be managed but not cured. I also droped my hours at work due to this and our child. WE were experiencing financial stress and maritial stress. He is 26 and I am 25. He is a cop and he has admitted his job has changed him. I think he is going through an early midlife crisis. He bought a motorcycle then sold it after our son was born. Then he wanted another one and I said no. He has been looking into career changes. I've pressured him on this b/c he sid he wanted it too. I have since appologized. Well last month on 9-14-11 he said he was done with the marriage. That he didn't feel the same about me. He aslo said he wished we had waited to have a baby and he didn't want anymore kids. Innitially he said he would "try" but the next day he said it's over and hasn't looked back. Before I found db I tried to reason w/ him, wrote him letters, asked him why, ect but it did no good. In lss than a week he told me, moved out, and contacted a lawyer. He said he would give m what I needed as far as money and custody of our son as l0ng as I didnt drag the divorce out. We signed a seperation agreement already and have split our account. this is SOOOO out of character for him. He dosnt believe things could ever be good again or change. I'm trying to go dark, lrt, but I dont think its working.I'm also taking steps to improve myself like working out (lost 20 lbs) fininancial peace class, and ic. Sometimes i think he might be having second thoughts b/c he looked sad at our sons b day party wich was last week. he left w/o saying good bye to anyone. nobody. and that party was his idea. and he has gone from bullying me on the phone and through text to being kinda nice but has not waivered in the divorce. 33 days till final. What should i do. This wholethin has gone down in less than 2 months!!! Help
TMC25 sorry you find yourself here. But this is a great place to be to deal with abad sitch. Post often so that the experienced DBers can advice you. At 1st you will be moderated sO your posts will.not show right away. So post often and give details about your Stich. Did you buy the DR books you musT ASaP. Stop Persuing him or R talk. I can't post the 37 rules as I'm typing from a phone will do tOmorrow . Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
TMC, happy you find yourself here, sorry for the reason...
Nothing is over until it is over and you have a son with this man so no matter what, your lives are entwined until your end of days...
If you want to look at it this way, you have your entire life to DB... and maybe he'll change his mind... but you may eventually move on to someone new...
So great you are starting to do the work and there are no magic pills... do the work, which is work on you, become the better person you can be and if it doesn't help him realize he'd be a fool to leave you, then you will be a better person and there's no loss in that...
As for your H - I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but prepare yourself for the possibility that he may have had an affair (police officers have lOTS of opportunity due to their hours). This doesn't change anything about your approach - you still need to work on yourself, focus on being happy and productive (love that you're doing FPU btw), be the woman he fell in love with and will want to come home to. He may just have become overwhelmed with his job stress, your illness, and new baby (doesn't justify it if I am right, but does explain it).
I think there is a strong possibility he has had an affair or an EA. He is not that kind of person and I think he feels extremely guilty about this whole thing. We bumped into each other at the gym and he couldn't even look at me and left very quickly after.
So here is another twist in the puzzel. Two years ago my H's grandfather died who he was super close to and raised him. After his death he wanted to move into their house (it's huge) and live there with his grandma. He had promised he papa that he would take care of her. I agreed and we have lived here for two years and brought our son into the world here. But now he has left and he kinda expects me to continue living here. I told him that I wouldn't be here forever but he knows I can't move right away. I LOVE his family and they love me too. Everybody is shocked by this and they say he is confused, acting too quickly, and making mistakes. My question is what is the right thing to do; move or stay? Should I stay and continue db here in hopes tht he will return or move and show him I can be independent? I feel like if I stay then my chances might be better b/c he will see me more and it is also better for me financially but I also need to be independent and prove to myself and him that I can do this on my own. I think that would make him rethink things if he couldnt just come over whenever he chose and I think it makes this too easy for him me being here, b/c he knows where i am and that i'm not bringing anyone elese home. Thoughts?
Glad you said it kml. I wanted to tell her that the A was a major possibility given his profession and the opportunity it provides. Badge bunnies are everywhere and they are predatory. Trust me, what she explained about his moods and behavior sounded identical to what my xh did. Cops have patterns that permeate the profession.
First, don't snoop. They are masters at hiding their activities anyway and it will only make you feel more desperate.
Second, although you are facing some physical challenges due the the RA, keep up the workouts. It is very helpful in clearing the mind.
Third, find a C that supports M, not one that will support you right into a D. That is hard to do, most just want to help you through your emotional struggle but not help you make positive changes toward saving a M.
Fourth, it's fall. Plan some fun activities with your son. Even at 12 months old they have fun picking out pumpkins (great color), apple orchards, festivals. It's a wonderful time of year to get out and do things together. Don't bother telling H what you are doing, trust me he doesn't want to know, but the activity will only serve to make you feel better and help on the road to GAL.
You are in a long haul. DBing is never over even if they come home. Even after D it is possible to come back together. I won't post it all here but I'm in the situation right now. Long, long story. Just know that we are all here to help, support, cry with you, whatever you need. This is a place of understanding.
Keep posting. Like it was said above, you will be moderated for a while until you get more posts under your belt so they won't show up immediately. Also, read other's posts and post to them. It will help people find you so they can help too.
Hugs!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I need some advice on this. I dont know what to do. My h is pleasant around me but indifferent. He dosnt want to spend ANY time near me. As soon as I get home he leaves. Im not reaching out to him in any way and avoid him as well. It hurts so much b/c we speak to each other civilly and i still love him but i cant show him. I have no clue what is going on or how he feels or anything. What can I do???
Mishka, thanks for the advice. I feel so lost. What happened with your cop h? Did you ever work it out? I feel like the situation is hopeless. He dosnt react to me not contacting him or my weight loss or anything. He has an amazing ability to "shut things off". I want him to know how sorry i am for the mistakes i made and that things really could be different between us. i dont want to push him further away though. what can i do? I really need some advice someone please answer our 4 year anaversery is in 6 days as well. he told me about a month and a half ago that we would celebrate it this weekend b/c he would be out of town for work on the actual date. how could he change his mind so fast? He commented to me a few days ago that next year when the renters are out of the house we should "renegoiate" how much he's paying me for child care + child support because he wont be able to live. He's just now figuring out how expensive this will be. Who divorces someone without tninking about that? He is normal when we speak not angry or weir or anything. He is so confusing. i need some insight please anyone who has been in my shoes
