When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

Yeah, BA I think you just hit the nail on the head. In my subconcious I feel like I'm second choice. I was the fall back plan when the OW kicked him to the curb. I chose this for myself because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and now I've resiged myself to feeling I won't be able to measure up to her in his mind.

It's a horrible feeling and I do my best to shove it down deep but it bubbles up every now and then. The last few days have been horrible for me but probably because I don't feel well. I don't tell him when I don't feel well because, in my mind only, I have a feeling that my being sick with various ailments throughout our M is one of the reasons he left too. I battled migrains for years and finally have a pretty good handle on them now but when I get the slightest headache he reacts to it with a roll of the eyes and I see supressed anger in his eyes. I don't tell him ANYTHING about any ailment I might have anymore.

Even as I type all of this, I know it's twisted thinking but I know him too well based on a pattern of behavior he has exhibited over 20+ years of knowing him.

Sorry, bad day. It is what it is.

[oldtimer]

"I don't tell him ANYTHING about any ailment I might have anymore."

Wow. What a way to keep him from being able to be a good guy.

FWIW, I don't think you're worried about measuring up in his mind. To me, this sounds like it is all about you, your feelings about yourself, not about them. It is about your OWN feelings of inadequacy, about things YOU want to change about YOU for YOU. So, get on it.

[mishka422]

To me, this sounds like it is all about you, your feelings about yourself, not about them. It is about your OWN feelings of inadequacy, about things YOU want to change about YOU for YOU.

Ding ding ding...we have a winner. Totally right OT. I've said it before. I have ZERO sense of self-worth. Never have. I work on myself for a while and then life overtakes me and I give it up. Not good, not healthy. It's going to lead to my death sooner than later. I look at my mom's urn on the mantle every day to remind myself where I'm headed if I don't get a handle on my health soon. It's sobering but apparently not enough to make me do better.

Due to the financial situation I gave up weight watchers (which was at least keeping things in check), gave up Zumba, and have been living on pasta and ramen to get by. Not healthy in any way and it has to stop.

Just this last week I made a grocery list only using ww recipes that have relatively cheap ingredients. It still cost too much but it has to be done. I can't eat all that carb loaded crud anymore.

OT, I genuinely got tired of the eye rolling and the griping 'there's always something wrong with you.' statements. So, I keep it to myself. If every muscle in my body hurts and I can barely move without wanting to cry, I say nothing. If I'm throwing up blood, then I may have to say something!

Ironically, he has been whining for the last two weeks about pains. He has a pinched nerve in his shoulder that is causing radiating pain in his neck and arm and he pulled something in the opposite hip. He hasn't slept well in two weeks because of all the pain. I've rubbed him with ben-gay, given him ibuprofen, suggested alternating heat/cold (which he won't do for some dumb reason) but I don't treat him like his being hurt is making me upset with him. I guess that's where my nurturing personality comes into play.

No excuses. I know it's all me (in most ways) but there is only so much I can take without just shutting off in some cases. My own health is one of those places I just have to not share with him. He could care less because it annoys him.

[kml]

You know, rice and beans are as cheap as Ramen and noodles, more nutritious, and at least are gluten-free (have you ever considered whether gluten sensitivity might be part of your health issues? Worth considering)

[BeingMe]

Yeah, BA I think you just hit the nail on the head. In my subconcious I feel like I'm second choice.

Remember though, that you were his first choice to begin with. OW was his second choice and made during his time of crisis. No wonder she ditched him eventually.

I think couples should be able to share their aches and pains with each other, and get support. My H tends to also be somewhat unsupportive when I'm ill ... even cancer didn't bring out his empathy much. I think, though, that he thinks he is empathetic. But, compared to my children, who were my rock during my cancer, he was more like a little ol' pebble. Rolling his eyes when you're in pain is NOT supportive, and in fact, is quite the opposite ... making light of someone's pain, or getting irritated is very uncaring (I am using polite words here, by the way). I find that I am not as caring as I used to be, when my H is in pain, or is feeling ill (I still am extremely empathetic with my children and grandchildren). I say to H, "aw, that's a shame ... you should see a doctor." I still care, but I don't fuss. I'm not his mother, as he is not my father which he made abundantly clear.

Thankfully, as far as I know, my H never had a physical affair with OW, and he never left home, just our bedroom. So, I don't think much about OW anymore. I did at the time though. She is a weird person ... aren't they all, 'eh!

[bright_new_day]

Do you ever close your eyes, in a quiet moment, and the face of the ow/om pops into your head? Happens to me ALL the darned time and often during very inoportune times. Why is that? How twisted is that? WTH???? It makes me sick to my stomach

I don't have to imagine her, I have the pleasure of seeing her often as my X married her. And I don't get sick to my stomach, I get laughter out of seeing her terrible 1980's country singer hair and her bizarre wardrobe....and she thinks she is oh so glamorous I am sure! It used to bother me to see her, because I kept wondering why he left me for her. She was everything the man I was married to used to make fun of. But that man is long gone! I married a man with values and morals, she married a man who had none! Now I truly don't care. They deserve each other! LOL

[bright_new_day]

Hey, did you "like" the coupon page on FB. I keep getting great coupons. Do you know another friend of mine on FB is giving birth any day now and she got a $700 stroller for $19 using coupons?!?

I definitely need to stalk your FB page and like the coupon page. It certainly wouldn't hurt to save money!!!

As far as the OW and the X's go, we are definitely better off Gineen! And if I ever make it up to NJ we will raise a glass to that!!!

[mishka422]

Well, still no options on the job front. I've hit brick walls with all the websites so far but I'm still trying. The new Walgreens still isn't accepting applications (although they have a sign out front..how dumb is that?). Still plugging away though. Living teetering on the edge is becoming very exhausting though.

My full time job is in jeopardy again. Our business has fallen off again and if it doesn't pick up for one last BIG push before the end of the year we're going to have our hours cut again. This economy is killing us all.

As far as Gabe and I, we are doing ok. There isn't much to say really. There isn't any talking going on. With the situation we are in, I just don't hold out much hope for having any definition to our R. Neither one of us can see beyond tomorrow so the future is out of the question. It plays right into the exhaustion from living one day to the next not knowing what will be the next thing to be shut off. I think I would feel more comfortable talking about our R if I wasn't so worried about just keeping the roof over our heads. The stress is going to kill me.

[mishka422]

I'm working on it, thanks for the support G!

I had a crazy dream last night and it's got me pretty stirred up.

I dreamt that Gabe and I were in the mountains. From the looks of it I think it was the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. We were walking down the street of the town and he suddenly pulled me inside this little building that was a government building and told me we should get married and we could get a marriage license right here. I got panicky and excited but told him yes and the next thing I knew we were standing in a gazebo in front of a justice of the peace and I woke up.

Now it keeps replaying in my mind and I'm trying to shove it out. You all know how bad I am about stop signs and thought stopping. I STINK AT IT!

This one has me really messed up though.

[oldtimer]

OK, here are two surefire ways and one likely way for you and Gabe to both make money:

(1) Participate in online market research. I used to do a lot of this. You should NEVER pay in any way to participate in such things or learn about the opportunities. I found this list that ranks online survey businesses that pay. I can't vouch for it, but it does include at the top a few places that I used without any problems, like pinecone research: http://www.surveypolice.com/rankings. If you put the time into getting into the various programs, you can definitely make money, though it won't be a lot. I used to get $50-$100 a month doing these without putting in much effort.

(2) Go to the student union buildings at nearby universities. Scour the bulletin boards for people looking for research subjects that will pay you to be a subject. Many of these will be innocuous studies that pay $10-$20. You can also try to track down medical clinical trials for which you qualify. You can make a GOOD chunk of change doing these. I did several in grad school, none of which I felt were scary. If they take a few days and you have to stay overnight, you can make upwards of $1000.

(3) Find seasonal work as GM suggested. Here's a link to opportunities: http://www.snagajob.com/jobs?t=seasonal&s=georgia&page=2