What was I an idiot? Of course there's an OM...

[workinghardguy]

So some journaling... Nothing super special today. Overslept this morning and so did the W. She's lucky I didn't wake up and go running on time.

Spent much of the day replaying yesterday's conversation. Made it a tough day. Lots of sadness but also starting to get the detachment ball rolling I think. The June date my W put in play last night really brought to focus for me. Whether I should believe it or not is up for debate, but it tells me I need to let go in case it happens.

Picked S up from school and had a good time. Took SD to her sports practice and put on dinner for the kids. Looked at SD's homework sheet tonight and saw that of the last 18 entries I made 16 of them and my W made two. How does she think she'll pull this off alone? But that's her problem... I can't focus on it.

Then tonight W and SS went for a run. They get back and SS goes to bed. W sits down on the computer and then turns and starts watching House with me on DVR. We watched two episodes together and laughed and shared comments the whole time. Just like we always have. WTH? Last night it's nothing do with us and tonight we're sharing laughs and having fun. She told me good night as well. Bizarre. But whatever, I will continue to detach and let her go. She'll either stay or not. Her choice. My life.

[Ctflor]

I wrote on your last thread but will comment here too... I'm so sorry you found out about om. It took me two months to discover that my h was having an ea with a co worker. Luckily, ow moved out of the country because she was tied to a contract for her job. But this has not made the pain any less. Give yourself time...to feel what you need to feel. As i said before...september was horrible for me...i grieved so much. It does get better as time passes...

When h first bd on july 3rd, he didnt want to go to mc. Flat out refused, saying he was done and did not want to be analyzed. He talked strongly about getting his own place, and doing it soon. For most of that month and august he kept that idea at the forefront...and it was so so hard having to hear him talk of leaving this way.

Not sure what changed, but after i confronted about ow, and the fall out that came from it...he changed his mind, and decided to stay and go to mc. If your w is setting her leave date for that many months away...maybe this will allow more time for db, your gal, and your own preparedness. In the meantime...maybe she will change her plans. I'm not meaning to give false hopes, but in my heart i believe anything can happen.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... Really a fairly low impact day I guess. W worked, I worked, kids had school. Didn't hear from her all day but that's become the norm. Had an after work function for work. Meant I didn't get home until almost 7:30. My mom picked kids up from school and stayed with them until W got home, then W had them.

I got home and W was in a foul mood. She said she's had the same headache for three days... admitting that it's probably from her neck being out of alignment from the partying this weekend. That's too bad. Found myself chuckling, quietly of course, because once I got home I found that kids still had homework undone, S's backpack hadn't been checked, SS needed stuff checked, SD needed stuff signed. So I had them collect all their stuff and go see mom. I had to change clothes after all and she's been home with them for three hours. I think that maybe made her grumpier At the same time I want her to realize exactly what the demands are.

Part of this is me detaching too... in the past I would've just fixed everything and said nothing because I didn't want her to feel bad that she missed so much. Now? Not my problem. She wants to participate then part of participating is doing it right or doing it again.

After that W went in the back room and practiced guitar then took a bath. I ran to the store. Unfortunately before I left I did offer to massage her back/neck if she wanted. She just looked so miserable and in the past I've been able to make it better. Her reply was "no, you don't have to do that." I did recover though as in the past I would've badgered her until she let me or got mad. Tonight, I just turned on my heel, said "ok, just offering" and walked out the door.

Got home from the store and she was still sick and in pain but talked to me. We chatted a bit and then I went downstairs to lift weights. Oddly enough she did come to the top of the stairs and tell me she was going to bed.

So after last night's fun watching house I expected today to be cold, which it was. But I think I did see some reaction to my 180s.

[realormakebeliev]

WHG, baby steps! Any positive sign, no matter how small, is still a positive sign.

I probably wouldn't have offered the back rub, but it sounds like you're really starting to do a great job detaching.

[In_Shock]

I saw that you had posted this on another thread:
My W went and saw a spiritualist. The spiritualist told her "no matter what happens the kids will be ok." My W has shared that with me. But my counter is, so what? I don't want the kids to be ok. I want the kids to be great, to be fantastic, to feel loved, safe, and secure and be able to use their family and home as a springboard to greater accomplishments and growth. How does that happens as well if your home is a source of pain and feelings of abandonment?

That is so odd-- my W also went to a spiritual reader/psychic who, and I quote W, 'gave her the strength to leave the R' I personally think it's cr@p -- and it upsets me that both our W's used this in even small part of their justification. I don't get it, i don't get it at all. Perhaps I should open a shop reading tea leaves.... must be money in those things!

I always read your posts, and I hope you are doing well. It's SOOOOOOO hard, but you are hanging on. Be good to yourself and enjoy the things you can during this rough time. Just wanted to give you my support and commiserate on the whole 'spiritualist' thing.

[25yearsmlc]

in Shock,

tell your w that I had a dream last night that she went off with OW and was miserable and sad and got really fat...

so there...

if she asks "so what? Why do I care what a total stranger says about my life?"

You can say "exactly".

[25yearsmlc]

sorry for the hijack but it applies to your sitch too

[workinghardguy]

Thanks IS and 25... I'll admit it was hard to pull back on this one... I tried to look at it through her eyes. She truly sees value in spiritualists while I don't see quite as much. What I find truly frustrating is that she'll go drive two hours to see "the witches" and have a spiritual reading but won't drive the 10 blocks over to the mental health practitioner and get counseling. She doesn't trust those counselor types... WTH?

I've long considered spiritualists, at least the ones who aren't just complete shams, to simply be reflectors. They are good at reading people and asking questions to elicit information that allows them to confirm the person's world view. So what I used it for was some type of sense of where she is at, and what her reaction to it was.

Not a lot of value but might as well find something worthwhile in the exchange right?

[workinghardguy]

Ok.. so I'll journal later, but had an odd interaction tonight and looking for thoughts on it. Figured I'd post it now and let people chew it over before I come back later to journal.

I got home from work and won't detail it all here, but W and I were having good conversation. During the day I had seen some posts on Facebook about my W's friend (who is my W's best friend's sister) having some major R drama going on, and I mean major (like soap opera level stuff). So my W asks me if I know what's going on with... let's call her Jess. I said I saw some stuff on Facebook. So my W starts to tell me the drama... then she stops and asks, "Did I tell you this already?" and I say no, I don't think so. She continues, "Are you sure? Well probably not since we don't really talk anymore" and her tone and non-verbals were of... regret? disappointment? and her tone got soft.

So what was that? My immediate interpretation was regret for the breakdown of our nightly talks about her day. Since the last "roommate" convo I stopped talking about her day. Plus with all my GAL lately we just haven't had time, and when she's grouchy or withdrawn I just keep my PMA and choose not to engage with her, lest I be infected with her Debby Downer worldview.

I almost asked her if she wanted to talk more in the evenings... if she wanted to catch up on her day and my day. But I didn't... too much, too soon, too much like pursuing I think.

Or maybe I'm just crazy.

[MrBond]

Stop overanalyzing. It's going to drive you nuts. She'll act one way one day and a different way on another.

Maybe wait a couple of days, then just call her at night and say that you didn't have any plans so just called her to say "what's up". See what happens.

You want to increase positive communication with her.