Trying not to hope is hard

[workinghardguy]

SP... have you read "How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It"? If not, I'd recommend it. I'm not promising it will help save your M (it's really for couples that haven't gotten to where most of us are at) but it may help you deal with your sitch.

This morning I got to the part on compassion and it really clicked with me. I've been viewing so much of this through my own filter. How this is effecting me, what my pain is like, how my life will change, what my friends will think of me. When she doesn't text me all day long I see it as the worse of all things, indifference. And maybe it is indifference, or maybe it's not wanting to dredge up the pain so she avoids me and that includes messages. And I don't believe it is complete indifference because her actions tell me something else. So instead of seeing someone who doesn't care, instead I see someone who is wounded and guarding.

At the same time my W is in pain too. Oh sure she tries not to show it... that would be weakness or I might interpret it as wavering, so she shows me no signs. But I can see her pain. I see that she's shut out her friends who are telling her she's crazy. I see it in her music choices. I see it in her actions.

And so this morning I resolved to try and see this through her eyes. How she ended up here and what she must be going through. I had an hour drive this morning to contemplate this... and it was pretty amazing. It unlocked a whole word of potential understanding. It reframed her friends, why she chooses them, and why they are so critical to her. It reframed why my criticism of them is so hurtful to her.

Has it solved anything? No. But somehow it's given me more peace. I can see that she is in pain, and right now the only way I can help with that pain is to back off and give her space. Live my life the way I want to, and let her live hers.

The other things that's helped me is planning for the potential. I've spent some time this past week looking at rentals in the paper, figuring out money and budgets, and visitation schedules. For me it helps to see that it is all doable, if not enjoyable at first. This doesn't mean I'm leaving or giving up, but at least I know that if I try my hardest and it doesn't work life will go on.

I think today I have been at more peace than any other day since the bomb. I know my wife is hurting and maybe today I just got that the little reach out stuff I can't seem to stop from, even once in a while, is hurting her. I love her unconditionally so hurting her hurts me. So right now the way I show her love is to let go, provide space, and be what she needs me to be. At the same time I will use this opportunity to work on me.