We were driving back from town and I was quiet and in my head. Then our song came on the radio. Which was so eerie because our song never comes on the radio. I thought I was going to come unglued, riding there next to him. He was quiet... but didn't change the station. As the song went on ... I felt the tears coming, and I felt my throat choking and closing on me. I did every thing I could to fight back the tears because... I didn't want to ruin a good evening AND tears would have initiated another R talk.
As we got closer to home, he looked over at me and said "Are you alright?" and I just nodded yes. Then he insisted.. "Are you sure? Are you OK?" and I said, "Yeah" but it came out a little broken.
We got home and I went inside to splash water on my face. When I came out he was right there.... and so I headed for the laundry room to fold clothes. I just did not want to have an R talk.
Later on he caught up with me in the bedroom and he said, "I don't want you to worry." and I told him I was OK and not worried.
And then he said, "Don't worry, because I'm not leaving".
I just about lost it .... but I didn't.
What I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and jump for joy. I didn't. I just stayed calm.... because... you know, believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do.
He watched my expression and I just said, "I'm so happy to hear this.. I'm really happy you're choosing to stay".
His eyes looked a little different, and he said, "Well, I just don't want you to worry about that". He hugged me.. then he changed the subject and we talked about school and how he had a few days left at his job.
I don't know what to think about his announcement, but, I'm wary and I'm going to be cautious. This is the first time he has told me since July 3 that he's not leaving me. Everything up until now has been about him wanting to go.
I don't know what changed inside of him and I didn't want to ask. I figured asking would go into an R talk...
I'm not hopeful about this at all. I have a big pit in my stomach because I'm still worried he will end up leaving anyway.
If what he says is true, then great. But I don't know what the future holds and so that scares me.
I guess what I do now is, continue with my changes... being calm, not engaging in R talks.. keep doing what I'm doing?
Wow! That's big news, wouldn't we all love to hear that! Your attitude and ability to stay calm were amazing.
No matter what he says, you still can work on changes this situation opened your eyes to. Either it was a pointless nightmare or it was an opportunity to create a better marriage than before.
Feel good about the positives - and this was a positive, for sure!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I should feel good, right? But I feel scared. I want what he said to be true, but after witnessing almost 3 1/2 months of mlc behavior...and listening to some seriously painful things over and over....i just dont know. I'm a little freaked out.
I still sense his wall he has up inside of him.
The other day he told me...he doesnt want to give up on himself and the things that he wants and that if he stayed with me...that meant giving up on himself.
So i sit here wondering what has transpired in him to decide to tell me he is not leaving. I love him and i dont want him giving up on himself either.
This is so confusing, but when he is home from work tonight i will not be asking him these questions.
I hope some of the MLC vets can come here to help with those questions. How do you know when you've turned the corner and it's time to start piecing your M back together?
I'm going to guess that the formula works both ways, time + consistency = change you can trust. So keep working on you, do things that take your mind off what's in his head, be someone he'd be a fool to leave, and wait. You already know that R talks don't work for you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
CTflor, sounds like good news to me. True, its is hard to really believe in what the MLC'er says, but in your case, it seems like your H is quite consistent.
Its true though that staying in the M and making it work does not necessarily go hand in hand. In my case, my H is still fighting the feeling of wanting to be free as well, but he has told me he is staying, because for one, he knows that he cannot just throw away his life with us, his family, everything that he ever valued in the past. I believe his values, his beliefs, his sense of obligation is making him stay. As for his feelings, it is still zilch, we don't even ML, and he actually feels so hopeless in that sense, verbalizing to me that he does not know how he, or actually we, can stand being in this situation forever. This is the part where I think that DBing will come in -working on making myself the woman he fell for. Otherwaise, I am just glad in a way that he is still here, but on the other hand, wonder if the sitch would resolve itself faster if he left....
There are many corners in this kind of sitch..... it does not mean to say that they turn a corner and then everything falls into place.
Piecing officially starts when both parties have agreed to make it work, to work hard for the M, to try to restore it.
For me, I think it is better to wait for him to take the lead on piecing, in the meanwhile keep on DBing and act as if.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I'm not sure if h and i move on to piecing now...because even though he told me he is staying, i still feel the wall, the off and on distance, and just that overall feeling i have had since bd.
I cant seem to feel happy, when this was actually all i wanted! Thoughts of his actions with ow come flooding back and i feel sadness.
I'm realizing i cant have any expectations of h, or any of this.
Im still afraid that he could change his mind...meet another woman again...that something will happen. I hate feeling this way.
One day at a time, right?
Advina, thats the plan. I'm staying calm andon an even keel with h, and letting everything out when he is gone....and try to not go into r talks.
Angel...thats what i'm also trying to do...become a woman only a fool would leave. I'm trying to make inner and outer changes.
thats what i'm also trying to do...become a woman only a fool would leave. I'm trying to make inner and outer changes.
CT,
That sounds great but all I can say is NO NO NO! That is not the point. Not the point at all. You do not and should not DO or BECOME anything because it will help you keep your man. You make changes and grow because it is what will help YOU in life. I know you probably didn't quite mean it how it sounds, but it's an important point and one that I see overlooked WAY too often. Take your H out of this whole thing completely. Hard to do, I realize, since he's still around. But he's still VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY broken. Very (did I mention that part?). You can't heal a marriage with a broken person. Forget it. Forget about your R. Forget about your marriage. Right now, you concentrate on YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. I realize you still have to interact with H and all and it should be done with courtesy and patience as you've been trying to do. But you need to look within and work on the changes that you need to make FOR YOU. Any changes you make FOR someone else are not genuine and the changes will not last. You are still in a marriage and you're still under the same roof, but in essence (and you know this), you are very alone. Use that time to look within and make YOURSELF better because it's what YOU want. You can't help your H make it through his journey. But you CAN be an example of someone who works out their own chit and comes out better and stronger on the other end. If he wakes up, he will notice. But even if he doesn't, you will be a winner either way.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I get what you are saying Alb, and you're right...i need to make these changes for me...and no one else. I know he is broken...and i know i cant fix him..but i dont know how to forget about our m or our r when i want to save both. Maybe i'm not totally getting it. I want to save myself too.
I know that i'm a contributing factor in my m problems...and h has told me i have things i need to change.
Last night when i came to bed, h asked me if i was ok...and if i wanted to talk. I told him i was good...but could we talk another time. Well...he's picking up on my avoidance of r talks...cause he said he noticed i didnt talk as much lately. I told him that i was feeling pretty good and that if he needed me to listen i would.
So he repeated himself again...and told me he was going to stay with me. And i said..."is that a decision that feels right in your heart?" And he said yes...but that he felt we still needed counseling. And i just nodded. Then we just laid there and he was quiet for awhile...and before he fell asleep he made a comment that he was "coming back to me in his heart...but only a little bit right now". Then he opened his eyes and looked at me as if he were waiting for a response...so i said..."this makes me really happy..." and he said..."i never left you to begin with"
I said nothing to this...and we fell asleep. Part of me wanted to say...yes you did leave...your physical body was here but not your heart and mind. I'm not going to call him out on the comment..but i find it interesting how he feels he never left me.
Since he felt a need to mention it two times to me that he is staying...i wonder if his decision has been truly made. I want to watch his actions at this point and fo from there. It almost seems like some small change in him happened last night hut i could be wrong and its just more mlc talk.
Today...it is his day off, and to his surprise, i will be gone all day with my friend in town shopping with her and doing girl stuff. When he found out i was to be away he seemed like he was not happy about it. He then asked if i'll be back to watch the world series with him...and seemed happy again when i said i would.
In the days before bd, i would never plan things on his day off so we could be together...but i want him to see i can gal...that i am not going to cling to him...and that i can do things without him and his help. These are changes that are small but i think he is seeing them. It is interesting how now, after weeks of his head being in the clouds he is slowly seeing things.
Hi CTflor - glad to hear how things are going for you. Must be so confusing and yet still it sounds like it's going in the right direction. I just last night got to the part in the DR book about LRT and how to act when they start coming around. Of course the book's at home but someone else here will know.
I would hazard a guess that you are doing great with being mysterious - he's wondering what you're thinking. But you may be so detached that you might not be praising the positives as much as you might. Perhaps you could tell him that you're happy that he's telling you how he's feeling (right now), I guess you did say that. Maybe tell him you appreciated getting to watch the game with him. Or keep doing what you're doing, it seems to be working!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
