I have read elsewhere on the forums of darkness not being an off/on switch but more of a dimmer. It can be adjusted according to the situation. This has been helpful.
Yesterday, I prayed a lot. However, much of it wasn't "good" or "healthy" prayer; it was really just ruminating out loud. It wasn't getting me anywhere except further down the spiral. I was only focusing more on my W and blowing things up in my mind.
So there came a point when I finally surrendered and gave things over to God. I told Him, "I just can't afford to spend so much time thinking about this anymore. It's driving me crazy. Please take all this from my hands and do what's right. I may not like what happens, but I will adjust."
It felt freeing. The trick will be keeping it up. My rumination and over-thinking developed out of a fear of losing control over my W. Before I met her, I was a pretty relaxed guy. After we started going steady, however, my "bad thoughts" emerged. Every single one threatened to destroy my R with my W!
It makes sense. She was the first thing to come into my life who I loved more than myself. She quickly became more important than anything else in my universe. So when she did all this, it destroyed my universe. An unhealthy view, I know. Must change my perception.
Last night, I watched a goofy and odd Coen Brothers movie called "A Serious Man" which seemed to reinforce everything I've been struggling with over this span of time. Basically, it's about a Jewish man who goes through a Job-like experience of losing everything that's important to him. He sees a couple of different rabbis in an attempt to figure out the Big Why, but no one seems to be able to give him a satisfactory answer.
"Why does he make us feel the questions if he's not going to give us any answers?" "He hasn't told me."
It helped me submit to the notion that my life does not always run according to my plans. It runs according to His. I've also remembered Viktor Frankl's message in "Man's Search for Meaning": the best that I can do is search for the meaning in my suffering, then learn from it as best I can. It may not be easy, but by God, I will learn.
