Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

25, kml & InAPickle - thanks again for your input. It is so nice to get feedback and advice from others. Like I said before, what I usually hear lately comes from all well-intentioned friends and relatives that think I should just give up on my marriage and move on without H.


25 - Thank you for pointing out how pointless it is to ponder about H and OWs current happiness. It resonated with me - IT'S ABOUT CREATING MY OWN HAPPINESS. And I feel like I am slowly putting it in practice in some areas of my life. It is very hard not to think about H and OW, but I am getting better and that is the key to letting go of my anger, since that is the one trigger that makes me lose it with H sometimes...

I have been rather depressed for a couple of months now (maybe post-partum?). I realize it when reading my latest entries and journal. So what to do about it? List the positives and keep them coming. So here I go:

- When H left, I think I first was completely paralyzed and broken down. I could not carry conversations or function in any way. Close friends and relatives said I was devastated and I can now see why. But little by little my emotional state of mind has improved. Granted - there are still many, many moments where I am sad and overwhelmed with emotion by my own situation, but I at least now I have MOMENTS where I not only don't think of H, but actually enjoy some aspects of my life.

I find that I am not only once again enjoying being with my children, but I have a whole new appreciation for them and I make sure to express my love to them all the time. I am also trying to let go more and have more fun with them. I still go thru very tough moments and I still sometimes find myself trying to hide tears and sadness in front of them, but things are definitely improving.

I also find that the stop sign technique is helpful when thinking either of OW or remembering happier times with H or thinking about the imminent D.
Another perspective that has helped me is to view my situation differently. I am NOT giving up on my M or R with my H. BUT, I am putting it ASIDE for now. It is now going to the back burner, while I work on MY R with MYSELF. So I am focusing on the list of things I need to work on, and not worry too much about going dim, dark, be a friend, etc. I am simply being friendly when H is around and that is it... The focus is on me, and I have A LOT to figure out and take care of in the near future.

First, I need to take care of the administrative stuff.
I have to trade in my car for a minivan. It turns out that three car seats don't fit in my car and it's just not safe for the kids, should I end up in an accident. And we are out of money. So I will be getting a used minivan that can last me for at least 5 years (when my credit history hopefully bounces back after the short sale of our town home).

I also have to fire our nanny. I am dreading this so much... (One of the reasons I have not taken any managerial position in my career has been this - I don't want to have to fire anyone - I just feel terrible about it.) And now I need to do so to the person that has helped me care for my girls for almost 4 years, since my first born was 3 months!
But we just cannot afford her while I don't work and we are currently paying an arm and a leg for pre-school as well. I will have to talk to her this Friday... (I have procrastinated for almost a month now, and it's costing us money that we don;t have anymore...)
I don't know why it's so hard.

Then I have to concentrate on finding a job. A new job - something I can do from 9 - 3pm, so I can spend afternoons / evenings with my kids. The 12-hr days are over for me (and therefore my career in the entertainment industry). And i am ok with it. (Although I know H won't like it at all...Oh well - too bad for him.) Ironically, for years, my work schedule was a problem in our marriage and now that I am cutting back, he is not happy because I will make A LOT LESS money. He should be happy that I am spending more time with OUR kids, since he is not. Life is crazy sometimes...

I have talked to my cousin and she will help me with the little one when I get back to work, and I will pay her, although less than our current nanny.

And once I get a new job and figure out how much $ I will actually make, it will become apparent very quickly if H and I be able to keep our house as business partners - the one we bought almost a year ago - the one where we would raise our kids and grow old together...

And speaking of house and money - I did talk to a lawyer about 3 weeks ago. It was a 1-hr. consultation (paid). By the time we went over my situation, we only had time left to run some numbers. He ran three scenarios for me of how much H would need to give me monthly if a) I didn't go back to work, b) If I went back to work and made 50% of what I used to c) If I earn what I used to (which won't happen once I reduce my hours).

The numbers are very high and H will be (or most likely is already) in shock. I know him and I am sure he already consulted a L himself, although he has not said so to me. That is probably why he is so intent on me going back to work asap. I think he thought I would go back to my previous job, but I was clear with him last week that I would be cutting my hours drastically and probably even changing careers, and that it will take me some time to find the right job that fits all my criteria.

Anyways, after the L ran the numbers, he suggested that maybe H and I do a collaborative divorce process. Each one will have a lawyer, but they collaborate rather than go at each other's throat, to draft an agreement in the best interest of the family and specially the children. This approach seems very good to me for two reasons:

a) I NEED a lawyer. My H is so much more well-versed on our financial situation, taxes and laws in this country than me. I think I have now decided that I won't feel I have equal footing with him thru mediation. I agree with 25 that I need to have someone looking out for me and I also agree with 25 that H wants mediation so he can give me less $.

b) I DO NOT want to go thru a vindictive, nasty divorce, with shark lawyers that just want to go for the jugular. On the other hand, I also don't want a lawyer that will not be telling me when to back down or compromise if that is in the best interest of my kids. I want to be fair because it's the right thing to do and because I am ultimately setting an example for my kids.
And from what I have read and researched, it sounds like this collaborative process will be taking into account their best interest and that is what I ultimately want.

I didn't have time to cover the mediation or specifics of the separation process with the L during that meeting, so that is why I was asking about it in my previous post.

The only question left in my mind is if I should file for legal separation NOW or wait....(The one thing that is clear to me is that I will NOT be filing for divorce. Yet I am sure that if I file for separation, my H will immediately go for the divorce.)

Why file now?
- To clearly spell out visitation rights (it looks that we finally have an agreement, but it's too soon to know if it will work)
- To avoid having H take or spend the remaining $ (mostly from 401k), which is what we would both use to pay lawyers anyways.
- To clearly divide financial obligations and assets as well as health insurance (current home, investment property in partnership with my parents, debts, 401k, future tax deductions and benefits, health ins, life insurance....)

why wait?
- He has agreed to let me take the kids to Mexico for the holidays so I can visit my siblings and family that I have not seen in 2 years... If I file now, he will be pissed off and might not let me take them. So one option is to wait until after the holidays...
- As of now, he has not stopped making any payments on our bills (except for the town home that is going to short sale). Once we have financial separation clearly spelled out and short sale goes thru (and H has to pay his own rent), he might change his mind about trying to remain business partners in the house and may want to sell it. After all, why would he spend a GOOD chunk of the money he will have left after child support and alimony to help pay for a mortgage on a house that he won't even live in, while he will have to live really tight elsewhere??? (I don't know that I would personally do so either, if I was in his shoes). Yes, his kids will live in the house and go to a great school distric, but for all he cares, I could just rent in the same neighborhood and that won't be an extra expense for him...
- He might not file - yes, I remain hopeful that he may realize how difficult both our lives will be after a divorce, and he won't file...

Any feedback / advice will be very much appreciated...
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Anyways... this week continues to be good for ME. No arguments, no triggers, no drama with H. He came yesterday and took the kids for some frozen yogurt. (Under our new schedule, he is to be with the kids outside my house on Tuesday and Thursday. He can pick them up at anytime, but needs to bring them back by 7:30 since these are school nights.) But because of work, he can't make it here before 6:20, so he really only has 1 hr. - not much to take them anywhere. Well, that is not my problem now - welcome to the life of a separated man... When he picked them up, I was friendly. I had prepared the diaper bag and a bottle for S (3months) and helped put sweaters on the girls. Then I took my purse, said my goodbyes, and left to run some errands. When I came back, I was again friendly and he left shortly there-after.

And today, we had to go together to pre-school open house. As always, I was engaged and having fun with girls. Lots of laughs, giggles, hugs, kisses and smiles. I was excited to see their school work and was pleasant with other parents and kids. H was more detached and even though he was happy to be with kids, he even looked almost sad at times. I didn't ask if anything was wrong, just concentrated on making our daughters feel important and loved and treated him in a friendly way.

I am also continuing to work on my physical appearance and exercising as well. I like the compliments I get (specially in front of H) and I have set my next goal - run a 1/2 marathon in mid January.

I am also talking to my friends on the phone - at least talk to one friend each day and I see at least 1 of my girlfriends a week.
I am also organizing a small girls wine and cheese night at my place. Since I can't go out much, I think it's time to start entertaining at my place again. I have always loved that and why not?

I am also following the advice of a fellow DBer - one night per week I will open up some wine and play some nice music and spend an evening just enjoying that. I did that on Tuesday and it was great...

I have also been reading A LOT on these boards lately - but only success stories for now. They are inspiring and a source of a wealth of knowledge.
BTW - 25, I managed to read ALL your threads from the beginning... It took a while, but your story is amazing and I can see the progression in your personal growth and change. Once again, congrats on your accomplishments!

Another very long post - I am sorry. I think I need to post more often and shorter entries. i will try that, I promise.