You are so right, I'm not very good at this! You can improve. Read the Div Books/Div Remedy books if you have not done so already. Or read them again. But reading is not as important as implementing what it says.
As with 12 steps, work the program and the program works with you...
Don't just give it lip service and expect changes.
I know what I should do/say, but it's not something I can always manage to do. I stay distant, she come close, we start to "connect", then I push, and it all falls apart again! I know I do it, but its just so hard to remain detached at times realize the more you try to pull her in, or push for answers OR a reconciliation, the more you push her away for longer.
The way to pull her in is to detach AND SHOW THE CHANGED YOU...
I have looked at me, and I'm totally aware of the hurt I caused her. I told her the reason we split was neglect on my part, she agreed. She has told me she likes attention and I just didn't give it, in fact I gave the exact opposite, maybe this is why I push try too hard now?? IDK. But you need to Just stop it. Be a man only a fool would leave. Stop talking about your changes and just live them. Don't point them out or highlight them again.
When you do that it reeks of tactical moves. Meaning, when you tell her, again, that you have "Stopped drinking now for 10 weeks" and then ask her why you are divorcing,
it appears you are saying "I stopped drinking so you'd come back and now I want you to come back"... That's a TACTIC -so of course she won't trust it, b/c it's NOT a genuine change based on the realization that drinking was ruining the most important r's in your life.
When you realize that sobriety is for YOU and what YOU want b/c you don't want to miss any more of your life or your children's lives, it'll be a start in the new you.
You don't keep telling her that you are different now b/c you stopped drinking 10 weeks ago. That's 70 days. It's NOT a long time.
What changes, other than not drinking, have you made or are you making? I need you to be specific so you can measure your progress and monitor. But general things like "less controlling" are very vague.
For your sake, be specific but again, it's not for you to point out to her. Ever.
Just do your work b/c you want to do it for you and your life. You deserve to participate in your life and being sober is part of that.
I am a controlling person, its what makes me good at my job, but caused my marriage to fail as well.
This is something I'm trying to change, I try not to ask her questions about anything, as it can look controlling, I try to maintain distance so I'm not looking pushy, but again it's hard at times. try to be specific about the changes. What you were doing before which you won't now do, and what you will do instead. I hear what you are saying about not asking questions, which is good!
But then I hear a lot of that in your posts anyhow. Same applies to questions asked of the kids. Please just ask things like whether they had fun. NOTHING about OM or how their mom is or anything probing. They'll know what you are doing. What are you doing that you used to not do, that would reflect less controlling nature? Here's a hypothetical example-if you usually decide where to eat or what to eat or what movie to watch
let others choose and accept their choice gladly. Just an example of something affirmative you can do, (as opposed to not doing something you used to do) that would show you are different.
So Be as specific as possible so you can measure your growth and progress...same goes for your relationshipw tih your wife....
My 12 steps is slow, I know that. I don't have a sponsor, its not been offered, but I haven't asked either? You seek out a sponsor. They must agree. It's a big deal. Don't just wait.
Are you going to meetings every day? Please try to.
The 12 step program and doing the 12 steps will give you so much peace inside and will guide you & support you in detachment efforts.
And I'm a little curious. why are you ending so many sentences with a "?"? Just wondering.
All I know is that I will never drink again, I truely know this, because I know the pain and hurt it caused, and I have made a promise to my children never to drink again. Glad you "know" it but I recall the phrase "never say never" b/c it is thought to keep you vigilant.
After all, even after she left, it still took you 10 months to begin sobriety. Why the delay, other than generic desire to drink?
What did you tell yourself to justify the continuation of alcohol?
The more you recall what you told yourself, the more you'll be aware of it if it happens again so you can stop that thought process & nip it in the bud.
From conversations we have had, I know she is hurting and is scared, and I do pursue too much, trying to "fix" the pain, (=get her back). You need to let her heal. She won't trust the changes til she sees them with her eyes over time,
not hearing you tell her that you are sober now so you are "all fixed" yourself.
and I know it is causing more pain!!!!! Then show her that you are more concerned with her pain and healing, than your own.
I just get drawn into it at times, I know that sounds pathetic, but it just happens. I reject that ^^^ statement. It does not "just happen." IT's an excuse. If it were true, then how would anyone believe you won't just drink again b/c it "just happens"? See Bond's note to you earlier.
You have nailed it with the comments that she blames me for pushing her to OM, she has told me that. And she also knows that I would not have stopped drinking until she left, and even then it took me a further 10months for me to realise and stop, so you are totally correct that it's all far too early for her to believe any changes, and she is right. here's the 'math' of it all...
Consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
Acceptance is what I really need to work on now. I need to accept that my "old" marriage is over, and i have, and I'm glad it is. I have to accept that I'm an alcoholic, who has no control over the substance, and my actions through it. Yes to this^^^...but keep going with the rest of the steps. There is great love in the program. It's really quite profound if you let it in.
I have to accept that my "wife" no longer wants me in her life, she will do what she wants, with who she wants, and I have no right to say otherwise. she no longer wants who you were, in her life. It remains to be seen whether she'll want the sober, evolved you, in the future.
I see hope in this situation.
I have to accept that I'm not the victim here, my wife and children are, I need to understand that the respect they had for me has been damaged by the lack of respect I had for them while drinking.
Good insight. Please remember this when you want to start shaming her with the OM or talking about how hard all this is on YOU...it's NOT easy on her. Hasn't been for a long time.
I have to accept that I will be ok, I'm not a bad person, I just got lost in drink, I understand that, and I will not go back to that place again. correct...remember that.
I need to now continue looking at me. YES...
She asks me how I am, how things are going etc, an I always say fine. Is that true? Are you "always fine"?
I mean of course you want to be upbeat but you can also be authentic. have a strong PMA and face the future with openness and trust in God, or "the universe" or whatever you call your Higher Power.
I find that people who have truly worked a 12 step program have a lot of integrity.
They've done some brave work inwardly, where the real journey is.
I also totally agree that this is a major time for me I don't want to rush back together, that would be so wrong at the moment, it's something I feel we are both not ready for. Clearly you are not ready to be together again. So much is still the same as before, which YOU pointed out to her....
So, STOP the questions about why you are divorcing b/c you know why.
Maybe in time she can see that enough has happened to cause your necessary changes. Maybe. But that takes time. So stop all the pursuit for now. Back off.
You can coparent and be upbeat and warm and postiive and NOT pursuing her...try to do it in 90 day increments if you need to. 90 days sober and 90 days of backing off and giving her space and you working the new you program. THen assess.
Make sense?
Remember, you have had "an awakening".
Is that term foreign to you? I may post the 37 rules for newcomers if you don't recall it...
But then, what do I want??
I want my wife and family back, but when and how?? Not sure to be honest? I feel giving her the house is a big thing to her, I am basically handing over control to her This is something I would not have done 12 months ago? First Figure out what you want so you can write it down without ?s marks in the sentences. Make it clear that YOU want it, and you are sure so you can work towards your goals, not keep questioning them...make sense?
Okay--- so your "handing the house over" was a nice gesture for her that shows you are different than before. Good. But you told us that it makes legal sense per your solicitor. I'm not saying it wasn't a kind gesture. But you said it was a wash for you financially and it was clearly in your kids' best interests for their stability, not having to move again..
Don't start to make it out to be heroic, okay? I mean, can you see how you're revising things in a self serving way
and you're doing it in the same week in which you admitted it simply made the most sense? Understand that We have all done this.
But increase your self awareness so you can learn and grow. The 12 steps will GREATLY help you with this increased self awareness and honesty..
I just really need to accept my current situation, have no expectations on anyone. I need to do things for me, what is right for me But sometimes that can look like I'm being selfish and not thinking about others? not sure of your meaning here^^^, but if you're honest with yourself and others, then that will be all that matters.
When I got my apartment, I'm about 5miles away from "home"
I did it for space for me, but that got turned around that I was too far away from the children, 10minutes car ride??? So I'm now looking to move back closer to "home", yes I will enjoy being closer to the kids, and I'll see them more So then, it makes sense for the kids AND for YOU to move in closer, right? So, no problem, as long as you can afford this. Sounds like you can. But it seems strange that this is something she has really wanted also?
She's co-parenting with you. This wish for you to be close makes sense to me. Not strange at all. The kids are helped by having both parents nearby. You are still their dad. And she gets helped by it too, which is probably a new thing for her...and a marked change in the possible future M you two could have. Maybe you could be m to her AND she could still get some free time...that'd be nice for her. And you.
So you admit it's good that you are closer for YOU. Don't make this into something it's not.
It's a good thing, and it's not "unfair" to you if what you say above is true.
Don't forget to Be glad she wants you closer! Be glad she wants you as involved as she does.
She could have argued you are an alcoholic and therefore an unfit parent. Surely that's not what you'd prefer. Of course not....see, there's another "reading into" and then twisting it around to make you out to be a victim or confused...here and you don't need to do that.
just go with the flow on some issues. Not everything is worth fighting about, so pick your battles. And this moving in closer...is NOT a battle you want to fight, imo.
Again 25, I really needed your post.
It's made me think about things again clearly. I think I was getting carried away with the communication we had, and yes, I probably pushed her too much It's all my fault and I dont deserve anything. I don't know what this sentence^^^^ means, or is supposed to mean. Don't know your goal in saying it.
Are you wallowing now? Are you trying to undermine what you just said earlier about yourself and the good work you are doing on YOU?
What does it mean to say you "don't deserve anything"? I'm curious.
Thanks
you have 2 life changing programs in your life now.
The more you trust their advice and process, & the more you work their programs,
the more you will see your life evolve into a loving, honest life lived with clarity and intention.
Work the programs and stay on track. If you fall, get up again and get back on track.
Your sobriety and working the DB program will improve ALL the r's in your life whether or not you reconcile with her in the long run.
But you will make it to the other side and you will be a better man for it. That counts.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
