Good morning all, Had my first session with db coaching yesterday. Good experience. Wasnt sure if coaching would even be useful at my stage i.e. s leaving tomorrow, but the coach said its really not unusual for her to be working with people who are either already divorced or have already filed.
The really positive thing that I got out of the session was that I felt like I at least walked away with a strategy, a framework to work with.
She told me that there are 4 stages in a sitch like mine. I am in stage one, where, basically I have to let the dust settle and basically do no harm. Leave on a good not, do not pursue, and tell the sp that she has given me an opportunity to do some real soul searching, that I get what she has been trying to tell me, i.e. r was no longer fun, lacked passion etc, and I realize that she is under no obligation to work on our r.
I will be saying my final farewells to my wife tonight, and then will be leaving to stay at SIL until she leaves tomorrow. She told me this morning that she knows she must leave in order for me to begin healing, that we will still be in contact, and that we will still be friends.
I agree with the coach, must let dust settle. I told coach that I was going to tell s when I said goodbye that I hope she found what she was searching for, she said do not say this, it sounds too final.
As I began to describe my sitch, she quickly picked up on it and began to ask me specific questions that honed in on the crux of our problems. She said she has heard maybe 7000 stories over the years and they tend to follow a similar script.
So, she believes my s is in escape mode, is returning home to relive old fantasies, and very interestingly, she said emotionally, s is still 15 years old(which is the age when her stepfather started to abuse her). She is acting in a very adolescent way and is in a crisis situation.
Well, just wanted to bring things up to date. Thanks again all for your encouragement, esp the suggestion about trying the coach, I did feel better after talking to her, and have my second session in about 9 days. Good day to all!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Haven't commented on your sitch but I have been reading, especially since you & I are close in age compared to many others here.
This jumped out at me:
"So, she believes my s is in escape mode, is returning home to relive old fantasies, and very interestingly, she said emotionally, s is still 15 years old(which is the age when her stepfather started to abuse her). She is acting in a very adolescent way and is in a crisis situation."
My W reconnected with an old HS boyfriend through Facebook about a year ago. Had an EA, Dropped the bomb in March, moved out in August and invited him and his mother to move 1700 miles across the country and in with her.
Her HS relationship with him occurred at the same time she was abandoned by her mother and stepfather.
Like your W, my W is still an emotional teenager, and seems to be trying to relive old fantasies. I became the boring predictable husband; the OM is new and exciting.
You and I, and so many other husbands and wives on this forum, became complacent and probably took our spouses and marriages for granted. Honesty and open communication from, and with, our spouses might have defused our situations, but really, who knows?
Keep looking forward.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Hey Rick, Good morning, how is your day going? At least the sun is out, much better than yesterday. Was thinking about your sitch. You know, I'm thinking that as long as your s is still talking/communicating with you, you are still in the ballgame.
You are doing everything you can to help your m, keep it up. Talk to you soon, Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Hello Telemark, Thanks for poppin in. I have read some of your sitch, among the many others on this board. After a while, there are so many similarities that I start to lose track. I'm sure you have been told this before, but I am sorry to see you on this board, but we have come to a good place as far as getting good advice.
I hadnt really thought about the emotional aspect of being frozen emotionally at the age of trauma, but it makes complete sense. I have worked in the addictions field in the past, and it is not uncommon for addicts to remain emotionally stunted to the age when they first used, but I did not make the connection about emotional trauma. You are right, no doubt on many occasions I took my sp for granted. I am hoping to god that at some point in the future i get the chance to make this up to her.
I will continue to read up on your sitch, If i can ask what is the latest? Thank you again for your comments , and hang in there Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Thanks, Gunny, I appreciate you asking. W continues to live with OM and his mother. She continues to act like it's all just wonderful. I am living alone in the house, which at times is very depressing but I'm getting past that. Nothing has been filed, the D word has not been mentioned in weeks and I wonder why I am still aching for the woman who hurt me and my kids more than anyone ever has.
I might dig deeper into that on my thread.
I assume from your username you are retired USMC. Thank you for your service. One of my biggest regrets is that I did not enlist when I was young and clueless. Now I'm old and clueless and wish I had.
Stay strong.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Good morning AC, I asked the coach about the next 3 stages, she said she did not want to get into them right now, wanted me to concentrate on the first stage, i.e. letting the dust settle. She said she is the expert, to listen to her and initially said that during this stage, she did not want me to go on this board, for the next month. I told her that would be very difficult, since I felt that reading and interacting on the board was really helping me cope with my sitch. She then modified her response and told me to lessen my interaction.
Her reason for instructing me to interact less was because she said her philospohy on going dark or dim was different from many of the people on the board, she believes that if s makes initial contact thete is nothing wrong with maintaining contact on a friendly level for as long or as often as it feels comfortable, although you still want to control the tempo and lenghth hof the conv.
Fom my reading of your sitch, and the type of guy you are, this probably comports pretty well with your philospohy/personality. I think you and I are similar in our approaches, i.e. maintain friendly cordial relations. How is your sps trip home going?
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
hey Telemark, Thanks for kind words. Yes, 22 yrs usmc retired 2004. Thank you telemark.
I know what you mean about the house, pretty soon I will be dealing with that feeling, I am trying to steel myself for it, truthfully, i am at the point where I just want it to happen, the anticipation has been very difficult.
Thank you for checking in. By the way, i have a cabin up in tioga county, anywhere near you?
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
