Why do I use so many ?, I don't know, probably because I don't know whats going on , and I don't know the answers to a lot of things.
Firstly I think you are totally correct, AA, and the 12 steps are alot more than just drinking, its about finding inner peace and being a better, more caring person. That was a surprise to me at first, I thought it was just about the drink. I do have to try to implement the steps better in me, and not just give up the drink.
The changes I can see in me, along with the drink, I'm a much much better parent than I ever was, I took things for granted, and although I loved my kids, I didn't really know them, especially my daughter, we did not get on at all. But the big change is my realtionship with them, we are not only parent and siblings, we are now best friends. My wife has commented on it, but also highlights that unless she hadn't left, this would not have happened, she is correct.
I am also a better co-parent, if that makes sense. My wife did everything to do with the kids, school, etc.
I now do loads, I attend things at school, I take them to school, something I never did, I pick them up from school, I cook for them, I help with homework. Again I would not be doing these things unless she left.
I just went to work, and came home, drank, fell asleep. That was more life!
So I do appreciate what I have now, and again this would not have happened until she left.
I know this may not have come across very well, but my wife and I get on quite well really.
I admit I have not handled the OM very well at all, I know that, and I've told her that and apologised.
Take last night for instance, I had the kids, we went out for dinner, etc, it was great. Wife called 2-3 times, to speak to the kids, and spent around 15minutes talking to me about various things, all really nice.
I didn't mention "us" or anything and it was great.
I really needed you to tell me as it is 25, I really did
I need to get back to how we were getting before I found out about OM
I am starting to feel a load calmer inside for some reason.
I don't actually know why either, but there seems to be an acceptance inside me that I need to live day to day and not worry about the future, I have always been a worrier
The decision on the house was made by me, and was totally about the kids well being. Yes, I ran it past my solicitor, if I was making a huge mistake, I would have looked at alternatives, but it was always about the kids.
When I said I don't deserve anything, I meant I didn't deserve my wife or kids after what put them through, having to see me drinking every day. She has told me that I don't understand how hard it was for her watching the man she loved killing himself infront of her, that really struck home.
When we first split, I went to the doctors, she was telling my moods, etc where a problem.
The doctor gave me anti-deppressant, he asked about the drinking, but I don't think I was totally honest with him.
I was on these for a long time, I felt a little better, but nothing more.
I was still drinking, I had cut down, but was still drinking every night.
My wife mentioned the drinking again, long term damage, etc.
I went back to the doctors, got my liver checked out, everything is fine, I told her she was over reacting, carried on drinking.
Then around July I had a few really heavy sessions, I woke up shaking, I had never done that before. I took a week off work, and basically did'nt leave the apartment, my wife thought I was working away still. I drank water and nothing else I looked inside myself and did a lot of thinking, it was then that I accepted I was an alcoholic
I wrote my wife a letter, telling her I was sorry for the past, but I now knew what I was, I didn't need AD, I was an alcoholic, something she had been telling me for 2 years, but I never accepted.
We spoke about it when I told her and she has been great with me on it, very supportive and shows genuine interest.
But, as we have grown close as I have accepted it, and worked on it, I have pushed her to be close, something that she is not ready for, and which I understand.
This is where I am in my life.
Thanks 25, you have spoken with such directness, and meaning that it feels like I know what I need to do in the future.
