Sat morning d3 woke us up she dragged H out of bed to put her kiddy programmes on and told him she was hungry. He put tv on and came back to bed so i went to fix her breakfast.
After giving her breakfast i asked H nicely if he wanted anything, he asked me if i was making it which i thought was a silly question as i would hardly ask him if he wanted anything to then tell him to go make it himself (but i see now that this is something he would do) i told him i would make it thats why i'm asking if he wanted anything, he then replied that he wanted the works he wanted a full english breakfast and wanted everything, i'm not sure f he was trying to wind me up but i just said okay and went to make him 'the works'.
Moments later he shouted to me he wanted pancakes now i'm not cook and find making pancakes tricky i said back okay, he shouted back did i hear him, i said back yes u would like pancakes, all the while thinking and saying to myself, just keep the peace just keep the peace, i repeating it like a mantra. A few moments later he shouted don't bother doing the pancakes, i said back okay.
A few moments later H comes into the kitchen raging at me that if i didnt want to make the breakfast i didnt have to and that i must stop slamming the doors at this point i had a pot in my hand stirring the beans and was singing along to one of the programmes our d3 was watching, i looked at him in astonishment and shock he looked at me and went off back to the bedroom, i then found myself carefully opeing any doors and drwaers as to not antagonise him any further (but for the record i had not been slamming any doors in the first place i was happily singing along to the programmes).
I finished cooking his breakfast and brought it to him in bed he was all curled up in bed watching tv and told me to just put the food down, whcih i did and went ot get his drink and put that next to his food.
I then went to put the washing machine on, tidy the kitchen and get my own breakfast, i then thought to further keep the peace i will eat my breakfast in the bedroom with him and d3 joined us at this point H was eating his breakfast. Once i had finshed i took the plates asked him if he had finshed his drink and went to wash the dishes and do rest of houeswork.
I woke H up when it was tme for him to get ready to go to work, i was feeling tired now so went back to bed, H popped his head round the door and said see u later i said bye and d3 gave him cuddles.
5 min later H comes storming back in shouting at me that im lying on his phone why have i got his phone i feeling shocked and stunned yet again got up and looked and i wasnt lying on anything he then dragged the bed sheet off me to look for his phone, it turns out it was on his bedside table he told me to give it him which i did him of course snatching it out of my hand and throwing the bed sheets on the floor and left again.
I picked the sheets off the floor and went back to bed still repeating to myself keep the peace keep the peace. About 10 mins later i get a text message from my H saying 'don't bother coming down to his flat next week until i sort myself out' i was absolutely stunned by this and it instantly brought me to tears, it lit a fire in me and i got me and d3 dressed grabbed a few clothes and promptly left to return to the house in the other city.
I had to see this man for what he is which is a manipulative controlling narcisitic bully. The manuipulation part comes in as i had see one of his friends earlier in the week who told me that he had been ivited by my H to spend a few days with him at the flat the next week, so i knew that at some point my H was going to make some excuse as to why i should not come down the next week and there it unfolded he was spoiling for a fight so that he could ban me from coming down whilst he had guest in OUR flat, i cooked and cleaned, i paid the bills, sorted out whatever was needed to be done, i was the one who travelled endlessly for 3 days straight travelling back and forth between the citites to find the flat, i paid the bills and here i was being banned from the flat because it suited him. Instantly with his track record if he had invited his friend to come to the flat withour my knowledge who else was he inviting and again in the future i would be banished again to suit his selfish narccistic needs, this is no midlife crisis nor troubled childhood this is pure shelfish narcissism.
When H got home later that night to find me and d3 were not there (we werent due to leave for another 2 days) H text me saying 'Ok see u went home, thanks for saying goodbye love u too' to which i did not reply i seriously think he has a problem as how can he seriously of thought i would stay another 2 days after he has banned me from coming the next week??
The past few days he has been sending me texts saying 'u not going to say anything' then saying 'i see u like to play games well u will find out what happens in the end' then saying 'i need ur help' then saying 'hi d3 love u miss u loads' at this point some 4 days later he had pulled at my heart string and not wanting to keep d3 totally away from him i let her phone him, they spoke briefly then he immediately text me saying 'good to see i can still speak to my own child' i at this point am still not replying to him.
Since then evry morning and evening he has been texting d3 saying 'daddy loves u' 'daddy misses u' etc... i nor d3 (who couldnt anyway) have not replied nor phoned as i see now that this is still more of his manipulation and controllloing tactics.
I have been read and re-read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft which has scarily explained so much. I was one of those women who constantly said something is wrong with this relationship but not knowing what it was made me feel like i was crazy and that i was the problem but now i see this relationship was very abusive.
I'm still not replying to anything he says until he at least aknowledges me in that i am a real person, until now he still hasnt asked why i left, if were even okay, if we need anything, me and d3 are sleeping on half a sofa and luckly have a fridge and cooker but nothing else, he has everything else the house is empty except for old trashy things to throw away of no everyday use and he does not seem to care.
But the way i feel is that i would not care if we had no house running away and keeping as far away from him as possible is all i can think to do right now. I tried to save this relationship for so long i put all my energy and strength into it, i gave and gave until i had no more to give and it was either give in and do whatever he says or use whats left to save me and d3, which i did and i am still doing.
I now see the elephant in the room and the elephant sees me the elephant is looking straight at me and i can no longer act as if i have never seen him.
I guess not all marriages/relationships can be saved.
