Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[cat04]

I feel like I was trying to make him hear/see how insane he sounds/is. "I don't want a d but, I will continue living with OW."

This was not about YOUR pain but HIS actions...

Have you not learned yet that there is little that you can say or do that is going to "wake him up" and get him to return?

Not even filing...

You think that these big things or dramatic things are gonna do it...

Truth is, it won't be something big more than likely. It may not even have anything to do with you or your children.

He could watch a news clip tomorrow about health care changes and THAT could be what does it, or not...

That is the cold reality of the insanity of MLC...

What seems logical is illogical...

I did it cause it makes me feel better. Even for 10 seconds. I get to say my peace.

This is not serving your goal of reconciliation OR more importantly, your goal of healing...

The time will come when you can actually speak about your feelings regarding the entire situation...

That time isn't now...

He isn't able to hear it, and you are still too stuck in hurt and anger to adequately express what you are really feeling.

Life,

If you don't heal and grow and change, it won't make any difference if he comes home or not...

Or if you meet someone new or not...

You will always have relationship problems...

This isn't about you needing a man who doesn't drink or one who communicates better...

This isn't even about his MLC anymore...

This is about YOU, how you interact with people, how you interact with YOURSELF...

Sweetie, I haven't posted to you for a while, and I went back and read all of your posts in this thread...

You have called yourself and your actions pathetic, dumb, a loser...

You are none of those things.

Uncontrolled and impulsive...yes...

Impatient and frustrated...definately...

Still hoping that he is gonna wake up and rescue you from this nightmare...I think so...

Life, it's time to become your own Hero. Your own Knight In Shining Armor.

Find your power and use it to thrive, instead of giving it away to anyone who comes along...

I read you, and honestly, you remind me of a me from so long ago...

A me that developed over years. One that sucked at communication. One that went with the flow and held grudges and really never forgave anyone.

I wasn't always like this. I had to go through a lot of stuff, a long way back in my life, to uncover the things that added layer and layer to those bad behaviors, to get to the foundation of why I felt dumb, pathetic, weak, and powerless...

I had to stop making excuses for myself and my behavior.

I had to learn about MLC, the monster, not the specific man that was my H...

Then I had to learn about forgivness and unconditional love and how I defined those things...

I had to decide who I wanted to be, what I wanted to show to the world (and I needed to live it because otherwise, it was just another mask)...

It didn't happen overnight...

It started probably right around the 6 month mark for me...

It started because I made the decision that my H could dangle a thousand bones over my head, and it didn't matter anymore...

I needed to fix ME, before I could even consider fixing my M (although it was still the goal at the time), and I hoped and prayed everyday that he would use the time to fix himself, but I couldn't worry about that too much, I had WAY too much stuff of my own to deal with...

I didn't know where I was going to end up, and I was scared to death, but I knew that I couldn't stay where I was any longer...

It was time. Regardless of where my M ended up, it was time...

Time to stop talking and walk the walk...

Is it time for you?

Don't worry about the D process, reconciliation can happen with or without D papers...

Are you ready to get off the rollercoaster yet?

Are you ready to stop feeling like crap?

Are you ready to decide it is time that you love yourself first?

Are YOU worth at least giving it a shot?

I bet your children would answer yes to that question...

I promise it won't be easy. I promise there will be days you will want to quit.

I promise that you won't be alone. There are wonderful people here, who have walked similar paths...

Who will be here, every step of the way with you...

And I promise, what is on the other side, is worth all of the work...