This morning I got to the part on compassion and it really clicked with me. I've been viewing so much of this through my own filter. How this is effecting me, what my pain is like, how my life will change, what my friends will think of me. When she doesn't text me all day long I see it as the worse of all things, indifference. And maybe it is indifference, or maybe it's not wanting to dredge up the pain so she avoids me and that includes messages. And I don't believe it is complete indifference because her actions tell me something else. So instead of seeing someone who doesn't care, instead I see someone who is wounded and guarding.
At the same time my W is in pain too. Oh sure she tries not to show it... that would be weakness or I might interpret it as wavering, so she shows me no signs. But I can see her pain. I see that she's shut out her friends who are telling her she's crazy. I see it in her music choices. I see it in her actions.
I understand this, and I truly feel I understand her point of view. I spent the better part of 6 months working on it. I feel for her, and fully realize my role in where we ended up. However, the one thing I do not understand from her point of view is why she has quit and believes that we have no future. The reasons she gave me are either things I can do (which I have, and gone above and beyond) or things I have no control over; namely her defense that I've been mooching off her. I feel that it's what she's telling herself so that she can do this and feel justified, but is contradictory to every other good thing she's talked about regarding our relationship. It's frustrating.
Regardless, I've been in a stasis for two months now, where she has finally appreciated the 180, we have a great day to day, but she still holds onto the ambiguous "still doesn't change how I feel". The reality is, I can't change how she feels, I can only do what I've been doing. It's just getting to the point now where it feels like we are so close to reconciling but are still very far away.
