I just won't talk about the past no more, how are we to move on when we linger on the past.
VC, she does call me a lot!!, thats the problem!!
Take yesterday for example, I had 3-4 calls during the day from her regarding the developments on the new house,solicitor, etc, all not needed really, I'd call her if there was any developments?
Then last night I had 2 calls regarding the kids, again nothing really.
Then late on around 10.00pm, I get a call asking me to speak to our son as he wouldn't go to bed?, again nothing really to do with me, he lives with her??, was she checking I was home????
I have not called her since Saturday/Sunday??
But we speak loads during the day?
I've even been ignoring her calls during the day, but she keeps calling back!!! then she asks me was I ignoring her!!
I told her yesterday, that I just want the house sorting, our finances agreed, then we can move on, she sounded quiet sad??
I didn't say anything, but I could detect something? Maybe this is why she keeps calling me??
Either way, she has to just live the life she has decided works best for her, but at the moment it feels we are together, the talking, the helping each other out with kids, etc, but we are just living apart??
Very confusing at times, and hard to move on really?
I just have to maintain the "no contact" rule from me, and leave her alone.
But the big question to me is, if she hates/dislikes me, the hurt I caused,etc, why maintain such regular contact?? Thats the part I just don't understand, and find really hard?
Sorry VC, I don't know if her nephew said anything, but she hasn't mentioned it to me, so I don't know???
I saw this "old" post of yours and feel like it's a good example of what you might want to work on changing, so your life changes. It may seem like a 2 x 4 but it's not meant to be.
Originally Posted By: DCSUK
And the madness continues!!
My wife called yesterday during the day, I ignored the first call, then she rang back,I answered. She told me that our daughter had been poorly at school and she was going to get her, she said that she was very busy at work, and if needed could I take the next day off to look after our daughter, I told her I was really busy also and couldn't.
Straight away the bomb went off!!! Telling me how I had not changed, I was not there to help her, she was left alone again, etc, etc. She even threw in that her parents can't help as she is not talking to them, and that was my fault also! I just told her that her parents were not happy with her because of her attitude to our daughter when she was stuck at school while she was away with OM!!!! did telling her that^^, help the situation or the talk? Did you think she had forgotten the trip w/OM and leaving her d at school? The conversation basically went down hill, phone slamming, etc. What did You learn anything from this exchange?
Eventually she called me, she had out daughter at home, she was fine, and just had a slight tummy bug, and looked ok for the next day.
She then asked me to get a coffee, while we spoke calmly. Again!!!!, we spoke about us, the kids, the past, etc!!!
I told her that I was tired of having the past thrown in my face, she told me that she was still hurt and angry about it. Maybe it would help you to create a SHORT mantra or response to these, of <2-3 sentences. You can admit your regrets AND Lessons from the past, and one of them is to now focus on the future ONLY...for everyone's sake.
But just so I know, you talk a lot about what SHE did to you w/OM.
How do you believe You hurt HER, specifically? IOW when you were drinking, how did that effect HER?
Ever think that she was probably often very hurt or angered by how You treated her then? Are you able to recall any of these experiences? My father had a lot of black outs
but now & then I wonder if that might have also been self serving...better not to remember...
So I asked her, why was she still angry with me, she had OM, she had the house, she had the kids, she had her job, her friends, everything she wanted, so why still be angry with me?? She couldn't answer? I just said that it's because she still had feelings for me, and thats why she is hurting. Wait...I'm confused....You told her what she felt AND why? Why engage in this R talk, AND then mind read, out loud?
Seems clear she's reeling from your marital issues/demise and her decision to act. Your comments are all just more pure pursuit and arguments. Certainly not detachment.
But maybe I'm misreading all this.
Did YOU tell her how SHE feels (=angry) and then also tell her why she is angry at you?
I advise against that, big time. Hope you can see why.
She told me she did miss me at times, thinks about me, even said that she thinks she still loves me, but was still hurting. I again apologised and asked why were we getting divorced? Did you read what she just told you here? She just said she's "still hurting"....and that sounds like a reason for her feelings and divorce.
ANY woman who has been married to someone as long as she has w/you, will retain some good loving feelings.
Don't read into it (at least to her) or she'll deny having them...
sure She loves you but she knows it takes more than love...after all, you just stopped drinking 10 weeks ago. Why? In her mind, it probably looks like the only reason you stopped is b/c of the divorce so in her mind, you forced her hand.
And she did you and the kids a favor by doing whatever it took to get your attention, improve her life and your health.
In her mind, perhaps she felt You pushed her into the arms of OM, and only b/c of her drastic actions did you begin to solve your underlying problem....
Don't you think there's at least some validity to this?
I mean she divorced you, and only NOW you stopped drinking. This is all new to her.
So she hasn't had a chance to 1) believe you CAN stop drinking' or that 2) you WILL stop drinking for good, or
3) that it will really last, even when no one else is around and
4) she does not know who you'll become after sobriety is part of your everyday life.
You will undoubtedly change. Your manner of interacting will change.
It's a lot to take in and process, for all.
Again, it was because you are an alcoholic!!Ouch!! we saw that coming...right? I mean you do get it, right? THAT's her reason. True or not, she believes it AND you did need to quit.
So, how is this part so confusing to you? I'm sincere. I don't understand what upsets you about this specific issue b/c It's a true statement you are owning...right?
She still has feelings for you (you're the father of her children) and all woman are moved when they see their children lovingly interacting with their dads...it's a turn on.
Be the best dad you can be, now more than ever.
I said I was 10 weeks sober, I know its not long, but its where I am, she said that she knew that, but if she hadn't left I would not have changed, I agreed and thanked her.
BINGO! There's your answer^^^mystery solved. You agree with her.
She will have to have a lot more time seeing the new "evolving" sober you, before she really thinks you can make a go of it.
That makes sense to me. (My dad was an alcoholic for a big chunk of my life. God how I wish he had quit drinking earlier...) I said this "new life" she wanted and had didn't seem to make her that happy, again she sort of agreed. She "Sort of agreed"? OR she saw no point in fruitless discussion...??
Her "new life" for a long time was probably having a sober h. Be careful here... I would not push her so hard on this "aren't you happy NOW?" approach. it's your pride talking and that's not helping you with your m or your sobriety, imo.
It's like you want her to admit being wrong and you want to corner her into it...as if you want to "win" some battle here. But that's not helpful to your cause, imo. And my friend, the battle is not with her. It's in you.
I explained that the pressure we were both under with work, life, kids, etc, was exactly the same, I said we speak more now than we did when we were together, she agreed, and I said we still argue about the same things, and I also said that I bet that in a years time we are still having the same arguments, she said probably and laughed!!
I would Never say this^^. PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHY...
I want her to believe that YOU have changed. (And that it's true that you have changed...
Most importantly, SHE MUST come to believe that marriage to you, from this day forward, can and would be different AND better than before...
or why would she want you to come home?
So stress the changes in you and the way you two interact, NOT the same old stuff that "will never change"... (good grief, I fear you are not getting this!!)
Your present purpose in your interactions with her (the ones you must have) must include demonstrating how changed your R can be....not repeating the insanity of the same old behaviors from before...
I said that didn't that tell her something, spliting up will not make you happier, I said that I think we should try councelling together, I said I didn't want a chance, I didn't want to move back in or get back together, I justthink we should try councelling together? She didn't give any answers, but she was very quiet and I know she was thinking about it. Other than saying "wow that's a lot More pursuit" I have 2 questions for you and I'm being sincere.
1) Did you read the DB books?
2) Have you read and understood the "37 Rules" posted around here?
B/c my friend,THIS ^^^ Is NOT DBing...
We ended the call when our daughter was calling her.
I really want to get off this ride!!! But I can't!!!!! I feel as the end/divorce is coming, we are starting to talk??
Maybe...OR It's a rehashing...and mindreading...
Will it stop the divorce?, probably not?
But I just don't know where it will end at the moment, it is changing daily!!!
Is she having any doubts?, I honestly don't know And I think her pride will carry it through to divorce, etc. All I know is the communication is still there, the hurt is still there, but she is telling why we got here a lot more now? THe only words I am sure came from her are about your drinking. You said she was angry and then you said why she felt that way. OR so it read.
She acknowledges my changes, she comments on it, she even applauds me for not drinking, AA, etc. Of course she does. We all do. She knows I've seen the light and changed, How have you changed? Other than not drinking, what work are you doing on the traits you wanted to change?
How are you becoming the authentic new you?
What changes has she seen or have you made?
I hear nothing of them, other than your drinking has recently stopped. I don't hear what you are learning at the meetings or the 12 steps, and I have been in that program, and the fact that I'm not hearing anything about changes or growth or awareness of the harms YOU have done, or the amends...is worrying me.
Instead I hear you talk about HER wrongs to you. Ironically- you dont' want to discuss your wrongs or her pain, b/c that's "throwing the past into your face" but you did that to her in the phone conversation with reference to OM and your d....the exact thing you don't want her to do to you...)
I'm concerned you are not getting a lot out of your 12 step program and therefore you wont' stay in it. Just a nagging concern...
but with the hurt, OM, friends, etc, she is very reluctant to stop the bus!!!
To me, that's completely understandable, given the givens. Even if she were ready to reconcile she'd be nuts to rush it. It's the most dangerous thing she could do. (Rushing into a recon b/c if you two blow it then you probably won't recon again...remember that). Relapses happen an average of 1-2 times but reconciliations are not the same. You dont' always get another chance to start over. And you will be lucky to get one so don't rush things.
If you talk to your sponsor see what they say about R's now. I mean usually they want 1-2 YEARS of sobriety before a relationship happens, including a reconciliation, and you've been at it for weeks.
Are you going to meetings and do you like your sponsor?
Anyhow, I think she'd need to begin piecing, and getting c with and without you. She has issues including her enabling and co dependency issues, among others.
And if you are an alcoholic, and I trust you on that, then you have issues that need big time work.
I have not heard a thing here about that. How is YOUR work on YOU going? How's the program going?
Staying sober is #1, I know. But what about #2 and 3? What are your GAL activities and 180s, other than not drinking? The more you have of those, the more likely you are to stay sober, fyi.
I undersatnd that, I cannot make her change her mind, it will take time to heal, a lot of time. Time even for her to look at herself and know that she did wrong with OM so quickly wow, back to HER FLAWS so fast??? Hey, you are doing the 12 steps right? So how is your personal moral inventory going?
There's NO place in a 12 step program for you to focus on her "wrong"...you have enough to work to do on you. Talk to your sponsor about that comment right after talking about her healing...you are talking about HER healing right? Or yours? OR what?
The longer you focus on you being right and her being wrong, the longer you'll be apart.
Don't miss this chance at real growth for yourself. This isn't about her now. It's all you now. YOUR LIFE AND YOUR WORK...
But my ride just continues!!!!
good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know what I should do/say, but it's not something I can always manage to do.
I stay distant, she come close, we start to "connect", then I push, and it all falls apart again!1 I know I do it, but its just so hard to remain detached at times
I have looked at me, and I'm totally aware of the hurt I caused her. I told her the reason we split was neglect on my part, she agreed. She has told me she likes attention and I just didn't give it, in fact I gave the exact opposite, maybe this is why I push try too hard now??
I am a controlling person, its what makes me good at my job, but caused my marriage to fail as well. This is something I'm trying to change, I try not to ask her questions about anything, as it can look controlling, I try to maintain distance so I'm not looking pushy, but again it's hard at times.
My 12 steps is slow, I know that. I don't have a sponsor, its not been offered, but I haven't asked either?
All I know is that I will never drink again, I truely know this, because I know the pain and hurt it caused, and I have made a promise to my children never to drink again.
From conversations we have had, I know she is hurting and is scared, and I do pursue too much, trying to "fix" the pain, and I know it is causing more pain!!!!! I just get drawn into it at times, I know that sounds pathetic, but it just happens.
You have nailed it with the comments that she blames me for pushing her to OM, she has told me that. And she also knows that I would not have stopped drinking until she left, and even then it took me a further 10months for me to realise and stop, so you are totally correct that it's all far too early for her to believe any changes, and she is right.
Acceptance is what I really need to work on now. I need to accept that my "old" marriage is over, and i have, and I'm glad it is.
I have to accept that I'm an alcoholic, who has no control over the substance, and my actions through it.
I have to accept that my "wife" no longer wants me in her life, she will do what she wants, with who she wants, and I have no right to say otherwise.
I have to accept that I'm not the victim here, my wife and children are, I need to understand that the respect they had for me has been damaged by the lack of respect I had for them while drinking.
I have to accept that I will be ok, I'm not a bad person, I just got lost in drink, I understand that, and I will not go back to that place again.
I need to now continue looking at me.
She asks me how I am, how things are going etc, an I always say fine.
I also totally agree that this is a major time for me
I don't want to rush back together, that would be so wrong at the moment, it's something I feel we are both not ready for.
But then, what do I want??
I want my wife and family back, but when and how?? Not sure to be honest?
I feel giving her the house is a big thing to her, I am basically handing over control to her This is something I would not have done 12 months ago?
I just really need to accept my current situation, have no expectations on anyone. I need to do things for me, what is right for me But sometimes that can look like I'm being selfish and not thinking about others?
When I got my apartment, I'm about 5miles away from "home"
I did it for space for me, but that got turned around that I was too far away from the children, 10minutes car ride???
So I'm now looking to move back closer to "home", yes I will enjoy being closer to the kids, and I'll see them more
But it seems strange that this is something she has really wanted also?
Again 25, I really needed your post.
It's made me think about things again clearly. I think I was getting carried away with the communication we had, and yes, I probably pushed her too much
You are so right, I'm not very good at this! You can improve. Read the Div Books/Div Remedy books if you have not done so already. Or read them again. But reading is not as important as implementing what it says.
As with 12 steps, work the program and the program works with you...
Don't just give it lip service and expect changes.
I know what I should do/say, but it's not something I can always manage to do. I stay distant, she come close, we start to "connect", then I push, and it all falls apart again! I know I do it, but its just so hard to remain detached at times realize the more you try to pull her in, or push for answers OR a reconciliation, the more you push her away for longer.
The way to pull her in is to detach AND SHOW THE CHANGED YOU...
I have looked at me, and I'm totally aware of the hurt I caused her. I told her the reason we split was neglect on my part, she agreed. She has told me she likes attention and I just didn't give it, in fact I gave the exact opposite, maybe this is why I push try too hard now?? IDK. But you need to Just stop it. Be a man only a fool would leave. Stop talking about your changes and just live them. Don't point them out or highlight them again.
When you do that it reeks of tactical moves. Meaning, when you tell her, again, that you have "Stopped drinking now for 10 weeks" and then ask her why you are divorcing,
it appears you are saying "I stopped drinking so you'd come back and now I want you to come back"... That's a TACTIC -so of course she won't trust it, b/c it's NOT a genuine change based on the realization that drinking was ruining the most important r's in your life.
When you realize that sobriety is for YOU and what YOU want b/c you don't want to miss any more of your life or your children's lives, it'll be a start in the new you.
You don't keep telling her that you are different now b/c you stopped drinking 10 weeks ago. That's 70 days. It's NOT a long time.
What changes, other than not drinking, have you made or are you making? I need you to be specific so you can measure your progress and monitor. But general things like "less controlling" are very vague.
For your sake, be specific but again, it's not for you to point out to her. Ever.
Just do your work b/c you want to do it for you and your life. You deserve to participate in your life and being sober is part of that.
I am a controlling person, its what makes me good at my job, but caused my marriage to fail as well.
This is something I'm trying to change, I try not to ask her questions about anything, as it can look controlling, I try to maintain distance so I'm not looking pushy, but again it's hard at times. try to be specific about the changes. What you were doing before which you won't now do, and what you will do instead. I hear what you are saying about not asking questions, which is good!
But then I hear a lot of that in your posts anyhow. Same applies to questions asked of the kids. Please just ask things like whether they had fun. NOTHING about OM or how their mom is or anything probing. They'll know what you are doing. What are you doing that you used to not do, that would reflect less controlling nature? Here's a hypothetical example-if you usually decide where to eat or what to eat or what movie to watch
let others choose and accept their choice gladly. Just an example of something affirmative you can do, (as opposed to not doing something you used to do) that would show you are different.
So Be as specific as possible so you can measure your growth and progress...same goes for your relationshipw tih your wife....
My 12 steps is slow, I know that. I don't have a sponsor, its not been offered, but I haven't asked either? You seek out a sponsor. They must agree. It's a big deal. Don't just wait.
Are you going to meetings every day? Please try to.
The 12 step program and doing the 12 steps will give you so much peace inside and will guide you & support you in detachment efforts.
And I'm a little curious. why are you ending so many sentences with a "?"? Just wondering.
All I know is that I will never drink again, I truely know this, because I know the pain and hurt it caused, and I have made a promise to my children never to drink again. Glad you "know" it but I recall the phrase "never say never" b/c it is thought to keep you vigilant.
After all, even after she left, it still took you 10 months to begin sobriety. Why the delay, other than generic desire to drink?
What did you tell yourself to justify the continuation of alcohol?
The more you recall what you told yourself, the more you'll be aware of it if it happens again so you can stop that thought process & nip it in the bud.
From conversations we have had, I know she is hurting and is scared, and I do pursue too much, trying to "fix" the pain, (=get her back). You need to let her heal. She won't trust the changes til she sees them with her eyes over time,
not hearing you tell her that you are sober now so you are "all fixed" yourself.
and I know it is causing more pain!!!!! Then show her that you are more concerned with her pain and healing, than your own.
I just get drawn into it at times, I know that sounds pathetic, but it just happens. I reject that ^^^ statement. It does not "just happen." IT's an excuse. If it were true, then how would anyone believe you won't just drink again b/c it "just happens"? See Bond's note to you earlier.
You have nailed it with the comments that she blames me for pushing her to OM, she has told me that. And she also knows that I would not have stopped drinking until she left, and even then it took me a further 10months for me to realise and stop, so you are totally correct that it's all far too early for her to believe any changes, and she is right. here's the 'math' of it all...
Consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
Acceptance is what I really need to work on now. I need to accept that my "old" marriage is over, and i have, and I'm glad it is. I have to accept that I'm an alcoholic, who has no control over the substance, and my actions through it. Yes to this^^^...but keep going with the rest of the steps. There is great love in the program. It's really quite profound if you let it in.
I have to accept that my "wife" no longer wants me in her life, she will do what she wants, with who she wants, and I have no right to say otherwise. she no longer wants who you were, in her life. It remains to be seen whether she'll want the sober, evolved you, in the future.
I see hope in this situation.
I have to accept that I'm not the victim here, my wife and children are, I need to understand that the respect they had for me has been damaged by the lack of respect I had for them while drinking.
Good insight. Please remember this when you want to start shaming her with the OM or talking about how hard all this is on YOU...it's NOT easy on her. Hasn't been for a long time.
I have to accept that I will be ok, I'm not a bad person, I just got lost in drink, I understand that, and I will not go back to that place again. correct...remember that.
I need to now continue looking at me. YES...
She asks me how I am, how things are going etc, an I always say fine. Is that true? Are you "always fine"?
I mean of course you want to be upbeat but you can also be authentic. have a strong PMA and face the future with openness and trust in God, or "the universe" or whatever you call your Higher Power.
I find that people who have truly worked a 12 step program have a lot of integrity.
They've done some brave work inwardly, where the real journey is.
I also totally agree that this is a major time for me I don't want to rush back together, that would be so wrong at the moment, it's something I feel we are both not ready for. Clearly you are not ready to be together again. So much is still the same as before, which YOU pointed out to her....
So, STOP the questions about why you are divorcing b/c you know why.
Maybe in time she can see that enough has happened to cause your necessary changes. Maybe. But that takes time. So stop all the pursuit for now. Back off.
You can coparent and be upbeat and warm and postiive and NOT pursuing her...try to do it in 90 day increments if you need to. 90 days sober and 90 days of backing off and giving her space and you working the new you program. THen assess.
Make sense?
Remember, you have had "an awakening".
Is that term foreign to you? I may post the 37 rules for newcomers if you don't recall it...
But then, what do I want??
I want my wife and family back, but when and how?? Not sure to be honest? I feel giving her the house is a big thing to her, I am basically handing over control to her This is something I would not have done 12 months ago? First Figure out what you want so you can write it down without ?s marks in the sentences. Make it clear that YOU want it, and you are sure so you can work towards your goals, not keep questioning them...make sense?
Okay--- so your "handing the house over" was a nice gesture for her that shows you are different than before. Good. But you told us that it makes legal sense per your solicitor. I'm not saying it wasn't a kind gesture. But you said it was a wash for you financially and it was clearly in your kids' best interests for their stability, not having to move again..
Don't start to make it out to be heroic, okay? I mean, can you see how you're revising things in a self serving way
and you're doing it in the same week in which you admitted it simply made the most sense? Understand that We have all done this.
But increase your self awareness so you can learn and grow. The 12 steps will GREATLY help you with this increased self awareness and honesty..
I just really need to accept my current situation, have no expectations on anyone. I need to do things for me, what is right for me But sometimes that can look like I'm being selfish and not thinking about others? not sure of your meaning here^^^, but if you're honest with yourself and others, then that will be all that matters.
When I got my apartment, I'm about 5miles away from "home"
I did it for space for me, but that got turned around that I was too far away from the children, 10minutes car ride??? So I'm now looking to move back closer to "home", yes I will enjoy being closer to the kids, and I'll see them more So then, it makes sense for the kids AND for YOU to move in closer, right? So, no problem, as long as you can afford this. Sounds like you can. But it seems strange that this is something she has really wanted also?
She's co-parenting with you. This wish for you to be close makes sense to me. Not strange at all. The kids are helped by having both parents nearby. You are still their dad. And she gets helped by it too, which is probably a new thing for her...and a marked change in the possible future M you two could have. Maybe you could be m to her AND she could still get some free time...that'd be nice for her. And you.
So you admit it's good that you are closer for YOU. Don't make this into something it's not.
It's a good thing, and it's not "unfair" to you if what you say above is true.
Don't forget to Be glad she wants you closer! Be glad she wants you as involved as she does.
She could have argued you are an alcoholic and therefore an unfit parent. Surely that's not what you'd prefer. Of course not....see, there's another "reading into" and then twisting it around to make you out to be a victim or confused...here and you don't need to do that.
just go with the flow on some issues. Not everything is worth fighting about, so pick your battles. And this moving in closer...is NOT a battle you want to fight, imo.
Again 25, I really needed your post.
It's made me think about things again clearly. I think I was getting carried away with the communication we had, and yes, I probably pushed her too much It's all my fault and I dont deserve anything. I don't know what this sentence^^^^ means, or is supposed to mean. Don't know your goal in saying it.
Are you wallowing now? Are you trying to undermine what you just said earlier about yourself and the good work you are doing on YOU?
What does it mean to say you "don't deserve anything"? I'm curious.
Thanks
you have 2 life changing programs in your life now.
The more you trust their advice and process, & the more you work their programs,
the more you will see your life evolve into a loving, honest life lived with clarity and intention.
Work the programs and stay on track. If you fall, get up again and get back on track.
Your sobriety and working the DB program will improve ALL the r's in your life whether or not you reconcile with her in the long run.
But you will make it to the other side and you will be a better man for it. That counts.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Why do I use so many ?, I don't know, probably because I don't know whats going on , and I don't know the answers to a lot of things.
Firstly I think you are totally correct, AA, and the 12 steps are alot more than just drinking, its about finding inner peace and being a better, more caring person. That was a surprise to me at first, I thought it was just about the drink. I do have to try to implement the steps better in me, and not just give up the drink.
The changes I can see in me, along with the drink, I'm a much much better parent than I ever was, I took things for granted, and although I loved my kids, I didn't really know them, especially my daughter, we did not get on at all. But the big change is my realtionship with them, we are not only parent and siblings, we are now best friends. My wife has commented on it, but also highlights that unless she hadn't left, this would not have happened, she is correct.
I am also a better co-parent, if that makes sense. My wife did everything to do with the kids, school, etc.
I now do loads, I attend things at school, I take them to school, something I never did, I pick them up from school, I cook for them, I help with homework. Again I would not be doing these things unless she left.
I just went to work, and came home, drank, fell asleep. That was more life!
So I do appreciate what I have now, and again this would not have happened until she left.
I know this may not have come across very well, but my wife and I get on quite well really.
I admit I have not handled the OM very well at all, I know that, and I've told her that and apologised.
Take last night for instance, I had the kids, we went out for dinner, etc, it was great. Wife called 2-3 times, to speak to the kids, and spent around 15minutes talking to me about various things, all really nice.
I didn't mention "us" or anything and it was great.
I really needed you to tell me as it is 25, I really did
I need to get back to how we were getting before I found out about OM
I am starting to feel a load calmer inside for some reason.
I don't actually know why either, but there seems to be an acceptance inside me that I need to live day to day and not worry about the future, I have always been a worrier
The decision on the house was made by me, and was totally about the kids well being. Yes, I ran it past my solicitor, if I was making a huge mistake, I would have looked at alternatives, but it was always about the kids.
When I said I don't deserve anything, I meant I didn't deserve my wife or kids after what put them through, having to see me drinking every day. She has told me that I don't understand how hard it was for her watching the man she loved killing himself infront of her, that really struck home.
When we first split, I went to the doctors, she was telling my moods, etc where a problem.
The doctor gave me anti-deppressant, he asked about the drinking, but I don't think I was totally honest with him.
I was on these for a long time, I felt a little better, but nothing more.
I was still drinking, I had cut down, but was still drinking every night.
My wife mentioned the drinking again, long term damage, etc.
I went back to the doctors, got my liver checked out, everything is fine, I told her she was over reacting, carried on drinking.
Then around July I had a few really heavy sessions, I woke up shaking, I had never done that before. I took a week off work, and basically did'nt leave the apartment, my wife thought I was working away still. I drank water and nothing else I looked inside myself and did a lot of thinking, it was then that I accepted I was an alcoholic
I wrote my wife a letter, telling her I was sorry for the past, but I now knew what I was, I didn't need AD, I was an alcoholic, something she had been telling me for 2 years, but I never accepted.
We spoke about it when I told her and she has been great with me on it, very supportive and shows genuine interest.
But, as we have grown close as I have accepted it, and worked on it, I have pushed her to be close, something that she is not ready for, and which I understand.
This is where I am in my life.
Thanks 25, you have spoken with such directness, and meaning that it feels like I know what I need to do in the future.
Wow, DC, that was a great post. When you had your great awakening to admit you are an alcoholic, was something. It's so hard to admit something like that, especially to yourself. I am proud of you for being sober for this long!!
With your W seeing you working so hard on yourself, she is intrigued by it. She seems to want all the details of your new life. If she is feeling sad about the future, then she just has to feel it. You are going forward with taking care of yourself and your kids, getting a new place to live, being involved in their day to day lives, and otherwise becoming the person you were meant to be.
It's funny, though, that in the midst of this, I still see a lot of positives in your situation with your W. It's obvious she still loves you, and cares for you. She is doing like a lot of them (spouses)do by bringing up the past hurts over and over again even though you have said your were sorry, and are working on it. My H did the same thing. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear him say the same things over and over again. It took some time before he felt that part of our lives was over, and we had a new R.
Thanks VC, your support give me great encouragement as always.
Since my last post I have not called my wife once, but she has called me about 20 times!!! haha
An example was last night, we had to attend our sons school regarding a trip he is going on.
We had arrange to meet at the school with her talking the kids, just as I was setting off she called me to ask if I could pick up our daughter from school, and meet us at our son's school, she was running late, yeah no problem.
So I arrived with daughter, wife was there already. We listened and discussed things regarding the trip etc, but our daughter was bored and restless, so my wife said if I didn't mind she would take her home so not to spoli things for our son, again no problem.
The event ended and I took son home, I took some extra hand outs that had been given to the door and gave to my wife, she was pleased and we stood for 15-20 minutes, chatting about the kids, trip, etc, all nice, all calm.
I then left and went to my AA meting, I was a little late because of the school thing, but I still went.
It finished and I went home.
I was watching TV around 10.00pm, and my phone rang, it was my wife, I just ignored it, I need some space!!! It rang again, then again, then my mobile twice!!!
I then called her back,she answered laughing saying sorry, I said I had been in the bath, again she laughed and said sorry.
It was regarding nothing again!!!!, I feel that she is calling to check up on me, why the calls so late?
But we ended up laughing on the phone, she asked about AA meeting, sounded pleased and we ended the call.
But she is maintaining contact a lot!!! Just not sure why.
I just have to maintain my distance and my politeness, something is working!!!
I have spoken to my wife almost every hour of the weekend, and I haven't called her once, unless I was returning a missed call!!!
I have spent loads of time with my kids, and it's all been great!!!
Started on Friday, got some good news on the new house, and I also signed the papers handing the family home to my wife, she seemed pleased when I told her it was signed, then she asked how I felt, I told her I was fine, it had hurt me more when we split, this was just bricks and mortar.
Friday night I had the kids, we laughed and went out, wife called loads just to chat basically, spent more time talkin to me than the kids!!
Saturday, I spent the day with my son at a sports event, daughter was with wife, but again she called me every hour asking what was happening, she was really interested. When I took son back on Saturday night, wife asked if I was ok, I said I was fine, I had a little cold, but I was great.
Sunday morning she called me early, to ask why I didn't call to speak to the kids on Saturday night, I said I had been with my son all day, and that our daughter had friends sleeping over, so she wouldn't have been interested in talking to me, then she said the SHE want to speak to me, about something trivial again!!, but she hadn't called as I might have been out. I said I was home all evening, and she should have called. She then asked if I was ok again, I said I was fine, she then said that although we "hated" each other, she laughed as she said it, that she was always there for me to talk to!!!!!!
I said thanks, I didn't hate her and I was fine, she laughed.
Then I went for the kids, took son to football, then went for the photo session with them both, it was great fun, and the pics will be amazing.
When I took them back, i had changed clothes from earlier and was looking good, if I say myself, for the photo session, wife came out to talk, and just stood looking at me, she then looked away, then was looking out of the corner of her eye, i just smiled to myself!!!
She was asking how it went, my clothes etc, all really really friendly.
I then left and went home.
A few hours later another call!!!!
She and our son had tried to "fix" his bike, got it wrong, and could I go over to fix it. So I did, again it was all friendly, we laughed and sorted it out, then I left.
This weekend has felt like we were a family again, but apart if that makes sense!!!!
The calls from wife were just little checking up calls, how you doing calls, all nice and we laughed most of the time.
Before when we got on this well, my happiness would be tinged with sadness, as I would start to feel sorry for myself, but now I just accept it for what it is.
It was a good weekend, with some good times,some laughs, and my relationship with my kids and wife was great. But I now accept that that's all it was, we are not getting back together now, and she isn't missing me. I won't call her until she calls me, and it was fun while it lasted.
One thing I have thought though, if I was OM, working away, and my "girlfriend" was having so much fun, and conversations with her "ex-husband", I don't think I would be too happy!!!!!
